[talk: Today's Plan]

Well, not a lot of responses on what you like to read on my blog *grin* ... that's ok. I know a lot of you just come 'round for a quick peek - and don't really need a homework assignment from me *laughing*.

Today's plan? Well ... we're off to a wedding - so I guess I'll be showering and getting dressed. Hopefully, there won't be any tears as I try to shoehorn myself into something presentable *smirk*.

The bride is a past piano student ... she comes from what I call, the "Glory Days". This was a time in my studio where it was buzzing, I didn't have kids, and I threw all my time and energy into my studio and the kids in it. It was a very special time for me ... and I adored the group of 40 students that I had. So, what an honour to be thought of 5 years later and be invited to her special day!!

Our boys are heading to their grandparents for the afternoon & a sleep over ... they are terribly excited because there's talk of heading to the bowling alley ... those boys and bowling *grin*. They love it!

If I get home early enough, my plan is to start working on Katia's birth announcement (digiscrap), thank you cards (she's received so many lovely gifts ...), and finishing up the legal forms for her birth certificate, SIN and MSP. Phewf. And just in case you forgot how cute she was *GRIN* ... (um, I'm a proud Mama, humour me *GRIN*)


One thing before I go ... I spent some time last night on the piano and in the Word. I find that worship and the Psalms are like a "spa day" for my soul. The only thing is, is that I'm starting to get concerned about the pins and needles in my hands. This has been going on for about 3 to 4 weeks now, and I thought it would be gone once Katia was born. But it hasn't ...

Have any of you experienced tingly fingers because of pregnancy? Did it go away?? Playing the piano, typing, picking up things ... it's all annoying with the tips of my fingers being numb.

Maybe you have some info that could help? Would LOVE to hear that this is normal and that it'll go away!!

Have a good one ...

[product review: Baby Jogger City Elite Stroller]

There were two things that I asked for, if we ended up having a daughter. One, was that we would eventually paint her room to have some pink accents with the brown that already exists ... two, that we would purchase a new stroller.

It really was time. Our car seat was 5 years old, navy, haggard ... and the stroller we had (Peg Perego) was beaten up, clunky ... and navy. We also had a Zooper jogging stroller ... that weighed a ton and took up the entire trunk of our van. Both are going on Craigslist, or will be donated to someone (or organisation) that could really use them.

So, we off we went to TJs The Kiddie Store to look.

After much deliberation and research, we ended up with the Baby Jogger "City Elite" stroller, and yesterday I had my first outing with it.

What did I think??? IT'S AMAZING!!! Super, super light - one movement to open and close it ... it wheels with one hand, and is small enough to go through narrow openings. We purchased an attachment so that the carseat can click in, but it was super easy to do - and the carseat fits perfectly (we bought a new Grayco one, the most inexpensive carseat we could find ...). There is storage at the bottom, plus small storage pockets at the handles and my diaper bag hangs perfectly. Originally, I had wanted a "girly" pink colour ... but the green was lovely, and so we went with that (plus, it came in red - not pink).

I HIGHLY recommend this product, if you're in the market for a new stroller!!

**I've fallen behind in "daily life", and become consumed with our new addition *smile*. I'm wondering what kind of posts YOU like to read? Would you like to see more renovations "before & after" pictures? Digiscrap pages (I've actually been catching up on those!)? Recipes & meal plans (um. right. I need to start doing that again ... )? Or do you like to grab a coffee and read stuff that I just ramble on about - things I'm learning/dealing with/excited about? ... Let me know - would love to hear from you!**

[biggest loser: I'm a Mom. Not a Loser.]

Sunday.

Usually a day that I look forward to, because I LOVE our home church, our friends & family there ... plus, I usually add a bit of lipgloss and put on a skirt for the day.

This past Sunday, I'm not sure what happened. See, I KNOW that Katia was only 4 days old - but for some reason I was convinced I could put my maternity clothes away, and my brain put me back to this:

... which I am not.

Why did I put myself through that?? I hadn't worn anything other than my yoga pants and a tank top ... a big one ... for weeks, and on Sunday morning I ACTUALLY tried to put on a black top that made me feel like a sausage. When I checked the label, I literally laughed OUTLOUD. It was an extra-small.

Today, I was at the doctor's office, and I asked him a few questions about me and what's going on inside. I told him that I had 30lbs to lose ... and he smiled. I told him that I didn't want to lose my milk. He smiled ... and I said, "If I lose the weight, I'll lose my milk?" And he smiled again. He told me that some weight will fall off over the next couple of weeks ... but I'll probably have 10-15lbs to do on my own.

Hmm. Ok.

I also told him that I think I have a slight case of the "Baby Blues". Yesterday was a bad day ... like a black cloud hung over me. But today has been better - probably because I got 2 sets of 3hrs of sleep last night ... very much needed.

He told me to let my hubby know what to look for - and if I feel like I'm falling into the abyss, to call his office right away. Unfortunately, I can't just eat more peaches and feel better ... it's a hormone thing, and I feel better just by telling him and letting him know. Now I know he's watching, and if I get too down, I'll be saved.

I've never fallen too far into the "blues", so hopefully this will clean up quickly too and I'll feel more like myself in the next couple of weeks. And I think that having a bit of the weight lost will also really help how I feel about myself.

