[ Whole 30. On Day 30. ]

This is my story.

And like everyone's story - it's intertwined with other people's stories ... but I'm writing this from where I'm at.  Because it's my story.

Like most people, my journey with food and health and body image and blah blah blah ... has been an ongoing train wreck lol.  I've run a half marathon, I've done Whole30, I've done this and that ... and then "fell of the wagon" or so to speak, so many times I couldn't count them if I tried.

Then, in August of 2016, I got serious about my health and joined Campus Crossfit.  I wanted to be strong.  It's funny - because I had been terrified to even walk through the doors - and am now at a place where I NEED to be there four times a week.     I have been getting stronger and my endurance has skyrocketed ....

But then there's the ugly truth of how I continue to deal with stress in my life.

Back in December, a close family member was gripped by anxiety and depression.  It was a road that we had been down before, but the timing was particularly hard with Christmas and a big trip to New Zealand with other family members staring us right in the face.   New Zealand was AMAZING - but there was a cloud of much deserved concern for the family back at home.  

I did what I do when things get tough.   I ate.  And when the situation continued on, I continued to eat.  Bad stuff.  Packaged stuff.  No nutritional value stuff.  It wasn't like anything on tv, no ridiculous binging - and definitely no purging - but I was out of control.  Food was my comfort.  I gained 12lbs.

Then, thirty days ago (you can read my starting thoughts HERE) - I took the control back, and started Whole 30.  I've done this before (you can see that HERE) about two years ago.  It was the best I had ever felt, and I wanted that feeling back.  

It's not easy - but it's definitely not the hardest thing to do either.  It's simply reprogramming your brain.  There's no counting calories ... it's just eating whole food, nothing processed.  No dairy.  No grains.  No sugar.  You won't die from doing it lol ... and you'll see what food addictions control your life.  

My results? 

I've lost just under 12lbs in 30days.

I've lost 3.5 inches around my waist, and an inch around my legs.

I. FEEL. AMAZING.

I should say that I've ONLY had comments about my physical change, after I've told people that I'm almost done Whole30.  Not one person has spontaneously said,  "WOW Tawn.  You look fantastic. What are you doing??"  Any compliments have come after I turned down something packaged to eat, and explained why.    

But that's totally cool lol.  THEIR response is not why I did this.   I did it for ME.

So I'm almost done - and I do not crave anything.  The plan is to learn from my mistakes the last time I finished Whole 30.    Last time, I "pushed through" the pain of adding dairy and wheat back into my diet.  WHY would I do that again?? 

I'm heading to Phoenix in a week and a bit, so the plan is to keep going ... a Whole 40 kind-of-a-thing.  I will be adding a few things to my diet over time ... butter (to cook with), honey, maple syrup and goat cheese.  Basically, a Paleo diet.

What have I noticed - other than looser pants?

I lay my head down to sleep and BOOM.  I'm out.   And I don't wake up til morning, and it's ZING.  I'm up - let's GO lol.  I cannot sleep in, nor do I want to.  I have so much energy at Crossfit.  My brain fog is completely GONE.   My skin feels amazing.  Yeah.  I just FEEL great.

So.  Why would I stop?

This is NOT a diet.  Although I knew I would lose some much-needed-to-lose-weight, it actually wasn't my motivation.  Getting control over my bad habits, learning to DEAL with stress instead of eating it away, and just feeling better ... those were the goals.

Totally accomplished.

Have a great one :).

[ talk: Whole 30. Again. ]

It has been a LONG time since I've blogged.  Why?  Because life is busy, and honestly - who cares about blogging anymore?  Clearly, I don't lol ... so why am I doing this?  For myself, actually.  

See, about 6 months ago, I started doing CrossFit.  I LOVE IT.  Like, a lot.  Then, with a bunch of back-to-back trips, I got out of the groove and just recently "restarted".  I try and go 4 times a week ... and I feel like I've got that part under wraps now.

