[talk: I've Got Something To Say.]

It's been a while since I've blogged ... most times, it's about a recent event or pics of something important to our little family.  But today - I'm going to be vulnerable and talk, er - write, about something that I'm currently going through.

To catch up you to speed - if you don't know me all that well - here's a crash coarse on who Tawn is:

1.  I began music lessons at the age of 3 on the violin.
2.  My first solo at church was at the age of 3.
3.  I began piano lessons at the age of 4.
4.  I quit violin after finishing my grade 8, to concentrate on piano.
5.  I began worship leading at my church's youth group at age 14.
6.  I began teaching piano at age 14.
6.  I began leading worship in the main service at age 17.
7.  I finished my ARCT in piano performance at age 17 before finishing high school.
8.  I completed my ARCT Teachers and AVCM Teachers and ran a music studio for a decade.
9.  I am currently responsible for the worship at Recovery Church, and am active in all parts of worship at CLA church (retreats, main service(s), events ...)
10.  I have been offered Music Pastor positions at various churches, but have always felt called to my home church - as a volunteer.  I have never been on staff.

So.  There you have it.   My musical identity in a nutshell.  

My identity.

Then, about three years ago, I got a bout of laryngitis during our Christmas Production.  I lost my voice completely and still attempted to sing a solo.  It was so frustrating.  Since then, my voice is the first thing to be attacked when I get sick.  Generally, I have a pretty strong alto-voice, but it vanishes into choppy, non-reliable notes when this happens.  

Fast forward to four weeks ago, when I felt it coming on again.  I got the sniffles, and felt my throat tightening up.  I was leading on the Sunday morning for both services, and knew that I was going to be pushing it.  It felt hot, it felt tight - but I gave it my all  - like it was the last time ever.  Which in hindsight, is possible.

These past four weeks,  I've been protecting my voice.  Not talking as much, not raising my voice and absolutely no singing.  I finally got in to see my doctor this past Monday and he immediately put me on "vocal rest" until I get in to see the ENT (ears/nose/throat) Specialist.

When will I get in to see the ENT?  I have no clue but until then, it's silence for me.  That's frustrating because my voice may be totally fine;  these last 4 weeks may have rested it enough.  But maybe not.  It's better to be safe than sorry. 

I am capable of talking - I've just been instructed to not to.  Singing?  I don't know if I can.  I haven't tried.  It's completely off the table for now.

It does FEEL a lot better, for sure - whatever that means.

In this season, life is tricker.  Parenting is more work -- trying to get a child's attention over the volume, without a voice?  Hard.   I do a lot of whistling LOL and I have a cool app on my phone that gets their attention.

It's lonely.  The phone rings - I can't answer it.  I can't meet people for coffee, I can't read bedtime stories, I can't have a conversation at the dinner table, I can't sing at the piano (although I've been playing a lot more).  Drive thrus are a no-go for after school snacks on the way to piano lessons.  Things you don't even think about, feel a lot different.  I noticed that people tend to get frustrated when they can't hear me as I mouth words - or - they try and make light of it.  I will try and mouth words, and they tease me.  It's totally all done in fun - but I sometimes just want to cry out of my own frustration.   I'm ok with this journey,  but I don't really  find it super "funny" *wink*, you know?

If you tried to not talk for an entire day -- you'd realize that it's not easy.  And you'd probably just give up.  But I have the doctor's words in my mind - where he said, "if there is something wrong - you MUST let it heal or you may never sing again."

SIGH.

But in the silence, there have been SUCH bright moments too.  It's amazing how much you observe when you're listening or watching others talk.  Most times, people aren't actually listening to each other - they're thinking about how THEY want to reply.  For me - not having the ability to answer has reminded me to really listen.  And more importantly, I now realize how I HAVEN'T been listening for so long as I watch others do the same.

My house is much quieter.  No yelling up and down the stairs ... and I move my butt if I need to communicate with someone instead or shrieking it across the room.  The kids are catching on too -- the volume has gone down a lot.  That's a good thing LOL.

God's timing is always perfect.  Now - I don't know if this was His plan to start with, or if I just simply overused my voice - yadayadayada.  Although I'm a very spiritual person, I tend to not "over spiritualize" things.  BUT.  I do know that the timing of this is very ... interesting.

At the end of the month, I am heading overseas with a team from our Recovery Church.  I can't talk, I can't sing.  I will have to be creative ... and find my purpose somewhere else.  That kinda excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.

