[digiscrap: Iphone PIcs.]

Well ... I'm frustrated.  After 2 weeks of consistent running (3-4x a week), Jillian DVD's on opposite days ("No More Trouble Zones" is my absolute 40minute favourite and can be downloaded in ITunes), watching what and when I eat - drinking buckets of David's Tea green tea and water, adding digestive enzymes to my diet (yay for that, I've noticed such a difference) and ...

I'm up.

AGAIN.

I weighed 137.8lbs today and I just don't understand.  Perhaps I'm packing on muscle?  Is that really possible? Losing a pound of fat and gaining a pound in a week?  Pretty sure it's not, although I have no idea how long it takes to gain a pound of muscle. (I found THIS ARTICLE to try and find some answers). I definitely see the beginnings of springtime toning ... but still.  The ongoing battle continues ... how on earth I've gained 7lbs in two months .. and how I haven't been able to take an ounce off over the last two weeks, is nothing short of baffling to me.  I'm actually up in numbers after all of that?

Dang.  And I had felt pretty yesterday ... which proves that if I don't get on the scale, and my size 4 clothes fit, that's enough.  But I also know that my doctor wasn't happy with me at 132lbs this past summer.   Apparently, I should be, like, 118-125lbs for my height (ok - I actually find that amusing ... losing 20lbs?).   And the truth is, is that I feel like if I don't get my numbers down a bit - and as I continue to get older - I'm going to just keep packing on the pounds.  And eventually be a circle.  *grin*.  A circle.  That's kinda funny.

But it's frustrating, and I'm pretty sure most of you feel the same, because it always feels like I'm starting over from the very beginning.  Like all the work of last year means nothing ... and here I am back at the starting point.  I seem to find myself at this place too often.  It seems like it takes a month to lose 2lbs and a meal to gain it back ... 

Well.  There's always this week, right? *smile* A new day to try and get healthier and stronger.  And that's one thing that I'm always amazed at.  That If I didn't reach my goals yesterday, I can try and reach them today.  And if I miss the mark today, as long as God gives me breath, then I can try tomorrow.  The point is to never stop ... you don't ever "reach" your health goal without effort, even in maintenance (not that I've ever been at the maintenance stage). Being healthy, having my body function well and being strong,  it will be something that will be ongoing for the rest of my life.  Hmmmm.  Unless I give up and indulge myself into being content with not being those things.

I sure hope not.

Ok.  That's my Monday's weigh-in rant.  Beh.  NEXT week will be better *wink*.

Well ... let's see ... how about talking about PICS?  Oh - how I love pics.  But maybe you're not sure what to do with those hundreds of pics on your Iphone?  Well ... they can be loaded onto your computer, sorted, saved, burned and digiscrapped - just like any other image *grin*.  But you already knew that - right?

I have a few bazillion Iphone pics - but now they're somewhat sorted, some burned to disk, some deleted ... and most are awaiting their place in my digiscrap album. 

Well, here are a few that I've been working on as of late, using the only templates I ever use from my friend Yin at SimplyYin.  She is so incredibly generous with her freebies - and I buy her template packages all the time.  She has even showcased some of my pages on her site, like HERE and HERE.  Eek ... that's always exciting to me.  

These pages were from templates she designed specifically for IPhone pics ... brilliant.  Click the images to enlarge.

Have a great one!

[biggest loser: CalorieKing.]

It's a holiday today ... and here I am blogging *grin*.  

Last week was a good week ... I ran a lot - with running the seawall being a massive highlight - , have been so blessed with a lot of photography work (including a wedding on Saturday, another family shoot today, and a maternity one tomorrow ... phewf!) ... I led worship at our home church yesterday morning, and I so, so enjoy being a part of the music department there ...

The Canucks have been making us proud ... can't WAIT to go to the game tomorrow night on a date with my hubby ... 

And I'm up on the scale.  Like, not just a little bit ... I'm up almost 5lbs this week.  I weighed myself this morning (I have NOT been a slave to the scale as of late, but weighing myself once a week I think is fair ... ) ... and I was 136.2lbs.

What.The.Heck.