But.  I don't know if it's because I'm getting older - but the weight, oh the weight, that I seem to carry on my little frame.  I took a selfie of our kids and I this weekend and was STUNNED.  I look like I've been stung by a bee.  Or a few hundred.  Thousand.

I successfully completed Whole 30 a couple of years ago.  If you're interested in finding out about that ( you can read about it HERE - actually, it was really helpful for ME to reread it).  It was HARD.  And then it got easier.  I loved how I felt, the energy I had and the cravings that I no longer succumbed to.  

This morning, I got real and weighed myself.  And measured myself.  And went grocery shopping to start my Whole 30 month.

There is a goal.  What is it?  Well, simply to complete it.  The reward?  My annual Pink Phoenix trip will be just a few days after I complete the Whole 30.  

Because I've already done this before, I know what to expect.  Like, Day One is EXCITING lol.  Eager-beaver.  Ready-to-go.  Day Three, the sugar detox starts and cravings and my oh my  --- it's hard.  But by Day Five ... results are already happening and a newfound vigour happens.   

Then - by day 21 ... I'll be so sick of yams and avocados and almonds and eggs - but the goal will be close ... and I will survive lol.

Day 30?  The glorious DAY 30?  Weighing, measuring ... maybe eating peanut butter.  Or brown rice.  Or putting honey on ... anything lol.

So why am I posting this?  Well, think of it as my own personal Weight Watchers lol.  I figure that if SOMEone reads this,  then I'm accountable, right?  Well - I kinda feel like just by just typing these words - I already am.  

So, I started today - but how did I start?  Meal planning for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  And I had to keep in mind that my family isn't doing this - so it means I have to be VERY prepared, or I will most certainly fail at this.

MONDAY

breakfast //  black coffee

lunch // grilled onions + red peppers in ghee butter, 3 whole scrambled eggs.

dinner // baked potato with ghee butter, romaine salad w/veggies + sliced rotisserie chicken; no sugar added applesauce 

TUESDAY

breakfast // black coffee, hard boiled egg, banana

lunch // tuna + salad

dinner // rotiserree chicken (homemade), baked yam, frozen peas; sliced mango

WEDNESDAY

lunch // leftovers

dinner  // cauliflower soup with prosciutto, salad with baked brusselspouts; 

For snacks ... sliced apples with almond butter, bananas, pistachio nuts or almonds, sliced veggies or fruit ... 

* * * *

So yeah -- there you have it.    I'll check back in 30 days.  Or maybe sooner.

Wish me luck LOL

And have a great one!

[cakes: Skylanders Cake ]

This morning the kids asked if we could see all of the birthday cakes I've made over the years.  With Mattias and Katia both having birthdays this month - they're busy plotting and planning for what they'd like me to make them this time.

So, I came here to look - and see that I haven't blogged since LAST YEAR??  Probably has something to do with the fact that we all catch up with each other daily with pics and posts on FB, IG + Snapchat ... who needs to blog??

Well -- the kids noticed that some of their cakes were missing, so apparently I do LOL.

It was really fun, though, looking through the pics.  The kids giggled and made fun of how messy their hair was, or how excited they were in the "reveal" pics.  Birthday cakes were never a big thing for me when I was growing up -- and I never actually intended for them to be so important to our own kids.  But some how they are.  

Mattias is turning 12 this week - and I said, "do you still want me to make you a cake?", thinking I wouldn't want to embarrass him.  His eyes got big, "MOM.  Your cakes are my favourite part!"

*warm fuzzy feelings*

Ok - so I'm backtracking right now.  Siah's birthday was in January, but here's the Skylanders Cake I built for him.   All of the cakes I do, I promise - they stress me out.  And when I searched on Pinterest for Skylanders cakes --- I just about fell over.  Special thanks too all of those professional bakers who inspire perfection ... but holy moly.  Not possible for me!!

