[talk: I've Got Something To Say.]

It's been a while since I've blogged ... most times, it's about a recent event or pics of something important to our little family.  But today - I'm going to be vulnerable and talk, er - write, about something that I'm currently going through.

To catch up you to speed - if you don't know me all that well - here's a crash coarse on who Tawn is:

1.  I began music lessons at the age of 3 on the violin.
2.  My first solo at church was at the age of 3.
3.  I began piano lessons at the age of 4.
4.  I quit violin after finishing my grade 8, to concentrate on piano.
5.  I began worship leading at my church's youth group at age 14.
6.  I began teaching piano at age 14.
6.  I began leading worship in the main service at age 17.
7.  I finished my ARCT in piano performance at age 17 before finishing high school.
8.  I completed my ARCT Teachers and AVCM Teachers and ran a music studio for a decade.
9.  I am currently responsible for the worship at Recovery Church, and am active in all parts of worship at CLA church (retreats, main service(s), events ...)
10.  I have been offered Music Pastor positions at various churches, but have always felt called to my home church - as a volunteer.  I have never been on staff.

So.  There you have it.   My musical identity in a nutshell.  

My identity.

Then, about three years ago, I got a bout of laryngitis during our Christmas Production.  I lost my voice completely and still attempted to sing a solo.  It was so frustrating.  Since then, my voice is the first thing to be attacked when I get sick.  Generally, I have a pretty strong alto-voice, but it vanishes into choppy, non-reliable notes when this happens.  

Fast forward to four weeks ago, when I felt it coming on again.  I got the sniffles, and felt my throat tightening up.  I was leading on the Sunday morning for both services, and knew that I was going to be pushing it.  It felt hot, it felt tight - but I gave it my all  - like it was the last time ever.  Which in hindsight, is possible.

These past four weeks,  I've been protecting my voice.  Not talking as much, not raising my voice and absolutely no singing.  I finally got in to see my doctor this past Monday and he immediately put me on "vocal rest" until I get in to see the ENT (ears/nose/throat) Specialist.

When will I get in to see the ENT?  I have no clue but until then, it's silence for me.  That's frustrating because my voice may be totally fine;  these last 4 weeks may have rested it enough.  But maybe not.  It's better to be safe than sorry. 

I am capable of talking - I've just been instructed to not to.  Singing?  I don't know if I can.  I haven't tried.  It's completely off the table for now.

It does FEEL a lot better, for sure - whatever that means.

In this season, life is tricker.  Parenting is more work -- trying to get a child's attention over the volume, without a voice?  Hard.   I do a lot of whistling LOL and I have a cool app on my phone that gets their attention.

It's lonely.  The phone rings - I can't answer it.  I can't meet people for coffee, I can't read bedtime stories, I can't have a conversation at the dinner table, I can't sing at the piano (although I've been playing a lot more).  Drive thrus are a no-go for after school snacks on the way to piano lessons.  Things you don't even think about, feel a lot different.  I noticed that people tend to get frustrated when they can't hear me as I mouth words - or - they try and make light of it.  I will try and mouth words, and they tease me.  It's totally all done in fun - but I sometimes just want to cry out of my own frustration.   I'm ok with this journey,  but I don't really  find it super "funny" *wink*, you know?

If you tried to not talk for an entire day -- you'd realize that it's not easy.  And you'd probably just give up.  But I have the doctor's words in my mind - where he said, "if there is something wrong - you MUST let it heal or you may never sing again."

SIGH.

But in the silence, there have been SUCH bright moments too.  It's amazing how much you observe when you're listening or watching others talk.  Most times, people aren't actually listening to each other - they're thinking about how THEY want to reply.  For me - not having the ability to answer has reminded me to really listen.  And more importantly, I now realize how I HAVEN'T been listening for so long as I watch others do the same.

My house is much quieter.  No yelling up and down the stairs ... and I move my butt if I need to communicate with someone instead or shrieking it across the room.  The kids are catching on too -- the volume has gone down a lot.  That's a good thing LOL.

God's timing is always perfect.  Now - I don't know if this was His plan to start with, or if I just simply overused my voice - yadayadayada.  Although I'm a very spiritual person, I tend to not "over spiritualize" things.  BUT.  I do know that the timing of this is very ... interesting.