In addition to that,  I am an active participant of our Worship Dept Core Team, and am super excited about changes there.   We've been meeting these past couple of months, with so much thought and prayer going into new vision.  SO exciting.  Tonight we are having our first Creative Night and I have never felt more valuable and more of a team player as I do right now - even without a voice.   My "person" in valued, not my ability.  If I never sing again ... I can train.  I can raise-up.  I can support.  I can teach.  I can encourage.  I can listen.  I can love.  I am valuable without being on stage.

Duh  :).  

I already knew that.  

See we all know that our identity cannot be in WHAT we do, because we realize that those things can be changed in a moment.  But having an opportunity to be reminded that my value is in WHO I am, and even more importantly - who I am because of what Christ did for me -  has been timely.

Those words make us sound smart and humble when we say them - but it's much harder to live them.  Trust me.  Having refreshers on these life-lessons, is so important.

In the first couple of weeks - I shed a lot of tears.  I panicked about being "pink slipped" from the team, about being replaced, about not being valuable.  I required affirmation - encouragement.  Now -  I am living my value, I am listening more, I am holding on to the silence more.  I am confident in this journey.  

I don't know what the future holds for me,  but I can honestly say that I'm not worried.  I will keep praying and believing for complete healing and will keep asking for increased opportunities.  But I know my role, I know where God has called me to be -- and I will wait patiently as best as I can.

Besides,  I'm actually getting used to being quiet ... 

Ask my brother.  That - in itself - is a miracle.

Have a great one! xx

[talk : My Take on Proverbs 31.]

Hey!

It's been a while ... I know.  Trust me.  The ache I've had to put thoughts into written words has been strong.  But the need to complete some other projects on my "to do" list has been stronger.  Namely, my 2014 DigiScrap album.  

And I finished it, uploaded it, and ordered it - YAY!  

I'll post those pages on another day ...

Like most times when I come to sit and type here, there are many things on my mind.  Trying to pick which topic to stretch myself on is always a luck-of-the-draw.  But after having 20+ people in our home last night for the Canucks Playoff ( #canucksalltheway ) -- it sparked some fantastic conversation about hosting.

And the topic of hosting always leads me back to Proverbs 31.  You know - the passage in the Bible that basically outlines Wonderwoman, the woman every teenage boy can't wait to marry ... so she'll do everything for him?  Yeah, that one.

She used to intimate me.  She often motivates me.  And sometimes I just want to punch her lights out.  But in my studies of her, and listening to teaching on this passage - the thing that I would want every woman to know about the Prov31 women is ....

*drumroll*

She didn't do it alone.

*gasp*

No - it's true.  She didn't buy a field on her own, stay up all night creating clothes of scarlet on her own ... the Bible says her husband was respected at the city gates, and that would lead scholars to believe that he was noble ... and wealthy.  

She had help.  Servants.  People she delegated to.  People who HELPED her.

This isn't going to be a very long post - but I just felt like I wanted to say, to all of you women drowning in the ideal of what you are supposed to accomplish every day ... breath in and out.  Don't be afraid to get your children to DO something - to help out.  If you're in a situation where your time is non-existent and you have someone come in and help clean your home - it's ok.  If you have your kids in daycare, or nannied, or staying at their grandparents throughout the week because of work and financial obligations ... relax.  If you did the laundry and spent time with your kids at the park and ordered in for dinner?  You're problem solving - and prioritizing to what you feel is best for your family.

You're delegating.  You're doing your best.  

As you let your mind wrap around that - I should add that what I am MOST impacted by the Prov31 woman is this :: she does not waste time.  To me, that doesn't mean that she didn't rest, that she didn't take time for herself.  No.  In fact, she was probably very good about that - because she would've been rendered useless if she hadn't.  

But she used her time wisely, more than anything.

So today, my challenge to myself is to not feel the need to do everything on my own, to delegate appropriately, and to show something for my day.  Today?  It was vacuum the house, vacuum the kitchen drawers, wipe down the kitchen cabinets, clean the oven (who are we kidding, I pushed a button), do my hubby's + my laundry, and hem the kitchen + living room curtains.

It's 10:45am and I'm already almost done the list -- except for the curtains.

Which ... I should probably delegate someone to do.

I suck at sewing.