Here's what I came up with ... pics of the cake, along with he "reveal".

Enjoy.

So, I didn't take any pics of the actual "building" of the cake - for some strange reason.  I took parts of other cakes I saw, simplified them - and created something that I could do without too much hair-pulling-out-of-my-head.

The cookies used as posts, or wood, or whatever they're supposed to be LOL - really helped me a lot. I mean, how hard it is to cut a cookie in half ... ?? 

I made the sheep -- I thought they were pretty cute.  I had no idea Skylanders had sheep lol.  Thanks again, Pinterest, for the ideas! 

 I used one of Siah's Skylander characters ... zero chance I was making one of those.

 The morning reveal ... a special time in our house ...

 Nothing makes it more worth it, like a big ol' happy kid.

I love how Siah inspects his cake ... he pays attention to all the details.  I love that.

He inspected it from all sides LOL ...

SO yeah. that was January's cake.  And in the next 2 weeks I'm going to be finding myself creating two more.

Tias wants a hockey cake ... um.  I failed to post his Canucks cake from last year ... 

Katia wants me to REMAKE her 3 year old Hello Kitty cake - the easiest, quickest cake I ever made. If I do that ... life will be easy!!  

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[ The God of Grey // Shalom Hope. ]

I can feel it coming.  

It's a strange thing.  Somehow I must subconsciously know it's coming - or else i wouldn't feel as I do.  And when I feel it -- it's a totally sinking, dropping, nervous, anxious feeling.  Then, I look at the calendar and say ... 

"Oh right.  December 17th is almost here."

Loss has a way a rearing it's ugly head, even when you're not thinking a thing about it ... 

Every year I write about the passing of our daughter, Shalom Hope  ... in fact for this year? This would be the third draft.  It just never feels right.  The first draft I wrote was focussed on how unfair I still feel it is - having to undergo a pregnancy termination for a 21-week-gestation-baby who was desperately wanted.  Anencephaly ... there are no words in the english language to describe such a diagnosis ...  ( be warned // if you click that link, disturbing images may be seen ).   (Or -- if you don't know our story you can read that here ... )  But as I wrote my words down today, I felt the anger and frustration all coming back - and honestly - I really don't like that feeling that way all.  So I deleted it.

The second draft ... was kinda what my life's theme has been, as of late.    If you know me, I talk a lot about the God of Grey.  Perhaps this is my own way of dealing with some of my own life's circumstance.  Or maybe it's how I deal with a cruel world with my far-too-sensitive-heart.  Maybe my theologically is messed-up on that.  But I was taught that the roots of my Faith are black and white ... right or wrong.  No in-betweens.  Yet in my life, I have experienced that my God, my Father,  is a God of grey ... the things that maybe we don't know exactly what the right thing actually is.  For me, He is Just.  He is love.  He is compassion and broken hearted for how we fail to include Him.  He is grace and mercy and kindness.  After Shalom, I have found myself tending to go with extending my own grace to others, because I'm more inclined to believe now that, perhaps, His grace fills in that gap of the unknown.  Life experiences do that to you.

I know.

That gets me into heaps of trouble just by saying that.  But - don't be fooled.  I am a black and white kinda girl.  There are things that I know to be right, and things I know to be wrong.  But this life is full of things that may not be so simple.  I won't even list all the things that come to mind - there's no need to debate it *smile*.  Because at the end of it all, I am thankful for a God who is love and who loves me.

Who loves you.

It's strange.  When I sit and type about Shalom ... it's like ... it's like it's all happening all over again.  Without the overwhelming panic, of course.  Time has dulled that  ... and you know what's so strange?  Is that I remember, honestly, trying to figure out how I would survive the next five minutes of my life - the grief was so drowning ... and now?  I can actually smile when I say her name.  Sometimes I cry, but mostly - I don't.  I survived - and more than just survived - I learned and I am so grateful, now that I look back.