At the end of the month, I am heading overseas with a team from our Recovery Church.  I can't talk, I can't sing.  I will have to be creative ... and find my purpose somewhere else.  That kinda excites me and terrifies me all at the same time.

In addition to that,  I am an active participant of our Worship Dept Core Team, and am super excited about changes there.   We've been meeting these past couple of months, with so much thought and prayer going into new vision.  SO exciting.  Tonight we are having our first Creative Night and I have never felt more valuable and more of a team player as I do right now - even without a voice.   My "person" in valued, not my ability.  If I never sing again ... I can train.  I can raise-up.  I can support.  I can teach.  I can encourage.  I can listen.  I can love.  I am valuable without being on stage.

Duh  :).  

I already knew that.  

See we all know that our identity cannot be in WHAT we do, because we realize that those things can be changed in a moment.  But having an opportunity to be reminded that my value is in WHO I am, and even more importantly - who I am because of what Christ did for me -  has been timely.

Those words make us sound smart and humble when we say them - but it's much harder to live them.  Trust me.  Having refreshers on these life-lessons, is so important.

In the first couple of weeks - I shed a lot of tears.  I panicked about being "pink slipped" from the team, about being replaced, about not being valuable.  I required affirmation - encouragement.  Now -  I am living my value, I am listening more, I am holding on to the silence more.  I am confident in this journey.  

I don't know what the future holds for me,  but I can honestly say that I'm not worried.  I will keep praying and believing for complete healing and will keep asking for increased opportunities.  But I know my role, I know where God has called me to be -- and I will wait patiently as best as I can.

Besides,  I'm actually getting used to being quiet ... 

Ask my brother.  That - in itself - is a miracle.

Have a great one! xx

[talk: Annointed Excellence.]

I am so excited to be apart of the worship team this Mother's Day morning.  Really.  Like SUPER excited.  That may see strange for those of you who know me ... and know that I've been leading worship at my home church longer than some of my team members have been alive.

Ouch.

Ok ... not quite ... but you get the idea *grin*.

God keeps renewing my passion and zeal for bringing others into His presence.  I live for worship - it's in my DNA ... it makes me complete.  I was - we all were - created to worship Him.  There is no other place, no other thing, that could replace the joy from doing just that.

I recently had an experience where a past friend came to a Sunday morning service, someone who had never been before.  I happened to be leading that morning, and they were lovely and complimentary when they spoke with me later on.  But fast forward a bit - through a different conversation - it was said that they wouldn't return because, "if they wanted to see a rock show - they would rather pay for it."

Ouch again.

My BIGGEST fear in worship services, is trying to balance excellence and anointing.  Everyone who is up on stage, wants to do their best.  We meet the Thursday evening before the service, we rehearse and talk and support each other.  We arrive and set up by 8am on a Sunday morning, often staying until 12:30pm for the end of the second service.  They are dedicated and want to to their best.  And they NEED to ... we require it of them.  Mistakes can be distracting and disastrous.  BUT.  As soon as it's perceived that it's a performance - then something must change.

But let me say this as well:  I cannot change the hearts of others.  Only God can, when they LET him.  No worship service will please everyone ... there are always the critics and I know that.

But - for those of us who are leading together, I think it all comes back to our hearts.  Repenting of control, of ego, of self-awareness.  I find myself already in a state of constant, "Lord - take me OUT of this equation.  Put Yourself in it."   It's a freeing place to be - where my lack of ability is made up with His incredible love and mercy.  

This Sunday, I'm doing a "new" song.  It's not really new - but I've been hesitant to do it because on the album ... well, it's spectacular.  Musically, vocally, technically - spectacular.  But our worship isn't a show - it's different than an album.  But as I've waited for the right time to do this song, I go over the words again and again ... and I know that this is the time to do it ::

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

Let me walk upon the waters,

Wherever You may call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander,

That my faith would be made stronger,

In the presence of my Saviour."

May we all check our hearts as we enter corporate worship this Sunday, wherever you may be - wherever you worship.  That your participation isn't based on anything but Your desire to engage with the Creator.  That spectatorship, that emotionalism, that anything OTHER than pure worship would be swept away from our hearts.  I pray that He will meet you - that your faith would be made stronger in the presence of your Saviour.

Have a great one!