Have a great one!! xx

** special thanks to K+L for the stunning flowers ... 

[ talk: NYE 2015 ]

If you're a FB friend, I have posted a couple of albums of our Christmas celebrations there.  The holidays are FULL of family time -- with so many birthdays mixed in with the regular Christmas traditions our family shares.  So no blogposts on them ... 

But the other holiday tradition we have in our home, is hosting a NYE Party.  We have done it for about a decade now ... with a group a close friends, a pot-luck fondue meal and a whole lot of laughing.  This year was a little different, in that it was also my hubby's 40th bday.

Yes, his bday is on NYE - another big reason we celebrate.  But our NYE gathering is never really a 'bday party' -- although this year, I did manage to sneak in a couple of bday-ish things.  

Once the kids were fed and safely playing, the gang of 20 adults took a seat.  And as usual, KW started off our dinner by belting out "Happy birthday" ... every.  year.

A lot of our "usual" group of NYE-ers were away or had other plans.  This meant we invited a lot of newbies this year and it worked out just perfectly.  There were even people who had never even FONDUED before ... that's super fun to watch - people have a blast trying something that you already love to do.

The meal started with the always-necessary "hands-raised-prayer" ... gah.  Why my B+W pics upload onto blogger in sepia tone, I'll never know.  Not a fan of sepia ... but I sure love this pic LOL.

Kudos to my hubby for creating a seasonal addition onto our home deck ... a tent - equipped with heaters, Christmas lights and a borrowed-sound-system.  It's the ONLY way we could ever seat this many people ... 

One of the things that Lu had done at the party he had for me this year (Part One HERE ; Part Two HERE), was ask three friends to say a few nice words.  For me, it was the highlight of the night, for sure.  Having people you love say nice things?  Who wouldn't want that?

So I did the same ... and the guys spoke such love and truth over Lu.

Then, some bday cake.  I made Lu's favourite Coconut Cake with Coconut Cream-Cheese Frosting.  My love language ... baking.  HA!

Then, inside to clean up. 

Then ... at around 11pm some guests needed to leave and get their kids in bed, while the rest of us headed inside and began the "Name Game".  Special thanks to Ian + Danielle for heading that up ...  

With just a few minutes to spare before the countdown, the kids came upstairs and joined us all in ringing in 2015.

And then?  Some stayed, some called it a night ... 

It was a great way to bring in the New Year - and I hope that whatever you did, whomever you were with, it brought you a whole lotta joy and smiles!!  And here's to a 2015 worth remembering *grin*!

Have a great one! xx

[talk: Lying Like A Grown-Up.]

I have to write this.  Like - the angst in the pit of my stomach won't go away until I do.  See, I feel like I need to clarify a recent FB status I made.

See ... 

Today was a day full of ickiness for me.  Right from the get-go.  I should've known ... I should've just stayed home.  But, I didn't.  I headed south to get some much-needed groceries.  I did my usual rounds ... Trader Joes, Costco, the dairy ... 

The Mailbox.  That's where I pick up packages that would charge me too much to ship to Canada.  I don't do it often, but I have definite used it.  It's convenient and I feel super savvy when I pick up my treasures there.

A few weeks ago, I was on a RHP packaging rampage ... meeting with new clients with my old branding seemed wrong.  I ordered a lot of different products online - new business cards, flash drive cases, stickers etc - from both Canada and the US.  If you asked me which products came from where, I couldn't tell you.  Some from here, some from there.

After my route today, I stopped in at The Mailbox to pick up my stuff.  I was a little uneasy to see that there were three packages.  "Eek,"  I thought.  "I hope I don't get asked about that at the border."  I quickly opened one of the three up, curious ... and then checked my watch and decided to open the rest at home.  I was running late.

I put them in the back, along with my groceries, and headed north.  

There was no one in line, and I drove right up.  I was asked the total of goods - and that's when my face must've screamed I was hiding something.   "Did he ask about groceries? Or was he asking about more than that?"  I couldn't think.

I mean, they only ask for groceries - no?

See - if there's one thing about me, if you know me well, I'm a MISERABLE, TERRIBLE liar.  What a great thing for my parents as I was growing up ... I always, always got caught whenever I tried.  It was always such a miserable experience - with harsh punishments - so ... it worked.  I'm completely unable to be dishonest.

Well.  I could try - but you'll know.  And I'll feel horrible.