SO - I won't be "Slim Tawn" for a while ... but I've traded that title for "Mom of Three". And I'm pretty sure that I like that one better *smile*.

And maybe, one day, I can be both.

[new baby: A Mother's Guilt]

Katia is almost a week old ... and although it would be amusing to say, "WOW - a week already?? Where does the time go??" ... truth is, is that it has been a long week.

I got a phone call from a Public Health Nurse yesterday, going through all the necessary medical questions of jaundice, filled diapers, correct latching etc ... Quite honestly, I just wanted to get off the phone as Katia finally fell asleep and I had promised Mattias that he and I would have a Wii competition. But the nurse kept on and on, Katia started to cry, Mattias was pulling on my leg ... and the poor nurse said, "How are you doing emotionally??"

And the tears rolled down.

I told her that everything really IS fine. My husband has been amazing, friends & family have been so supportive, our home is in order thanks to Miss. S ... but I haven't been getting much consecutive sleep (a night, an hour here an hour there ...) and I feel like my blood is a maze of hormones that makes me dizzy.

She told me, with a smile in her voice, to just have a good cry. I haven't gotten 'round to doing that yet. Seems like I'm being pulled in all the different directions - and I just want to be a good mom. That's what all of us go through, I'm sure. Spending time with one child, while another asks for your attention somewhere else.

This is a short season - and honestly, I actually don't mind the night feedings where Katia and I are alone in the quiet of the night. But I feel so guilty about the time she takes during the day, time that used to be the boys.

BUT - I will say this ... I am SO thankful to be done the pregnant part. I can at least play "hide & seek" with Siah ... I can tickle attack Mattias and have him jump on my back. I can get in and out of bed with ease, the 10times I need to at night, and singing the "Day Song" to the boys (a improvised song I sing every night about what we all did that day) with cuddles is SO much easier ... And the recovery from Katia's birth has been flawless, unlike the other two boys. I am so thankful that there haven't been any complications ...

On another note, my father returned from a Missions Trip to Russia & Poland (our family's love for Russia is shown in our wee girl's name ... ). He was away for the birth, and got to meet his new granddaughter yesterday ... straight from the airport. How long do you think it took for him to fall in love with her?? *GRIN*

Anyway - that's where I'm at today. Feeling blessed, guilty, tired, elated ... basically just a wee bit imbalanced *grin*. If I can stay on top of the emotions, I'll be just fine ... Blogging seems to help - and knowing that this is also journaling (when I print this all out in a book), makes it not seem like such a waste of time *GRIN*.

Have a great one ...

[new baby: Welcome Katia Rose]

Pink. A colour I never thought would be a part of our home ...

On Wednesday, August 26th I had a routine doctor's appointment at 10am. I was curious as to whether anything was "happening", as I had that low, groaning pain for what felt like weeks.

My doctor decided to contact the hospital before he did any checking - as he didn't want to start something if there wasn't any room for me at the hospital. Well - he got the go-ahead, and so he checked. I was 3cm dilated and my waters were "bulging". Sorry for the word picture, but that's what he said *grin*.

After inspection, my doctor said, "Look - it's going to happen in the next couple of days. I don't know how fast you could go into labour, but I would rather have it supervised than have it happen and you not be able to get to the hospital. I think we should book a room, and I'll break your waters and we'll get you to have this baby."

Um. WHAT?? Ok ... my heart started racing ... KNOWING that I'm going to choose to go into the most intense pain?? But it did have it's strong points. Like, I went home, packed our bags. Our boys got to see me NOT in pain, saying, "Ok - the doctor says it's time to go the hospital and have the baby!!"

Mattias was crazy excited, running around the house singing, "We're gonna have a baby. We're gonna have a baby!"

My friend, CW, came and picked me up ... went to the hospital (after waiting for what seemed like the LONGEST train to go through our town ...). My hubby met us there, as did our doctor. Out came the "hook" ... waters broke and the games began. That was at just before 1pm.

Labour didn't start immediately, but once it got going it was *cough*, intense. Labour started just around 3pm. By just before 4pm, I was 7cm ... and was stuck there for what felt like a lifetime (about an hour).

I chose to have no drugs, not to be a hero. But because they can sometimes slow things down, and also I've found that they don't always make things pain-free, but rather just make me feel loopy and out-of-control (while still feeling all of the pain ...).

By 5:20pm I was 9.5cm. Can I tell you that I wanted to jump out the window and make the pain STOP??? The doctor was so patient, and I was begging him to get "this baby out of me". So I was to lay on my side to convince that last half centimeter (which pretty much made me lose my mind ... and my poor mother-in-law had to hear me utter some choice words *grin*). Then, at 5:29pm, I was up on the bed - ready to push ... feeling like I really didn't want to do this anymore ...

Katia (KAH-tyah) Rose was born at 5:34pm, in all of her glory - and my hubby shocked me with his cry "It's a GIRL!!!" and his hand shooting up in victory. Honestly - I didn't care ... I just wanted some reassurance that it was over *grin* and some pain medicine. My body always goes into shock after having a baby - getting the chills and the shakes ... but so worth it ... obviously!