[talk: Worship - Repent, Wait, Respond.]

Last week, I wrote a post called "Change is Change".    It's amazing how a week confirms that, and now I find myself in a place - on a cozy Friday night - feeling compelled to pen my thoughts about church, about worship .. 

Last Sunday was PB's final Sunday ... and the service was really well done.  The music was a tribute to the past, and a push for the future ... PB spoke with a "father's heart", with encouragement to his congregation of 25+ years.  He is going to be a brilliant Evangelist, because he already is.  It's a perfect fit for him, and he will certainly be missed.  Very much.  

But here's the thing ... it was never PB's church.  The amazing things that have happened in the 25+ years, have not been because of him - but because of the Lord.

And all glory is GOD's; PB made sure to emphasis that point.  

Those words are what I walked away with, last Sunday.  And they are a comfort to me this week - as more changes will certainly be coming our way.  How true it is - that we are not to follow man, we are to follow the Lord.  Following a man will always lead to disappointment, because ... he's just a man.  And a church is not a Pastor, or a worship leader, or a this or a that ... it's the body, the community, the congregation.  Leadership will change, directions will change, style and focus may even change ... but the church - it's us.  Oh, I get it - we choose which church we attend based on styles of preaching, or music, or children's programs or its community involvement.  FOR SURE.  But the "church" ... it's not programs or leadership - it's still US.  

I say that with butterflies as I have been preparing to help lead worship for this Sunday morning's service.  Oh, how my heart yearns for God to direct and show us, the "church".  To lead us.  Transition time is difficult - and our body hasn't really ever had to go through this before.  It could be a long time before leadership is chosen and direction is presented, but I remember the words of a visiting pastor a couple of months back who said (and I'm paraphrasing here), "what are you doing while you wait?  I wish in my times of waiting - I had WORSHIPPED."   Oh, how perfect those words were for our congregation, as worship has been such a pivotal part of who our church body is.  And as I've been preparing for Sunday, my heart is excited for worship.  But here's the thing - I've been reminded that "moves" of the Holy Spirit come when three things happen:

1.  We repent and be humble.

It's first and foremost, "create in me a clean heart."  And can I be real here?  How often do we do that?  Get ourselves ready to actually BE in the presence of God?  Think about that.  In the presence of GOD.  How SERIOUS do we take that?  Is a worship service simply enjoying (or not enjoying) the music chosen, or are we prepared to encounter the living God who promises that He is there when two-or-more-are-gathered?  I know Sunday mornings are busy, I'm a mom of three.  I know - it's chaos.  But ... a heart of repentance, a heart of humility, a heart of expectation, a heart of reverence, a heart of preparation  - they're all the first step to encountering the Lord.

2.  We wait.

There's only so-much-time.  Always.  People are in a rush ... but as in every relationship - how are you to grow, to learn, to commune without having time?  How do we expect to be changed in the presence of God and HEAR from Him, if we don't give Him the time to speak to us?  Some of the most powerful times in worship for me, personally, have come in the silence - in the waiting.  I've experienced His voice in those times - I know He comes when we wait.

3.  We respond.

During a service - moving to the isle to worship, going to the alter, lifting hands, getting on your knees ... when we ACT on the move of the Spirit, something happens.  It becomes contagious - it stirs freedom.  When one person responds, usually many follow - because it goes back to humility and not worrying how we look.  It's about laying it all down.  We all want the freedom He gives, we all want to leave changed ... but it can't happen if we don't choose to respond.

Wow.  I've really gone out on a limb here ... but it's where my heart's at this evening.  I feel the urgency to write this and I'm believing that someone is supposed to read it.  I want for us to be prepared for our service on Sunday ... because there is no "secret recipe" to being in the presence of God.  It's actually very simple ... repent, wait, respond.  

What's the point of all of this?  Well,  it's really for the lost, no?  Our focus isn't on what we have to gain for ourselves in a worship service, it's quite the opposite - but we know that a move of God CHANGES people.  So, if we've already been changed, if we know the truth ... then it would only make sense that our preparation for a worship service that brings miracles and change, would be for those who don't know the Lord ... no?

So as we worship, may we begin with ourselves ... maybe we prepare, and expect God to move - so that we can be ready for the masses who still don't know the Good News.  

Have a great one xx.

[worship: I Need You More.]

