[shalom: A Little Visit. Not So Much.]

This past Friday, my parents had our boys over for a sleepover. Our boys love both sets of their grandparents - and each family has special things they do with the boys. It's a really beautiful thing.

And for us, it meant a night out. We decided to get our Christmas shopping done - and headed into the city with Katia and our credit cards *grin*.

On the way, I suddenly had the urge to go to Shalom's grave site. We hadn't been there in almost 2 years. I had thought we'd go on her "due date - birthday", but it's never been appropriate and natural. So we never did. But for some reason, right then - I really needed to be there.

My hubby looked at me and said, "sure. Let's go."

I found myself super emotional. Having Katia safe and asleep in her carseat, and driving in the cold and the rain to visit the grave of our other daughter. It was really, really strange.

We got to her site, and my hubby told me to go on ahead. He'd stay with Katia until I returned - then he would go.

So I went ... right to her little spot. And I couldn't find her. She had had a temporary marker, and somehow - it was gone. But then again, I wasn't sure if I just couldn't find her.

Up and down the rows, I walked. My hubby finally honked the horn and made me get out of the rain ...

I got into the van and cried. What kind of mother doesn't know where her child is buried???

We went to the Funeral Home and a very kind lady assured me that Shalom was there. She got a map out, and joined me in the rain - walking to the exact spot I had thought Shalom was. Except, there was no marker.

The lady was horrified, to say the least - but again, assured me that she was there and that the temporary marker is really only for the first year ...

I walked back to the van, got in, smacked the rain off of me ... and my hubby turned to me, "I think we need to buy a headstone." Um. Yah. I think so ... I never want to go back there without her being properly marked.

So - this week, that is what we're doing. Buying a permanent marker for our little girl. That's not a fun thing, I assure you ... but I think we're ready. It'll be 4 years this December 17th since we lost her.

I think it's time.