A friend said to me last night that I gained 5lbs of muscle with all the running I did *laughing*.  Sorry, MR, you're a good guy - but preeeeetty sure that's not possible.  Pretty sure that I just haven't stopped eating all week.  Working out so much makes me hungry.  Like, crazy hungry.  

At the wedding on Saturday, I met a girl who's a personal trainer.  When my shoot was over, I asked her about my running and the tire around my waist and she looked at me and cocked her head, "... oh, sweetie," she said.  "I'm sorry.  Belly fat ... it's all food."

Boo.

She went on to tell me that even though I'm working out 5x a week, I can't just eat whatever I want.  Well ... I can if I want to maintain ... and she also said that my weight-gain is most likely water retention from my *cough* cycle ... Wow.  She was bang on there.

She told me that if I was serious about getting lean, to cut sugar and count calories.  And do some math - I need carbs for my exercising, but I don't need as much as I probably think I do.  She talked about slow burning foods and eating every 2-3hrs.

I've heard bits and pieces of this - but then she suggested something called "Calorie King".  It's a website that offers a free trial and the option of downloading a $45.00 program to basically be your food/exercise journal.  It does all the math, plus it allows you to input special foods (like protein shakes etc ... ).

I'm thinking this will help me with what I'm actually eating.  You know - you munch on this and munch on that ... and you realllllly don't know what you're consuming.  At least, that's how it is for me.  So we shall see, we shall see ... 

After my photoshoot today, I came home and let my hubby head to the gym while I put on a 50 minute Jillian DVD with my boys (Katia was napping ...).  I love watching them trying to copy the squats and curls.  Got a good sweat on ... my arms are burning hours later.

So.  I'm ready for some BBQ hamburgers tonight ... I've been watching everything I've eaten today - and I got some room to enjoy a yummy supper, according to what I'm "allowed" to consume.

:-).

Organization always excites me ... 

Ok.  

Must go ... 

Have a great one!!

[talk: It Buds.]

Well.

Well, well, well, well *smile*.

It seems that yesterday's post struck a nerve with some of my readers.  I got more feedback than usual - with some friends choosing to FB me with bits of encouragement or tips on what helped them to lose those last few pounds, and a bunch of comments about giving my head a shake *grin*.  I accept them all ... 

Some readers viewed my post differently than I had intended it to be read - and I found it a little bit interesting that those who questioned some deep issues in my life, chose to write anonymously *smile*.  Fair enough ... it is not a requirement to state who you are (although I'm thinking I may change that if people are wishing to speak into my life ...).  And the truth is, for now, I accept all comments - whether I agree or disagree with them.  I know that anyone who takes the time to write, must feel passionate about their thoughts and I am very, very pleased for anyone to do so.  The mere fact that there were any comments after this post kinda stunned me ... my readers tend to be a little quiet *smile*.

It's all good - and that's why I put it out there in the first place.

But I found it interesting how people viewed my words.  Let's be honest - I was frustrated.  I'm a goal-oriented person.  I set my mind to something, and I find great pleasure in accomplishing it.  It's how I focused on getting three music degrees in piano performance and teaching, how I started running my own business, how I've pushed myself to run 15km.  I was brought up that way, it's in my blood ... It's a good thing, a bad thing, a positive thing, a negative thing.  

So - my words led others to write their own.  People's interpretation of my life, of how I view myself and the things in it ... it varied from person to person.  Although, I think that maybe having my self-esteem and worth in the Lord balance on a blogpost about a fairly unimportant goal I've had, is not really what I was going for here *smile* ... 

But fair enough to all of you ... and I want to apologize for disappointing you with my rant.  Truly.  And where I might see my humanness, my struggles, my honesty as perhaps allowing others to see me as "normal"  - it seems as though not everyone feels the same.  To have those who see me at church and in the  roles that I play there to think, "wait - she doesn't think she has it all together either" - perhaps that's not a terribly positive thought to others.  It's not my plan to be seen as one who has it all figured out ('cause I don't *grin*), but I certainly don't want portray someone who's a ridiculous mess either *smile*.  I'm really not.  I'm pretty normal that way ... 

The truth is, I think the point of my post was lost in translation - or so to speak.  It's really been all about the goal, as apposed to anything else.  