The truth is - sometimes I'm a big, fat chicken.  And that's not an insult to my waistline - it's a wakeup call on my fear of approval.  Yeah, yeah - some days I don't worry about it ... but other days, I do.

Last week - I was sitting at the piano, preparing for last night's worship service,  and I felt compelled to record this song.  I was going to put it up on this blog - and then chose against it.  I was afraid that it would seem self-serving ... rather than the truth: I felt that the Lord was asking me to.  But, how could I explain that?

Well ... last night, I learned a valuable lesson.  See - I don't really think much about this blog. I mean, I do and I don't.  I have NO CLUE who comes and checks it out (unless you leave a comment, how could I?).  But after the Recovery Service, a "blast from the past" was walking by and I stopped her ... and I spoke her name.

She turned to me ... and that conversation has impacted me in more ways than I can tell you. See, for the last few years - I've been posting on my FB status "who wants free Christmas Production tickets" and this girl always answered, and came.  And as of late, I've been posting about the Recovery Service and it's times etc ... and guess what:  she came.

I had no clue ... but she's been coming for a couple of months.  And her life is CHANGED.  I stood there, in literal awe as tears streamed down her face.  She told me her story, how God has changed everything - "it's REAL, it's NO JOKE" she just kept saying as I stared wide-eyed.  

She hasn't had a drink since she gave her life to Jesus Christ.  I'm telling you - I just couldn't believe what she was saying ... I was overjoyed.   

I say all of that, not to toot my horn at ALL. BUT ... there is power in FB statuses, in blogposts.  People read them ... you read them, right?  She talked about my meal plans, about my kids (when they walked up she smiled, "I KNOW these kids" she said ...).  She said to be strong ... to keep on doing it.  To live for Jesus and not be afraid.

So.  That's what I'm going to do.  Thanks for the reminder ES *wink*.

[worship: God I Look To You.]

A friend of mine was sharing with me about a difficult journey of an acquaintance of hers.  And ever since we chatted about how yucky life can sometimes be, I've had this song running through my head.

I haven't posted a worship video on this blog in a loooong time ... I almost forgot how.  And this was recorded last night, after a long day and I'm feeling like I need to explain why I look so disheveled *smile*.  But the truth is, it's about the song - not about my lack of make-up or presentation ... and I'm hoping that it'll penetrate your heart, as it does mine.

This song is from Jenn Johnson from Bethel Church in the US.  There is some really great music out there ... maybe it's time for a new inspirational album *smile*.

"God I look to You
I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision
To see things like You do
God I look to You
You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom
You know just what to do

I will love You Lord my strength
I will love You Lord my shield
I will love You Lord my rock, forever
All my days, I will love You God."

I hope you have a great one, despite the rain - despite your circumstance - despite whatever is thrown at you today!

[talk: At the Core of Who I Am.]

Yesterday, I got to be a part of something great - something that hits me so deep that I cannot explain it.  I know I say it often, but I guess my repetition just lets me know just how important it is to me ... 

Worship.

It had snowed through the night, made me a bit nervous about whether the band would all get there - but they did.  And it really, truly, rocked my world.

I've been leading worship since I was barely a teenager ... a lifetime ago :-).  And every now and then I get a really overwhelming emotion of gratefulness that someway, somehow, I was chosen for this.  Even 20 years later ... leading, watching, participating, encouraging ... in that moment, in those moments, the rest of the world falls away.

It was interesting because this past weekend I had some pretty intense conversations about my faith.  Truthfully, I don't really like debating about it - but I'm not afraid to.  And I'm not afraid to get stuck in a corner of defending absolutes and just shrugging my shoulders.

See - yesterday morning, having an intimate experience with God in worship, makes every argument and debate fly out the window for me.  Unless you've experienced God's love and His grace - there's no point.  You can argue about emotionalism, manipulation ... you can reason with science and facts.  You can think you've won ... but at the core of who I am, is my faith.  You cannot persuade me, you cannot move me.

So for me, yesterday's service was more than just a worship service.  It was more than seeing other believers encouraging others ... it was more than being a part of incredible music or me giving it my all - it was simply yet another confirmation of who I am and who God is.