She was 7lbs 6oz (our boys were 6lbs4oz and 6lbs12oz ... ) and 20inches long. The doctor said that she was between 2-3 weeks early (which would've given me the Sept12 due date that the ultra sound had given me ... ). I asked if he regretted starting the process, and he looked at me and said, "Oh, she would've come within 24 hours ... this was a much safer way to have her."

Here's a family pic, when Katia was about 2hrs old.

Our immediate family came to celebrate with us ... we ordered pizza & pop and basically had a bit of a party in the room (um, after I showered and such ...).

I had a good cry in the shower ... a daughter. I couldn't believe it. And it wasn't like I was secretly praying for a girl ... I wasn't. But as soon as I could process it, I realized that God knew what was best for us ... and how the "what ifs" of Shalom would no longer weigh on me.

Katia is not a replacement for Shalom, just as Josiah wasn't. But the fear I had of being an old women, visiting Shalom's grave, wondering what it would've been like to have my daughter ... well, those cobwebs lifted on August 26th.

I have so much more to say ... but there's time for all of that. Thank you to you all for your love and prayers ...

[new baby: Getting Help by Having a Nanny.]

I received a lovely email from a highschool friend, and felt that I needed to respond based on her encouraging words. I won't cut n' paste her email, but the jyst of it was encouragement - that the baby will come *smile* - and what a great job I'm doing with the boys, photography etc ... She even touched me with the whole Proverbs 31 comparison. But at the end of her email, she revealed her own feelings of "having only one child" and struggling at times. And I was sad that I had given her the perception that I could do it all ...

So - LT, this is what I've learned through these past 6 difficult months ...

Anyone who knows me, knows that I take great pride in our home, in our children, in opening that home to many different people, usually a couple of times a week. I've loved running my own music studio, in being involved with music at church ... I love to do things, go places, create things, make memories. But when my hubby broke his leg 24wks ago, and I began to bleed at 14wks pregnant (or was it more/less? ... I can't exactly remember ... ) and ended up in the emergency room - I realized that I could not do all that I had been able to.

And I think that this was a great lesson for me, personally. Why? Because, I've always been confident in what I do, because I care a lot about how others perceive me, because I feel the need to be able to say, "I did that myself." But when our home was in chaos 5 months ago, and I was literally on the ground weeping from exhaustion and the fear of losing our baby, we did what was advised to us - and we got help.

It's a funny thing - because Miss. S has lived with us for a few months now, and it was suggested to me to never talk about her ... because it would take away from anything that I DID do, that people would judge and roll their eyes, that it was nobodys business. But I'm now at a place where I can say, "You know what - I needed help, and if I'm silent about it - it feels like I'm ashamed. And I'm not."... and I literally whacked down my pride (which was a mountain, as embarrassing as that sounds ...) and did what was best for our home during this whole season.

Miss. S is not a "free ride" ticket. It's far from perfect, but the benefits have more than outweighed any negatives. She works two 4hr shifts in a day, Monday to Friday. I don't sit and eat bonbons all day (oooo - that sounds like a nice thing to do, doesn't it??) ... although I have needed her MUCH more these last 2 weeks than I ever thought I would. Basically, whatever I am unable to do, she does. I will not lie - it is pure luxury to not bend down and clean the bathtub (not like I could *laughing* ... that would not be pretty), to know that if our baby comes in the middle of the night - that the boys will not be disturbed and we can leave them in good hands, to not have to lift the heavy items from Costco out of the cart - and the thought of being able to pick Tias up from school without having to wake the baby up from a nap in the fall? I am so very, very, very grateful for this.

I am also extremely grateful to be financially able to have this kind of help. I know that not everyone can. I will also let you know that Canada allows $7000 per child to be written off with nanny care (as IF you'd spend that much!!). A nanny is also so much more than childcare, it's "homecare" - for around $8.00 an hour. A live-in nanny is less expensive than Daycare, or for housecleaning, if you were curious. Heck, we've paid for babysitters that charge $10.00+ per hour.

How long will this season last? We were asked to sign a year contract, that will expire this coming March. Will we renew our contract? Not with the agency, but with Miss. S - I really don't know ... mainly because we have grown to love Miss. S and she is trying to get her residency and bring her son here to be with her. If it takes a few more months of her working for her to do that, then we may decide to keep her on for those few months.

Now - that is not to say that people who choose to have help for longer seasons, shouldn't. Every home, every situation is different. Even our own choice to have live-in help was decided based on very specific circumstances ... if my hubby hadn't busted his leg when he did, I may never had felt desperate enough to need the help.

There are things that I am able to do because I have help. I spend more time with my kids. Our home is basically calm, in functioning order ... that is SUCH an incredible gift for the stage that I'm in with our pregnancy. This is VERY important to my hubby (for all of you who know him, you know he likes his house in order *grin*) If I didn't have the help, things would NOT be so efficient around here.

Do I regret having help? Sometimes ... when I feel like people perhaps belittle my own accomplishments and make me feel like the only reason I can do "anything" is because I have help ... I've only had help for a few months, and I don't like feeling like "everything" that I have accomplished prior to having Miss. S is not my own. But that just goes back to my OWN pride, my OWN issues, and my pride is not what's best for our home.