See, most days, I feel confident - I feel blessed to walk in grace.  I like who I am.  But when it came to this "deadline" of my birthday next week, and blah blah blah ... I found myself rooted in some sort of competition with ... myself.  I'm a motivated person, I want to do my best in all things - and this one ridiculous challenge I gave myself became too much pressure when I realized it just may not happen.  

So.  I read the comments some chose to write.  Over.  And over and over.

At first, some of them stung.  I closed my MAC and walked away ... "really??"  I thought.  But then - I decided to take a deep breath and reflect for a bit.  One "anonymous" person wrote, "So many people are struggling to be these perfect beings all because they are struggling internally with self-esteem. Maybe you need to reflect on your internal issues and ask the Lord to help you through them so you can truly find the peace and joy you are longing for... "

O.U.C.H.

But again ... I decided to stop and think about this for a while.  I asked the Lord, " ... what is going on here?  What is it that others are seeing that I don't?  Why am I feeling flogged over something so silly as to 2lbs??  Give me a teachable spirit ... ".

Boom.  It hit me ... or God nudged me, however you'd like to look at it *smile*.

Do you know what this is?  If you're someone who knows me, you'll know exactly what this is. It's my Shalom plant ... well, it's actually a Christmas cactus.  It was a dear gift from a friend, and every year since Shalom's death it has bloomed the week of her birthday, December 17, 2005.  It's like a beautiful little reminder that Heaven holds a special part of me.  However, it didn't bloom this past Christmas for some bizarre reason ... and it kinda made me wonder if it ever would again.

And here it is - with Shalom's actual due date quickly approaching in May, and what does this plant do?  It buds.  I told a friend on Friday, "I'm having a bit of a rough day ... my plant is budding."  Kind of a strange sentence.  Especially because I know the date is coming ... I don't need any reminders.

So ... when I stopped to reflect on your comments, and allow myself to listen and not be defensive - to ask God what this is all about - something came to my mind: control.  I like to be in control, it's how I function.  It's logical and it doesn't let me get hurt.

The situations in my life where I was rendered helpless, with no control over the outcome, are the ones that have hurt me the most.  And though there are many things that have cut me in my life, none compares to the out-of-control abyss I found myself in five years ago.   The feeling when we had to say goodbye to our little girl, and drive away from the hospital with my arms aching to hold her - there are no words.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but this whole experience feels like a reminder that I need to just let things go; like these last few pounds are frustrating because I can't control them the way I'd like to.  Maybe it's not even about the numbers themselves, but the fact that they seem to have a life of their own.  And this budding plant has reminded me that ultimately I'm not in control of anything.  Not when I belong to Him.  That although it is good to be purposeful and intentional, there needs to be room for God and His grace.  If there isn't room for Him, it just leads to disappointment.  Even when it comes to my body.

I think that if I let go, everything might just fall into place.  

So.  *smile*.

I'm hoping this all makes sense.  I am confident in my relationship with the Lord.  This has not been about that.  Nor has it been about me being a good or bad role model for whatever reason.  For me, this has been a reminder for me to refocus my own control issues and be ok with my failures - big or small.

This is all another reason why I love this blog ... yup - it can sometimes make me feel like I'm a little misunderstood.  I can feel judged or encouraged.  But I find that if I am honest and willing - that if I choose to not be defensive while still using discretion - God can use this blog the way I really want it to be used ... so thank you *smile*.

Again, I hope this all makes sense ... I'm a little nervous about the comments.

Have a good one *smile*.

[biggest loser: Why of Course.]

I ran fifteen kilometres yesterday.

To say that I was crazy excited, is an understatement.  That's 3km more than I have ever run in my life - and honestly - I could've gone another 1 or 2 more.  But I don't want to injure myself - that would devastate me - so I made sure that I didn't over do it.

I loved that run ... I gave it all I had.  I ran it in 1:33:13 with an average pace of 00:06:10 per km.  I felt like a machine.  And my legs burned for hours later - a true testament that I pushed myself harder than normal.  I killed it ... 

So, imagine my excitement to stand on the scale this morning.   And then imagine my face falling after seeing that I, in fact, gained a pound.

You know - when I did the biggest loser before having Katia, the numbers went down.  And now that I've taken up exercise, the numbers refuse to budge.  Or they go down for about a half hour before moving back up again.