I don't know where God is taking me in all of this.   Sometimes I panic about time.  Awe, who am I kidding - I panic about time all the time.  I hear the clock ticking inside my head.  I feel the urgency inside to get going, to make it happen (whatever that is).  I'm continuing to try and figure out how to walk through open doors and what that looks like - and I'm also realizing that I'm already doing that, to some extent.

I've been planting a few idea "seeds" with a friend on the East Coast of America.  I have no clue what it looks like, but I'm believing that the connection there is for a real purpose.  I'm believing that I'll visit Virginia/Washington DC sometime this year and be amazed at how God has been putting all the pieces together.

Again.   No clue what it all looks like ... big dreams don't look the same for everyone.  My big dreams doesn't have to mean big numbers.  But God's plan for me is BIG - whatever it is.  It's His plan.  It can't be small. I can't judge it with human eyes ... touching one life is BIG.

So.

That's what's on my heart and mind today ... confirmation in who I am, stronger belief in who He is, and trying to walk the path that He's leading me on.

And hey ... on a COMPLETE side note (I'm good for that ...) the scale has been surprising me.  131.4lbs.  I'm hoping to be in the 120's (even 129.9 *grin*) by the time we leave next week to our spring break destination ...   Man.  I am only 1lb away from being the LOWEST I've been since I had kiddies ... the weight I was when I finished our "biggest loser" competition.

But I'm not done ... I want to lose some more, tone it up, have the body that makes me feel strong and healthy.  The body that makes me not worry about "if" I can fit into something and where the summer swimsuit season doesn't make me hyperventilate ...

But for this week ... 1.5lbs is ALL I need :-).  Today ... I shall run.

Have a great one.

Really.

A GREAT one.

[worship: In Christ Alone.]

So.

I've been posting a lot of digipages and recipes ... but I've been avoiding writing what's in my heart.  Hmmm ...  maybe that's not accurate.  No.  That's not accurate.  I'm not avoiding.  But maybe I'm just using wisdom (oh, now there's a thought for me *grin*...).  I am not void of faults - that's for sure - and I'm pretty sure I don't need to go into detail on the things that make my head spin.  We've all got them ... *smile*.

But, a couple of nights ago I found myself in a place that feels like home.  Worship.  I've been thinking a lot about it - and I continue to realize that worship is at the core of who I am.  It's how I commune with God, and how He speaks to me.  It's how I say "I love You," and "I'm sorry" - and how I receive His grace.  So many times, the words of other's songs say it best ...

I led at the Recovery Service this past Sunday night.  My soul came alive.  And this song - it speaks truth in every verse.  It's poetry, a twenty-first century hymn.  We've sung it for years, but on Sunday night   watching the congregation of the "untypical" church-goer sing it as one voice ... well - this isn't even close to being the same, but I wanted to share it with you today ... 

"No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man - can ever pluck me from His hand.  'Til He returns, or calls me home, here in the pow'r of Christ I stand."

I'm battling a chest infection or something - and FINALLY got a prescription.  I'm hoping for some sleep as the last few nights have been a gong show. Why is that when I lie down, my lungs fill up and my body seizes in a coughing fit??  So frustrating.  Last night was the worst ... I finally hit the sack at 1am and proceeded in coughing my face off.  Who knows when I fell asleep - only to be woken up at 4am with the power going out and the clocks beeping and our 3 year old crying because his room was now pitch black.  Gong.  Show.  That's four nights that I haven't sleep more than an hour or two at a time ... if this medicine doesn't kick in today I just may shed a few tears.

I'm leading this Sunday morning and have Christmas production practices as well this weekend ... I need my voice.  And my rest.  It's hard to be all that I need to be when I'm tired and sick.  Or is it sick and tired?  *smirk*.  Whatever.

Hmm.

Ok.

That's it for now ... have a great one *smile*.

[biggest loser: It's Monday Again ...]

Well - first off - I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. We had a fantastic time trick-or-treating with our kids ... and whether you choose to be involved in Halloween or not, I hope that you made some wonderful memories with those you love.

I'll post more on that later this week ...

Secondly, yesterday was my first time leading worship at my home church since having Katia. I've been on "mat leave" (ha! is there such a thing for volunteers???), and found myself super nervous yesterday. Part of it, is that I usually have plenty of time to prepare for the service. And with a newborn who needs me RIGHT when I'm trying to get things done, made preparing sooo difficult. ANYway - before the service I asked God to not let my human-ess get in the way - to do what He wanted, despite all the things that I didn't do to prepare. And things went well. He's good that way *smile* ...