And I think we all get help in different ways - and it's a beautiful thing to recognise it. Some people receive help by parents having a basement suite that their kids can live in, or perhaps by providing a job or some other financial/tangible way (paying debts, loaning a car, giving an old couch etc..) Some families get together during the week and grandmoms make dinner - relieving the younger moms from having to make something that night. Some families are able to give of their time, and watch their grandchildren for a couple of days during the week while parents go to work, or let those parents have a night out. Some people don't have any family that are able to help, but are surrounded by friends who are so willing to be that "family". Whatever help you get - stop and be thankful. Recognise it. If you don't get help and feel you need it - I would so encourage you to be brave and ask. And if you don't need help, then maybe you're the perfect person to help someone else who does ...

Which leads me to Proverbs 31. Have you ever wondered what the conversation was like between the Proverbs 31 woman, and her husband? As their responsibilities grew, as their "territory" grew ... can you see him sitting down at the dinner table saying, "Look, Honey - I really appreciate the way you help others, and making a warm meal for all of us. But I NEED you to clothe the kids in scarlet - the snow's coming. I don't care how you do it ... go ask the neighbour girls next door to come and help ... you can't do it all on your own because I also need that property bought at the end of the stream ..." Do you think she felt failure? That she didn't measure up? And her having to "give in" and ask for help was easy? ( ... that is, if the Proverbs 31 woman was more than just an example of who we women could be in Christ ...)

So, LT, this post is to let you - and everyone else - know that I do not, cannot, do it all on my own. Having the house in order, the laundry done, playing with the boys, being involved at our church, starting a business - all while being pregnant and with a husband recovering from surgery ... nope. I wasn't able to do it. And I know that many can, and do a fantastic job of it. How does that make me feel? Not so great, actually. But that's ok *smile* ... that's my issue - not theirs.

Will I forget this lesson, and try to be "all of that" when Miss. S leaves and I'm doing it all? I'm HOPING to continue to manage my time wisely - like I used to with only 2 kids - so that when she DOES leave, the hole isn't so huge. But it will be. I know that. There will be definite parts of reality that will slap me in the face ...

I went back to Proverbs 31 and smiled when I read verse 15. She had help. Have a good read of this passage, and you will find MANY things that YOU do are exactly what this scripture encourages us wives, mothers, friends to do ... here's what it says, starting at verse 10:

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I believe that this scripture is only possible if you have people around you to support and help. Maybe not - maybe you're doing just fine *smile*. Maybe you could teach me a few things - that would be FINE with me *grin*!!

So, be encouraged - be blessed and know that most of us are on this same journey. And although it looks different from person to person, and home to home, I'm sure we're all just doing the very best that we can.

[new baby: 38wks+3days]

What's the update? I've had a lot of lovely friends ask how things are going - and I thought I'd just put it on my blog so that everyone gets the same story *smile*.

Well - it's Monday morning and I am full of many emotions. And most of them are way down deep in my bones, a result of a million raging hormones that make me feel like I'm going a wee bit insane *grin*. Pleading insanity isn't necessarily a bad thing ...

Everyone asks, "So - is this pregnancy different?" ... meaning, "Do you think it's a girl?" And truthfully, I have no clue ... but these last 2 weeks have DEFINITELY been different.

I am pretty much in constant pain - that constant groaning, low stomach ache. And THAT is not normal. I remember with Mattias, that the moment I felt something "down low", it was the start of labour. Same with Josiah ... in fact, my water broke BEFORE I even felt the slightest pain.

This pain keeps me from being the mom that I want to be. I am so tired, and on the verge of tears ... again, not because of anything particular - just the whacked out hormones *grin - gotta love them*. My feet are so swollen, that they've now cracked on the top of my foot to where the swollen bends are. I cannot feel the tips of any of my fingers, and lying down to sleep causes both hands to throb with swollen-ness, but with the added aggravation of pins-&-needles.

I drank the "tea" yesterday ... a couple of cups. And not a whole lot changed ... small things I noticed, but nothing big.

I was chatting with a friend on the weekend - and she was so great. I bared my soul to her, all the out-of-control feelings I have, the useless-mother-syndrome ... and she validated me and reminded me that I'm at the end ... that I'm normal. That I'm not being ungrateful ... that I cannot avoid being consumed by these things, because they are living inside of me ...

SO - where does that leave me? Well ... this week is going to be a CALM week, no late nights or doing more than I should. The boys are going to go to bed on time for the entire week ... I'm going to bring my overnight bag with me, wherever I go.

Maybe it'll be today ... or tomorrow. I have have 11 days left before "due date", which means I could have a long ways to go if he/she's overdue ... I cannot control that - and God already has the perfect birthdate for our new little one ...

I just hope it's before my hubby leaves for England on Sept.12.09.

[new baby: The Heirloom Blanket]

When I was pregnant with Josiah, my mother pulled out the circular, white blanket that my Nana had knitted for my arrival. Mom had kept it in pristine condition for 32 years. I wish I could say that it was in the SAME condition *blush*, but I CAN say that it is certainly LOVED by Siah. He has chewed it, pulled it, dragged it - you name it. And it's not so much "white", as it is *cough* ... gray-ish?? He LOVES his blanket.