Does that seem strange?  That I'm grateful?

Well.  I am.

Without Shalom's story, my life would be nothing like it is now.  Without Shalom, I would never have the empathy for others that I have now.  The compassion for the broken, the marginalized.  Because of my own loss, I have found my way to being a fixture at Recovery Church.  It's a HUGE part of who I am ... not only because I see myself in every one of the faces in the crowd, but because of the solid friendships that have come from being a part of RC.  Yes, I see myself in every man + woman who comes to RC because the only difference between me and them, is that they chose substances to bandage their pain.  And tho I contemplated those very thoughts, I was saved by having a relationship with the Lord and by my village of family and friends around me.

I don't see people who use substances as poor-choice-makers, as low-lifes.  I see them with lives so broken, that using was their best given option.  I am thankful for those kind of eyes to see them with ... I think that's a gift worth being thankful for.

So yeah -- another year gone, but I will be totally honest.  I'm looking forward to Dec18 ... so these seemingly-never-ending-butterflies and restless nights will be gone.  I'm pretty sure I don't dwell on it ... but it's still unintentionally there, and time has a way of making the loss less ugly each year.  Isn't that an amazing thing?  I mean - when we go through something horrible, if we can hang on --- eventually it dulls.  Maybe not entirely, but time does have healing properties to it.  I'm grateful for that.

I guess where this is all leading to - is to remind us all that when we think the pain of life is literally going to shatter you ... it actually won't.  Not if we reach out.  Not if we accept help.  Not if we push aside our pride and be vulnerable with those we love.

I'm still smiling, after thinking that I would never smile again.  I literally believed that.  And thinking I would never be able to do anything again - without reliving our story in every painful detail.  That is so far from the truth.  You live, you learn - you grow.

Hmm.

I realize that this is a bit all-over-the-place.

Probably because that's how I'm feeling.  

[talk: I've Got Something To Say.]

It's been a while since I've blogged ... most times, it's about a recent event or pics of something important to our little family.  But today - I'm going to be vulnerable and talk, er - write, about something that I'm currently going through.

To catch up you to speed - if you don't know me all that well - here's a crash coarse on who Tawn is:

1.  I began music lessons at the age of 3 on the violin.
2.  My first solo at church was at the age of 3.
3.  I began piano lessons at the age of 4.
4.  I quit violin after finishing my grade 8, to concentrate on piano.
5.  I began worship leading at my church's youth group at age 14.
6.  I began teaching piano at age 14.
6.  I began leading worship in the main service at age 17.
7.  I finished my ARCT in piano performance at age 17 before finishing high school.
8.  I completed my ARCT Teachers and AVCM Teachers and ran a music studio for a decade.
9.  I am currently responsible for the worship at Recovery Church, and am active in all parts of worship at CLA church (retreats, main service(s), events ...)
10.  I have been offered Music Pastor positions at various churches, but have always felt called to my home church - as a volunteer.  I have never been on staff.

So.  There you have it.   My musical identity in a nutshell.  

My identity.

Then, about three years ago, I got a bout of laryngitis during our Christmas Production.  I lost my voice completely and still attempted to sing a solo.  It was so frustrating.  Since then, my voice is the first thing to be attacked when I get sick.  Generally, I have a pretty strong alto-voice, but it vanishes into choppy, non-reliable notes when this happens.  

Fast forward to four weeks ago, when I felt it coming on again.  I got the sniffles, and felt my throat tightening up.  I was leading on the Sunday morning for both services, and knew that I was going to be pushing it.  It felt hot, it felt tight - but I gave it my all  - like it was the last time ever.  Which in hindsight, is possible.

These past four weeks,  I've been protecting my voice.  Not talking as much, not raising my voice and absolutely no singing.  I finally got in to see my doctor this past Monday and he immediately put me on "vocal rest" until I get in to see the ENT (ears/nose/throat) Specialist.