OK - now for the Biggest Loser weigh in. Are you all still there??? Are you making giant leaps, or baby steps?? I love it when you choose to leave comments - then I don't feel so "putting myself out there" and on my own *grin*!!

I had so hoped to wear "normal" pants, the first time I lead worship. Well. No. Didn't happen. I had on those stupid maternity pants ... BUT I was able to squeeze myself into my size6 petite pants in the morning ... I just couldn't sit in them *laughing* - so out came the maternity pants. Next time, right? ... I can see the light at the end of the tunnel ... I had also hoped to be in the 140's by the time I lead worship again ... nope.

Today's weigh in: 150.8lbs waist: 34inches hips: 38.5inches.

So - I'm down 2.4lbs and half an inch on my waist and hips from last week. Slowly, but surely ... right?? If I think about being happy to be 150lbs, it kinda makes me a bit ill ... I have such a long way to go ... another 25lbs seems a lifetime away. How I wish I was 125lbs with a 29inch waist. But I need to just remember "baby steps"...

My goal for next week? 148lbs, 33.5 inch waist and 37.5 inch hips. Oh - and to wear NORMAL pants for the Christmas production in December. I can lose 10 pounds by December, right???

How did you do this week??

[worship: Let My Words Be Few]

Communication has never been difficult for me. Ever since I can remember, I spoke my mind - sometimes ending with a foot in my mouth *grin*. And as soon as I could print, I used the written word to tell stories and document what I saw, what I felt. I would practice printing for hours, as my gr1 teacher had told me that I would never have nice penmanship because I'm left-handed. So I practiced and practiced, and I quite like my penmanship thank you very much *grin*.

Now, with the computer, my handwriting is kept for grocery lists, birthday cards ... and writing songs. I've written a few, a few are even published, but I cannot write without being inspired. And after the last few weeks of awakenings and emotions you'd think that I would have much to pull from ... the music has come - but not the lyrics. So, I will wait - maybe a day, a week or a month - but until then, this song says it all. I sang it at the wedding today, and thought I'd share it with you.

[worship: It Was Inevidible,Wasn't It?]

SO ... how am I doing? I'm going mental trying to put SPACES between the paragraphs - but it's not working *ugh*. And aside from this ridiculously dreary weather - I'm doing alright. Seriously, I'm so thankful that I overdosed on vitamin D in the sun last week because I think I just might have scurvy by now if I hadn't ...

And regarding my last post? *smile* I sure got a lot of kind words and wisdom from some remarkable people. Don't you find that when your head's hanging low, there are people around to remind you of all the good stuff? Or are just there to validate? Mighty wonderful, I'd have to say ... and a special shoutout to Carmen, whom I don't believe I know personally, but such wise words were spoken from a lovely heart. Thank you *smile*. You're right.

Does that mean that I'm not still in mourning the smack of reality? Nope. I still am ... and as I said to my mom today (poor lady, she reads my blog and after seeing her today I could tell that she was a little *cough* perplexed about my last post), "It's not that I'm unhappy. If anything it just shows how WONDERFUL the vacation was." And I have this to add as well: when our insecurities rear their ugly heads and we find ourselves wishing we were someone else or whatever the case may be - be thankful that you CAN see those insecurities. I told my cousin (who was on the vacation with us - and feeling quite the same as I), "It's like realizing you're living in the Matrix ... Last week I felt like my eyes were opened to some things about my life - and it was hard and wonderful all at the same time. Just because it was a lonely place doesn't mean I'd want to live in ignorance instead. I'd rather know I was living in the Matrix than be unaware." Ok. If you haven't seen the movie, you'll have no clue what that was all about.

And as for the Cruise of a Lifetime - do I have pictures? Sure do ... I posted about 2.7 billion of them on my FB. Trying to chose 10 of them to show you has given me a headache. Maybe tomorrow *grin*.

So, instead, I've decided to continue down the path of transparency and show who I am. Who I am, at the core, is a worshipper. If you've come to this site looking for Digiscrapping or something else, I invite you to take a moment and see what really is the most important thing for me.

I hope that's ok.