Well - when we found out we were pregnant with this new little one (come ONNNN baby ... ), I asked my mom if she would consider knitting a blanket for him/her. She actually was pretty excited about it, went out and picked a pattern and the softest white yarn ... and today she presented it to me.

Wanna see?

And wanna see what it looks like in the nursery? Ok - so wehaven't changed the room at all since we prepared it for Josiah. Why bother? I like it, it's calm and cozy ... and if it's a girl - well, then I just might "girly" it up. If it's a boy ... for me, it's perfect.

We did do a LITTLE bit of renos on this room - only in that the carpet was changed and the baseboards/crown moulding were added. Here's the room ... and the most lovely blanket, made with love ...

And I'll let you know that she reads my blog ... so if you are so inclined, you can let her know what a FANTASTIC job she did ... she really did! I'm sure that would make her day! Thanks mom!!

Now on to Tias' blanket?? *wink*

[new baby: Surprise Delivery!!]

*written Sunday night - automatically posted for Monday morning JUST in case I'm busy doing other things, like having a baby ...*

Ok - so it's not me!! Not yet (while I'm typing this ... at least).

So tonight the boys are in the bath, and I'm getting their beds ready, laying out their pjs, closing the blinds etc ... and feeding the fish.

Siah has Tias' old fish, "Guido & Luigi" named from the CARS movie. And Tias has his beloved aquarium, and loves loves loves it. So, tonight I'm feeding the fish and notice something ... naw, it couldn't be?? So I look again ... must be a reflection? A ... what else could it be??



Nope - it was a BABY fish. A wee little orange and black fish, swimming under a fat mama fish (I'm guessing??) and slim papa fish. Ok ... I thought fish HATCHED from eggs?? Does this mean there are more?? If so, this fish has to be weeks old ... how did we miss it??

Whatever the case, it seems to me that the Lord had a super surprise for Tias. And how PERFECT in the timing with our own little one due in the next few weeks? Honestly - I actually laughed and shook my head.

God - You care so much about us, and know EXACTLY what's going on down here - don't You *smile*.

And what did Tias name him (or her)? "Baby Tiny Happy Fish". *grin*.

[new baby: Chewing Ice]

Ok ... so I wasn't going to post anything today - but just a moment ago I found something really interesting ... at least for me.

For the last week or so, I've been CRAVING crushed ice. I mean, to the point where I get a little perturbed if I can't have any. Strange, I know.

SO, after I got myself a healthy cup full of crushed ice to munch on, I googled "chewing ice". And you know what came up?? IRON deficiency!!

That is SUPER interesting, because I'm lightheaded and low energy ... craving ice and not eating a lot. I'm going to go take a prenatal vitamin (haven't done that in a couple of weeks ...) and see if the craving goes away.

Have any of you craved chewing ice during pregnancy??? I've never heard of such a thing *shaking head* ...

As for the progression of being 37 weeks ... last night I was woken up by low, groaning pains - that never amounted to much, except stealing my sleep. That's always the way it is, isn't it? When you're supposed to be storing up sleep, you get it taken away from you to prepare for AFTER the baby comes

Ah well ... not long now!

[new baby: 36wks7days Dr. Appointment]

I've just come home after a trip to Walmart. Why? Oh, because it suddenly HIT me that I'm going to have a baby *blush* - and am not all that ready for it!I bought newborn diapers, Oval, Vitamin D drops and a few other things that I new have expired since I needed them for Josiah.

Then, I went and got myself a pair of pajamas for the hospital ... I wouldn't be caught DEAD wearing the t-shirt and shorts I've been wearing these last few weeks *blush*. So - they're now in the wash, getting a lovely dose of "clean" ...

I'll be starting to get my hospital bag ready ... mainly because my doctor told me today to be prepared for a quick delivery. That was said after I voiced my concerns about a long labour and having high expectations after Josiah's 3 hour-start-to-finish-delivery.

Now, OBVIOUSLY no one knows what I'm in for. When this baby comes or how long the delivery will be, is up to the Lord. Nothing I can do can change that ... but I'd rather be prepared JUST in case it is early and quick ...

I was NOT prepared for our first born at 36 weeks, and my hubby and friends actually went out and bought the rocking chair and everything else while I stayed at home, taking care of the new wee one. SO - don't want that to happen again ...

Anyway - I had thought the baby had "dropped", but apparently isn't QUITE there yet. It's head is down, and had dropped a bit, but isn't lodged in that way it will be ... "When you waddle, you'll know," my doctor said. Such a man *grin*.

Ok ... so off to sew some curtains, get the boys ready for a dinner at my folk's place before my dad heads off to Russia for a couple of weeks ... then, the stair railings come DOWN tonight *WHOOO HOOO!!!* and the new ones are being put up tomorrow.

Must run ... much to do!

[new baby: It's A .... ]

So many of you know what it's like when someone says, "SOOO - you have 2 boys, betchyour hopin' for a little girl!!"

I always smile, because the truth is - is that the majority of moms really don't care about gender. SURE - if I have 3 boys, I'm certain there'll be a day where I think that it would've been really great to have a daughter ...