I guestamated - and told the officer my GROCERY total.  He then started firing questions - what street did I live on, what did I do for a living, did I have this, that or the other.  I started to sweat - I must've looked like I was bringing 100kg of narcotics back.

See ... at that point - only a few seconds into the conversation - I now had the opportunity to say, "Oh - wait - there were some packages too ...".  But I was so frazzled ... and I truthfully felt like if I brought it up, that it would just make them suspicious of me. I evaluated the situation in the fraction of a second.  

And man.  Did I pay for it.

He wrote some stuff down in silence, while my heart beat a million miles a second.  He told me to park, gather up my receipts and see the lady inside.  Oh, and they were going to check my truck.

I got inside and I approached the desk.  Without being questioned, I immediately fumbled some useless reason for why I never mentioned the packages.  In mind I was thinking, "I had bought them weeks ago; I hadn't known the value;  he didn't actually ASK about them ...".  

Aren't I a grown up?  Shouldn't I know better?  I felt like I was four all over again ... 

Most kids are useless at lying.  It's obvious - they create some insane story ... that quickly falls apart.  Adults are much better at it - and have ample reasons to validate WHY they tell half-truths.  To not hurt someone, to get themselves out of a little trouble.  Or worse.

Once inside, she knew by the pale face and bulging vein in my neck - that I was stressed.  Oh, I tried to be calm ... I sincerley hadn't meant to be in this predicament - I mean, he very well could've just told me to go on through and then I would've thought, "no problem."  I hadn't really done anything wrong, right?  

Wrong.

The guard took my keys and searched ... for a half hour or so.   It felt like eternity.  I was calculating costs, trying to figure out how I would be punished, KICKING myself for not correcting myself from the start ... for leaving info out that I quickly realized was important.

When she returned, she had me follow her into a separate room.  I actually almost threw up ... and she was stern.  Like, scary-stern.  I've never had a run-in with a cop before, or a principal or whatever.  I've always had a healthy respect for authority.  I'm feisty but I've never been a trouble-maker.  I just cowered and stayed silent.

She told me about the $2000 fine that is implemented for "commercial use" products - the paper products - being undeclared.  

"What?" I thought.  "My little business is hardly commercial - I hadn't even thought about that!  Oh Lord, oh Lord ..."

She asked me their total, as there were no receipts ... and I honestly, sincerley had no clue.  I wasn't even sure WHAT was in the boxes - as I had only opened one.  I said that if she would allow me to open them, I could tell her.  And that's when she really got rough.

"You don't even understand the magnitude of what you've done here," she said.  "You NEVER bring over packages that are unopened ... what if they had given you the wrong one.  What if there were drugs or something else in there?"

I stood, literally, with my eyes bulging out of my head.  Drugs?

"You would be arrested on the spot.  Done.  And it's worse heading into the US.  You can get up to 25 years in jail."

Jail?  Is she talking to me?  This is insane.  I didn't HAVE drugs.  Paper cd cases, lady, 100 paper cd cases.

"Do you have a commercial number," (or something like that) she asked.

I didn't even know what that was.

At that point - she put her head down, and she softened.  And I was so, so grateful.

See ... what had started out as a "maybe I'll just leave that part out" had grown SO massive in the process of an hour - that I was completely overwhelmed.  I was lost - and I had NO idea of the ramifications that my "leaving info out" had.

It was like the Rumour Weed from Vegetales.  Growing before my eyes.

She told me that she had the authority to fine me the $2000 and confiscate my truck.  I felt the floor give under me.  

"But," she said.

Grace.  She showed me grace.  I hadn't told all the details - I deserved a punishment, because rules are rules.  But instead, she took the time to let me know that she saw my character.  That I honestly hadn't realized the magnitude of it all.  She walked me over to the pamphlets and went through the "dos and don'ts" of border crossing.  She answered every one of my questions, she showed kindness ... and I was so grateful.  

Honestly - it reminded me of very good parenting - as silly as that sounds.  Because, I believe, she saw that the ordeal was punishment enough (and paying the GST and PST on a few small items).  And then she chose to use the opportunity to TEACH me.  Often, we do this as parents.  

I wasn't mad at her - and I think that's why I've written this.  How could I be?  How can we be mad at others for calling us out on our wrong-doings?  So many comments on my FB were, "oh poor YOU.  What an ORDEAL."  And although I am completely and utterly touched by those who were showing me kinds,  I felt that wasn't a fair representation of the story.  She wasn't in the wrong - neither was the dude that pulled me over.  They had rules, I broke them ... and they taught me a VALUABLE lesson.  By not writing this, I feel like I would be letting people interpret it differently than what happened - and THAT would be another half truth.  So I'm nipping that in the bud LOL. 