I hate my scale.

I hate numbers.

And I'm giving my body a recovery break today - so no Jillian (plus I have a bazillion things to do that I should've gotten done yesterday ... beh.)  I may resort to drinking water with lemon and cutting off that limb I've been talking about.  And shaving my head ... that'll maybe make the numbers go down.  

I know that physically, I'm in the best shape of my life.  My cardio has never, ever been like this.  My legs and butt are showing divots where the muscles are outlined ... but that tire around my waist greets me every morning.  I really, really thought that cardio would burn that sucker off of me ... And yet - how insane is this - I would consider trading it all in to be 120lbs.  Ok ... even as I write that, I know that's just plain wrong.  

I'm so frustrated because being 129.9 is far from my actual goal - and yet even that seems unobtainable.  Especially with that birthday deadline I've placed over my head ... 9 days.  It was hard enough to lose 1lb in 14days, never mind 2.5lbs now in 9.

Ugggggh **yanking on my hair**.  So frustrated.

So.  Instead I am going through the house with a garbage bag ... the laundry room is being gutted (yet again, for like, the third time this year) and some of the kitchen cupboards ... the junk that's attached to the side of the fridge ... and just whatever else I can get my hands on.  My house will lose about 10lbs ... the 10lbs I wish I could.

  

You know ... I recognize my complaining about a few pounds.  I know what it sounds like.  I know that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I know that I am blessed.  But I also know that I'm working my butt off - and that's where the frustration comes from.  

Am I alone in this??  Anyone else trying to do everything right and then get socked in the stomach with rising numbers??  Anyone know what I'm doing wrong?  Anyone have hair clippers to help me shave off at least 1/2 a pound *grin*??

Have a great one ... 

Really.  

[biggest loser: Changing My Brain.]

I wish I could just change my brain.  Or at least how my brain works in regards to scale numbers.

For the last few weeks, I've been on a regular routine.  Running, Jillian DVDS, shakes for breakfast and lunch, small snacks in between, a sensible (oh.brother) dinner ... It's been working well for me.  But then - I started hearing people say that I need to change it up, that I'll get bored - possibly even allergic (whey protein, peanuts, almonds, eggs ...) if I keep this up.

UGH.

So frustrated about that, because I was JUST getting on a roll.  And surely I can't become allergic to something after just a few weeks?  My hubby's cousin became severely allergic to almost all of those things I just listed - but that was after yearrrrs of ingesting those foods regularly as a part of his workout regime.  So - I know it's possible ... but still??

And I'm trying to wrap my brain around giving myself a "break".  What's a break?? **laughing**.  I wish I could figure that one out too ... but what I ended up doing, was giving my body a break on Saturday and Sunday.  Partly because I was crazy, stupid busy with worship leading at a conference and at my home church - but partly because I just don't want to injure myself.  Not being able to run would devastate me at this point ... 

But here's the thing - as I type this in my full-on running gear, waiting for my morning's shake and cup of rooibos tea to settle before I venture out for a run - I find that as soon as I break my rhythm, I'm lost.  Yuck.

This is what I mean.  So on Saturday, I had eggs for breakfast instead of a shake, then a morning snack.  I had tuna and crackers for lunch, headed to the conference ... by the time I got home, tag teamed my hubby as he ran out the door, got my kids into bed, it was 8pm.  I didn't want to eat that late.  I had a peanut butter cookie.  (oh man ... as I type this - it sounds sooooo bad!!).  

Then on Sunday, I had a shake for breakfast as I ran out the door to be at the church by 8am.   I had a small baking square at the church cafe at about 10am ... then went out for lunch with some friends from the worship band ... had a grilled chicken sandwich with yam fries.  Didn't eat it all.  Went back to the church for an Easter practice from 3-5pm, headed to the Recovery service at 5:30pm, ate a cliff bar at 6pm - instead of the pizza the service offers.  Then we went to McD's afterwards with a group of friends and our kids, and I had a grilled chicken wrap.

And I weighed myself this morning and I'm freakin' UP.