But then, that brings me back to Shalom *smile*. See? It's a tricky one. My friends know I have a daughter in Heaven, but the dear lady in the supermarket doesn't ... "Oh sweetie - two boys - hopefully you'll have a little girl, right?" And I debate as to whether to smile and tell her that Jesus is watching over our little girl ... or whether to just play along - truth is, is she's right: I have 2 little boys. Plus, I'm always worried to make people feel awkward about the loss of our daughter ...

Or the other one sentence I get a lot of: "I thought you wanted 4 kids ...". There, again, I go back to Shalom. And maybe that's really weird for people ... but I consider her one of our "four". That whole experience was just so ... different. And because she was named, and buried with a proper grave marking ... it just makes her all the more one-of-the-four for me ... And had she survived - we probably would be on our 4th instead of our 3rd ...

SO ... *grin* - here's the truth: I'll be sad if I don't get to use our little girl's name that we've chosen. BUT I'll be equally sad if we don't get to use the boy's name either *laughing*. Having another boy would be SO convenient ... having a girl would be so special. Having a boy would complete our family to perfection ... but if we don't have a little girl, I'm sure there'll be things I'll be sad about as time goes by .... and I wonder if I'll mourn Shalom in a greater way if I never have the chance to put pigtails on my little girl ... maybe not?

BUT, whatever the case - we are DONE after this. No more. KAPUT.

And we'll have our four *smile*. Mattias, Shalom, Josiah and .... *drumroll* ... we shall see *wink*!!

[new baby: Ten Things I Won't Miss About Being Pregnant]

Man. I am so at the end of this journey ... every day brings me a day closer to meeting our new little one, and our lives being turned upside down yet again.

I'm not really one of those people who particularly enjoys being pregnant. Maybe it's because I'm only 5ft tall and I feel like my body is completely overtaken by the growing babe, but whatever the case - this is our last one and I'm trying to enjoy it. Now that the baby is bigger, there's less of the direct kicking and more of the rolling and stretching ... which I think feels pretty cool. That is, unless it's in a spot that makes me feel like my skin's going to split open *grin*.

We just got home from my-side's Family Reunion yesterday. We've been doing this every few years, and it's always full of great fun and memories ... I'll post more of that later. For today, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off ... the lighting guy arrives today and I have my FINAL wedding to photograph today from 3pm - 8pm. Unfortunately, I think the baby dropped yesterday - so I'm asking the Lord for an extra dose of help today ... I'll post more on today's wedding later.

For now, here is a post I saved as a draft a few days ago. I hope it makes you smile *grin*. I started thinking about all the things I will not miss about being preggo ... here's my list:

10. food cravings - like vanilla frosties from Wendy's.
9. swollen gums, and the dreaded visit to the dentist during pregnancy where there's more blood than cleaning. Yuck.
8. loose joints that click and cause pins and needles to run down various parts of my body. This drives me mental and makes me feel like I'm about to have a stroke *smirk*.
7. panel pants that are supposed to feel comfortable, but actually make me feel claustrophobic and smothered.
6. long toenails because I can't reach them any more.
5. difficult attempts at shaving in the shower. There just isn't enough room to move.
4. heartburn that wakes me up every night despite my religious habits of taking Tums before I go to bed.
3. swollen feet and hands that make it painful to walk and impossible to make a fist. But I figure I'll be peeing a good 10lbs off of me after the baby's born *grin*.
2. speaking of peeing, I HATE peeing 3 times in the night ... and the massive effort it is to just heave myself out of bed.
1. having a back that hurts all the time, because of the front-heavy belly.

Is it worth it? Of course. But I would be lying if I didn't say that I was looking forward to getting on with it, getting my body back (I've been preggo 5 times in 5 years, and only had 3 months of having my body at a place I was happy with), and meeting this little gift God has given us.

I have 4 weeks left, according to my "dates". But if this baby comes like our first-born, this baby will arrive on Monday. Not good - Tias has his 5th birthday party on Tuesday ... I'll be posting on that later too *wink* ...

So ... after Tuesday - this baby can come. I don't care if the renos are done ... but that's another issue all together ...

If you haven't already - would love for you to vote on the sidebar ... boy or girl??

[new baby: The Bought Glow]

So, I have a confession.

Perhaps it IS a bit of "pregnancy glow", but it's probably my favourite blush by MAC Cosmetics. I found it a couple of years ago, and I find it gives the perfect amount of colour with lightly-sunned skin.

I've had compliments on my "glow" from friends and aquaintances ... and told them the same thing: it's bought *smile*.

The shade is called PEACHYKEEN .

LOVE it.

[new baby: Almost 34 Weeks]

WOW.

Well, in some ways I feel like I've been pregnant forever - and in others, I'm a wee bit nervous about being a "ticking time bomb" and waiting for labour to begin. People who say you forget the pain, are liars *wink*.

Our eldest son was born at 36.5 weeks, and our second born was born 10 days early. So, I'm hoping that this baby follows their big brothers and comes EARLY. Here's a pic of me at 33.5wks - I'm sooo swollen and stretched. I weep for my pre-preggo body *wink*. OH - if you haven't voted - check the right side of my blog and post your vote: girl or boy??

Our renos are NOT done ... waiting for the banister guy to finish his job so the carpet can come in, so the baseboards can be finished, so the painting guy can complete the details. I hate the "not quite finished" stage ... I just want to be DONE. I'm so wanting to post pics, but NOTHING's completely finished.