When will I get in to see the ENT?  I have no clue but until then, it's silence for me.  That's frustrating because my voice may be totally fine;  these last 4 weeks may have rested it enough.  But maybe not.  It's better to be safe than sorry. 

I am capable of talking - I've just been instructed to not to.  Singing?  I don't know if I can.  I haven't tried.  It's completely off the table for now.

It does FEEL a lot better, for sure - whatever that means.

In this season, life is tricker.  Parenting is more work -- trying to get a child's attention over the volume, without a voice?  Hard.   I do a lot of whistling LOL and I have a cool app on my phone that gets their attention.

It's lonely.  The phone rings - I can't answer it.  I can't meet people for coffee, I can't read bedtime stories, I can't have a conversation at the dinner table, I can't sing at the piano (although I've been playing a lot more).  Drive thrus are a no-go for after school snacks on the way to piano lessons.  Things you don't even think about, feel a lot different.  I noticed that people tend to get frustrated when they can't hear me as I mouth words - or - they try and make light of it.  I will try and mouth words, and they tease me.  It's totally all done in fun - but I sometimes just want to cry out of my own frustration.   I'm ok with this journey,  but I don't really  find it super "funny" *wink*, you know?

If you tried to not talk for an entire day -- you'd realize that it's not easy.  And you'd probably just give up.  But I have the doctor's words in my mind - where he said, "if there is something wrong - you MUST let it heal or you may never sing again."

SIGH.

But in the silence, there have been SUCH bright moments too.  It's amazing how much you observe when you're listening or watching others talk.  Most times, people aren't actually listening to each other - they're thinking about how THEY want to reply.  For me - not having the ability to answer has reminded me to really listen.  And more importantly, I now realize how I HAVEN'T been listening for so long as I watch others do the same.

My house is much quieter.  No yelling up and down the stairs ... and I move my butt if I need to communicate with someone instead or shrieking it across the room.  The kids are catching on too -- the volume has gone down a lot.  That's a good thing LOL.

God's timing is always perfect.  Now - I don't know if this was His plan to start with, or if I just simply overused my voice - yadayadayada.  Although I'm a very spiritual person, I tend to not "over spiritualize" things.  BUT.  I do know that the timing of this is very ... interesting.

At the end of the month, I am heading overseas with a team from our Recovery Church.  I can't talk, I can't sing.  I will have to be creative ... and find my purpose somewhere else.  That kinda excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.

In addition to that,  I am an active participant of our Worship Dept Core Team, and am super excited about changes there.   We've been meeting these past couple of months, with so much thought and prayer going into new vision.  SO exciting.  Tonight we are having our first Creative Night and I have never felt more valuable and more of a team player as I do right now - even without a voice.   My "person" in valued, not my ability.  If I never sing again ... I can train.  I can raise-up.  I can support.  I can teach.  I can encourage.  I can listen.  I can love.  I am valuable without being on stage.

Duh  :).  

I already knew that.  

See we all know that our identity cannot be in WHAT we do, because we realize that those things can be changed in a moment.  But having an opportunity to be reminded that my value is in WHO I am, and even more importantly - who I am because of what Christ did for me -  has been timely.

Those words make us sound smart and humble when we say them - but it's much harder to live them.  Trust me.  Having refreshers on these life-lessons, is so important.

In the first couple of weeks - I shed a lot of tears.  I panicked about being "pink slipped" from the team, about being replaced, about not being valuable.  I required affirmation - encouragement.  Now -  I am living my value, I am listening more, I am holding on to the silence more.  I am confident in this journey.  

I don't know what the future holds for me,  but I can honestly say that I'm not worried.  I will keep praying and believing for complete healing and will keep asking for increased opportunities.  But I know my role, I know where God has called me to be -- and I will wait patiently as best as I can.

Besides,  I'm actually getting used to being quiet ... 

Ask my brother.  That - in itself - is a miracle.

Have a great one! xx