I've been debating how transparent I should be on this blog. A-HA .. I've got your attention now *smile* ... Some of you who come and visit, I've never met. Most, though, are friends or are church family - and I feel a responsibility to be accurate in my words. I would hate for my ramblings to be misinterpreted or diluted ... or slandered. But after my brain aching over the same thoughts, I've come to think that maybe - just maybe - I'm not alone in this one. Something has really caught me by surprise.
Seriously - every time a friend has looked me in the eyes, with a big grin and said, "SOO???? How was your trip??" I can't even talk. My eyes well up and I quietly say, "I can't talk about it just yet." How crazy is that?? And I'm certain they think I'm a loon, or that our vacation was just the worst thing ever.
But it wasn't. Our vacation was incredible. We had SO much fun with our cousins and with each other. And I will be sharing about the crazy things we did, and I have a few million photos to share too *grin*. Fantastic ports, a beautiful ship, hot, glorious weather. A really perfect holiday.
But as the week went on, I found myself spending more time on my own - and being satisfied with that. I haven't really been on my "own" (aside from those 30 hours in Phoenix) and being able to dive into selfishness on a daily basis. When I say that, I mean that I didn't have to make sure that Josiah was being watched while I went to the bathroom. Or I could read entire chapters of my novel without interruption and get lost in the story. I could stay out until 2am, watching a movie or having a brewed tea. I could meet people, whom I did - such wonderful people - and laugh, learn, just be with.
And I was just ... Tawn.
Even as I write this, tears stream down my face. Not because I don't love my life - I do. It's not about that. If I wasn't married for 10 years with two glorious kids - having every moment for myself - I would be doing everything in my power to BE that married person with two glorious kids. I am satisfied in that. But I feel like I'm already losing that person that I got reacquainted with on the ship. I'm already waist deep in titles of what I think I'm supposed to be or what others want from me. And I'm certain that most of those titles are accurate, and yet being just Tawn was the most glorious part of my week away. I've never been on a vacation where I feel like I physically took of my Coat of Titles and got to have just me shine through.
As the Lord would have it, I became attached to a family on the ship. How this happened, I'm really not sure. But it did. They were all on board for their parent's 50th Anniversary - and they represented Christ so evidently. We hit it off and to them, I was just me. Not a wife or mom. Not a hostess or a worship leader. I wasn't a piano player or a music teacher. I was just Tawn ... do you get the reoccurring theme here *smile*?
And maybe this is what the whole experience has been about for me - remembering to have moments where I can be just "me" and reinforcing the desire to be known and to know others ... Maybe even YOU don't see me as all of those titles either. Maybe you DO know who I am, and it's just my own insecurities living the unspoken expectations I feel. Maybe it's all in my head - trust me - there have been a LOT of things going on in this head of mine *grin*. So many things.
And I know that this is all mighty strange - but for me, this moment is so real. And tomorrow it will feel less strong, and the day after that and after that. And eventually I'll read this and not even be able to relate to any of it ... I just hope someone who reads this can.
Which leads me to this final thought - if coming home has been such an emotional experience, do I wish I'd never gone? HECK no. I wouldn't trade a moment, a conversation, a new friend, a photograph ...
I just wish I could relive every moment all over again.