I will NEVER go through that again.

This is not to say that there have been injustices at the border, or in real life - for that matter.  It happens all the time.  Once I had to throw away 6 eggs from my carton of 18 to make an even dozen.  Those are other stories, and not what happened to me today.

In these few hours since, I have gone over the experience a thousand times.  I have tried to evaluate my heart in it - when did the "lie" start?  Had I planned on it - did it grow earlier than when I had pulled up?  I'm thinking that it may have ... that I may have just thought "fingers crossed" - and then it all backfired.

How many times do we lie by omission?  What does that say about our heart, about our character?  When someone says, "are you ok."  And we're not ... but, being honest is too hard.  Or maybe too much of a bother to lay out there.  Or when someone asks us something directly, "have you done this," and we're too ashamed to admit it.  Or maybe we get away with something - over and over.  "Be sure your sins will find you out," has been going through my head.  Even though some would think that this whole thing has been blown-out-of-porportion,  I think that may just be another way that we push it down - that we let our behaviour get away on us ... that we excuse ourselves.

What did I learn - other than the obvious?  Well - practically speaking - next time I will have my receipts in order.  I will circle the items that are GST + PST applicable (I now have that sheet in the truck).  I will tally up the receipts for an accurate amount.  

Morally speaking - I will ensure that I will not leave out details.

I will not forget her grace.  I'm even tempted to send her a thank you card - with a link to this.  If only I knew who she was.  

As a side note, you may say, "oh - I bring such-and-such back and they always let me though."  I took the time to  ask her about specific things ... you can ONLY bring food items - excluding candy / pop / chips.  No toilet paper or household cleaning items.  No random items from Costco.  It's strictly food - and even then, there are rules.  How many, how much.  If you want to break the rules and get away with it, I will not judge you.  In my opinion, now, the laws are there - and breaking the law is breaking the law.  Even if we think it's stupid.

So, I now have the list in my truck.  I will always check.

And ... I will never be a liar-by-ommission again.

[talk: Year End Piano Recital.]

I taught piano for 15 years.  I ran a studio with over 40 students ... and the year-end recital was a BIG undertaking.  Renting a hall, organizing food, arranging programs and awards ... It was nerve-wracking for most of my students, a goal for the end of the year.  I ran a tight ship, with strict expectations.

We have chosen to have our boys educated by our family friend, who ran an equally large studio a few years back.  She is exceptionally qualified, but as has since downsized from the years of 40+ students.  I'm grateful that she's taken my boys in, when she probably could downsize even more.

Her recital is held where the boys have their weekly lessons - completely non intimidating.  Very casual, but still with an understanding of excellence.

Both Josiah and Mattias were prepared to play two pieces, and both sets of grandparents were there to cheer them on.

And so was Auntie Bonnie *smile*.

Mattias and his best buddy, Eston.  These two shall never sit together before a performance again LOL.  Boy, they get each other hyper LOL ... 

Both boys performed well ... 

And Katia remembered to be quiet.  most of the time.

Karen then spoke over each student in her studio - she gave affirming words over their hard work and accomplishments.

Then, two awards were handed out.  The first - "Most Improved", to which Josiah was the recipient. He was BURSTING ... in fact, he slept with the trophy last night.

The second award was "Student of the Year", to which Mattias was awarded the honour.  He completed a grade2 exam in January and will be completing his grade3 exam this week.  Two grades in one year is a BIG accomplishment - and he has sights on doing the same next year with grade4 and 5.  We'll see how that goes *grin*.

And even though I have three music degrees, with two specializing on teaching, my secret weapon is my mom.  She's an RCM examiner and loves spending time with each boy on their music studies.  They listen to her, and I am so grateful that she helps me with this.  It means less arguing with my boys for me, and more quality time for her with her grandchildren.  It's a BIG win-win for us both!

And Katia?  She was just excited for the treats.

I wanted a photo with the grandparents and grandkids ... so glad I they let me get this.  I LOVE these images.

SO ... Tias' exam is on Friday - then one more lesson to chose next year's repertoire then - SUMMER!  Phewf ... another year done!

Have a great one!