So - that leaves me with my thought for the day: patience. I sing that song to Tias often, "have patience, have patience, don't be in suuuuuch a hurry." But, again, I am reminding myself to BE patient, to enjoy - even the painful, swollen feet and hands - because I will never be in a place I am today, ever again.

It's easy to always look ahead and think, "Oh - I can't WAIT for this to happen" ... but the truth is, is that it's our every day life that we'll look back with fondness on. One day, I won't be making dinner for a 4yr old and 2 yr old. One day, I won't be changing diapers. One day, I won't have a big house to worry about. One day, the house will be quiet.

So - today I am going to make the MOST of it.

Hope you have a FANTASTIC day doing whatever it is that makes life worth while for you!!

[talk: The Bachelorette]

Ok ... so I actually watched last night's episode in "super quick" mode this morning ... so scared that I would hear the outcome before I watched it.

If you HAVEN'T watched it ... don't read on.

I am feeling like I need to sterilize my home after watching Wes and his low-life, slimeball ways. I guess every show needs a villian ... but seriously? What girlfriend would LET her man go on a show like this in the first place? And how he thinks this will HELP his career, I have no clue. A total scoundrel. Ick, ick, ick.

So - I found this. It's a supposed interview of the famous "Laurel" and her comments about her relationship with Wes. I don't know ... sounds like a life full of drama, lies and ick. Honestly - that poor girl is probably going to go dooooown with Wes. Anyone who chooses him, needs help.

And that limo ride, his words, his attitude, his arrogance ... if you want your dinner to come up just one more time, you can find it here.

What do I think? Well - for some reason, that Reid guy keeps earning more points for me. He seems really genuine, and I like his sense of humour and how he isn't afraid to call her on things, in a funny way. I'm a BIG Ed fan ... but this past episode, he seemed a little too reserved. Maybe it's in the editing ... but they sure did a lot of kissing. Guess that's a good sign? And Kipton? Nice guy ... didn't like the family-date thing though. His mom's a bit "off" for me. And he doesn't seem to be giving the answers that Jillian wanted to hear. Bad thing? Not necessarily ... honest enough, I think.

Are you waiting for Shawna's blog too?? This girl has a play-by-play of "The Bachelorette" every week ... but has been away, so I'm hoping she'll post something entertaining (as always) on her blog soon. You can find it here.

Ok ... off and away ... time to pick up Tias from Hockey Camp, pay the granite guy and the vanity-maker-dude. Hopefully the lighting guy shows up ... was supposed to be here at 9am. Now he's coming at 1pm. Such is the world of renos *grin* ....

OH!! And if you haven't voted on "boy" or "girl" in my blogpoll ... would love for you to take a moment and vote. This kind of thing always intrigues me ... *smile*

Have a great one!

[talk: I Have a Box ...]

I feel grateful for the box of memories I have. It's a small box ... but inside are treasures that I bring out once or twice a year - and just remember. I know that not every mom who has to say good-bye to their little one, has such a gift ...

There's a little casting of Shalom's feet. That is my most sacred possession. Whenever I feel like, "did that really happen? was she really here?", I go to my box and pull out the delicate little casting and stare.

There are other treasures too ...

I had my doctor's appointment yesterday - and confided in him that I had been having nightmares about having another anencephalic baby. I said, "I know that the ultrasounds have been fine, but I'm still really nervous ... is there anything you're not telling me?"

He smiled and assured me that as far as all of my testing went, everything was "normal". Now, he did add that there are things that cannot be shown on an ultrasound (which, of course, I know ...). And that is such a scary thing ... but I am continuing to trust in Him. He is the author of our lives ... He knows what He's doing, and there is safety and security in that ...

Lately, I have been so thankful for the crazy movements that happen at all hours of the day. They used to annoy me ... feel awkward. But I stopped and realized what I was complaining about ... the gift of life.

And after looking at my box, I know that the gift of life is the best gift that God could ever give.

[renos: Is That Light I SEE??]

Yes ... it's the light at the end of the tunnel ... pretty darn sure!

The hardwood on the mainfloor should be finished today (um - where IS he anyways??). And the shag carpet was installed in the front room and family room this morning. Now, just the baseboards need to be installed, the lighting in the kitchen and powderroom need to be finished, and some final trim put on the new fireplace ... then I think we're done this stage.

Next stage - well, we're waiting for the banisters to arrive. We couldn't install the carpet upstairs today because they couldn't guarantee that they would be able to line up the stairs with the hallway ... and we can't install the stairs carpet until the banisters are done.

Then, there's the powderroom. It's painted, but we're waiting for the vanity so we can install the countertop, sink, and faucet. Then the toilet can be put back ... sure am missing that mainfloor bathroom ... I hate going up and down the stairs every 20minutes *grin*.

Today I also went to my dr. appointment - and am now to be going every 2 weeks. WOW. That's a scary thought ... I do that a few times, and BLAMO. Baby time. *grin*.

Baby's heartbeat was 150 today ... whatever that means *grin*.

If you have a second, cast your vote on the right side of my blog ... seems to me that everyone's thinking "girl". Hmm ... we're not - so we shall see who's right *grin*!!

Have a good one!

[talk: Getting Pregnant ...]

I was going to post on another subject today, but I have found myself in the same conversation with 3 different women over the last two days. All of these women have a desire to get pregnant and are waiting patiently each month. I thought maybe, if one person could benefit from this, then it would be worth posting on my blog.

I know what it is like to desire a child, and have to wait for what felt like forever. And the truth is, is that I really didn't have to wait long. But my first 3 pregnancies all happened within the first two cycles of "trying" - so when this last pregnancy didn't happen right away, I decided to try everything in my power to get things going.

Now - my personal belief is that a child comes in His perfect timing. And that goes for our loss of Shalom ... and our joy of Josiah. There are bad things in this world, but God's desire is for the best for us ...

That being said, I am also a believer in doing all I can in walking through the "open door" He's given. What I mean, is that He's given us a mind to make choices, He's given many the gift of "medicine" and wisdom in taking care of our bodies and such. So, in that, we made a choice to be pro-active while still submitting to the fact that He is ultimately in control.

My husband and I knew we wanted a third child, but started feeling the pressure when it didn't happen as easily as the other previous pregnancies. We chose to use an ovulation kit, and in complete honesty, I got pregnant that very month.

I say that, because maybe someone reading this hasn't tried that route yet. I completely recognize that this is NOT a sure-thing, by any means ... we all know that there are many, many factors in getting pregnant. I just wanted to share with you, what worked for us.

I used the Clearblue Ovulation Tests. I didn't use the digital ones ... and I should say that I actually had to use two kits back-to-back because the first kit never registered me ovulating. Which meant, that I was completely wrong about when I was able to get pregnant. I found that fascinating, because I was so accurate the other times. Perhaps my miscarriage last year messed things up a bit. Whatever the case, once I knew when I could get pregnant - I did.

Maybe this will help you ... I hope it does. And I also found a wealth of information at the Clearblue site. It had many questions, including "Myths and Truths" about getting pregnant. If you're interested ... you can find it here.

For those who have tried for months, even years - I want you to know that my husband and I pray for you. We know that feeling of loss each month, the pain of losing a pregnancy, and the joy of having a "positive" on the stick. We also know what it is to worry about miscarriages and ultrasounds. We truly do pray for peace for those who have a different journey than us, whatever that looks like.

So - I hope that for even just one, that this post is helpful.

[talk & make: A Village, Not an Army]

Ok. So first off, I need your help.

I am preparing for my New Zealand/Australia trip and am having to plan for 14 meals while I'm gone. YIKES. I thought that I would put together a binder for the home, and whoever is here at the time, so that things like "dinner" still happen *smile*.

There are the basics, for example lasagna, but I'm wondering if YOU have any "one dish" meal recipes that can be frozen? I'm hoping for some variety - but also needing to let you know that my hubby doesn't eat fish (except tuna) and doesn't enjoy curry.

Would you be able to help me out? Please send any recipes to helptawn@hotmail.com ... many, many, MANY thanks!!

* * * * * * *

On another note, I am continuing to be reminded that "fear" and "faith" do not coincide together. It seems to be a reoccurring message that is smacking me in the head ... which is a good thing. Sometimes my first reaction is to play out the scenario to it's absolute worst ... and as I said in a previous post - possibly as a defence mechanism to help prevent disappointment and such. Whatever the case, I am now actively aware of this trait and am going to start exercising the muscle of "thanks, but no thanks" when fear rears it's ugly head. A hard muscle to use, for sure, but one that needs to be strengthened. I am thankful for family and friends who gently encourage and are discerning in their timing with such reminders.

Which brings me to my final thought - how we surround ourselves. Our village. The people we allow to speak into our lives. Recently, I purchased a book called "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyers. A friend has suggested it, after I found myself confused with contrary advice and comments from different people in my life.

Here's the thing. I believe strongly in being surrounded by like-minded people. People who can hold you accountable and have your best interest at heart. People who know what your ultimate goals are and keep you on the path to getting there. But I'm learning that maybe this should be a small, intimate group - rather than an army of voices. Not because there are only a few with noble character and such, but because it is impossible to be intimate and vulnerable with so many. And sometimes, advice and thoughts are given out without them knowing the entire situation. This is not their fault - but rather it is simply the result of the lack of knowledge of the circumstance and so on.

In my own life, I have mentors, friends - I have family, leadership in our church ... and all of these are good things. In fact, I have different people that I call on for different things in my life. I have life-long family and friends that I know I can be horribly vulnerable with, and they will validate and steer me in the right direction. I also have people who I call on who have wisdom in specific areas of life ... they are truly a gift as well.

But as I am walking out of a difficult circumstance with my hubby's injury and such, I realize that I simply cannot allow everyone's opinion into my heart. Again, not due to their poor character, but due to my own need to keep some things private and not giving them enough information to form a fair opinion.

On an absolute FINAL note *smile*, I would like to thank each and every one of you who commented on my post "Doom of the Change Room". I got some HILARIOUS reactions in my personal email, with women making light of their own situation. Some left comments who felt validated and were relieved that they weren't alone. And I received some responses who's ache I felt, as the walked their own journey of desiring a child. So many voices, so many different circumstances. Each one valid and beautiful in their own way.

Just as each one of us are.