See.  I need my brain to not care about numbers ... but how do you do that??  How do you make yourself unlearn something that is so ingrained?  Every girl knows what it is to "diet" and I know that's not what I'm doing.  But ... see ... ok - here's the truth.  I'm getting stressed because my bday is coming up and I PROMISED myself that I would be in the 120's by then.  That's two-and-a-half weeks away.    And on Saturday morning I was 130.8lbs (and jumping up and down for joy) and this morning I was 132.2lbs.

Oh. I so know that I'm gonna get ribbed for this one ... I can hear my friends telling me it was because I wasn't eating enough, or because I didn't drink enough water, or because a woman's body just fluctuates all the time throughout the month.   Yeah, yeah, yeah ... water retention or whatever ... call it what you want.  It doesn't change the numbers.  I now have 2.3lbs to lose on 2.5 weeks - as apposed to 1lb on Saturday *rolling my eyes*.

What am I going to do about it?

Run my little butt off today, along with either the P90X 15min ab workout or some light weights/pushups, drink a million gallons of water, try and stick to the "eating every three hours" that my friend has convinced me of ... I'll do my Jillian workout tomorrow ... and keep going from there.

Again ... this is really all about the goal of my birthday, and why I'm pushing myself so much.  And I'm not changing that *grin* ... for my bday, I'm heading for a weekend away with three girlfriends, where we'll be sunning and sleeping and laughing and learning and relaxing.

And I shall be 129.9lbs by then if it killllls me.  Even if it requires me shaving my head for that extra .2lb (laughing ... ok.  that's ridiculous, but that's how frustrated I am ... ).  

The end.

(grin)

This whole post was completely self-serving and totally uninspiring *grin*.  But - it helps me organize my thoughts, lets me see things in black and white and go from there.  So - if this was a bit of a waste of your time, *eek*, sorry.

  

Ok.  Off for my run ... 

Have a great one!!!

[biggest loser: I'm A Runner.]

The sun came out yesterday ... and my legs were itching for a run.  

As of late, I've been concentrating on improving my 5km.  I've always averaged around 00:34:00/00:35:00 minutes - and then as of late, I've been knocking down the time to around 00:32:00.  Taking off a couple of minutes is huge in running ... and I've felt like getting it to under 00:30:00 is a pretty much near-impossibility.

Then this week I ran it in 00:31:00 (even.  :00.  seriously).  I was soooo pleased with that.  A few seconds quicker and I'm running it within 30minutes.  That's a big feat for me and my little limbs ...

Yesterday I took a friend's advice and decided to run for time, rather than distance.  He suggested that I run for at least an hour - after hearing me complain about the tire that I feel is sitting on my waist.  He said that for the first 30minutes of a workout (with your heart-rate at a specific level), your body only burns sugar.  After the 30minutes, it begins to burn fat.  So - with me working on getting my 5km in under 30min, although great for cardio and my legs/butt (seriously.  can't believe the change ...), it's not burning the fat.

So, with his suggestion of an hour in mind, I stretched, set my Itunes to shuffle, and went for it.  And for those of you who have done any kind of workout for a consistent amount of time, you'll know what I'm saying when I say it's AMAZING how your body conforms.  It's like it WANTS to change, it's excited to.  It becomes so much more capable, efficient.  I mean, once I found my pace (I use an iphone app to watch that ...) I didn't even need to breathe out of my mouth.  It was actually ... easy.

I'm no longer doing 10 and 1s (running 10, walking 1) ... although if I up the distance to 15km or so, I will implement that I think.  It's in the Running Room Bible -  it's to allow time for muscles to recover ... 

As I approached 55minutes, I realized that I was almost at 10km.  Oh MY.  I was giddy - which is kind of a strange feeling when you're running - but I couldn't believe it.  My last 10km that I measured was 1:16:12.  And although I DID run 12km this past Saturday at 1:33:16 .... still.  My time was killing it ... 

So - with the thought that I could actually, maybe, possibly, do 10km in under an hour - I began to sprint ... and it was intense and easy all at the same time.  Euphoric.  I could've kept going ... I was actually a fair ways from our home but I decided to mark the 10km rather than just go for the hour for the sake of it ... my final time?  00:58:48.  And that was for 10.20km.  

I started crying.

Now, more than ever, I'm hungry for what I can push my body to do.  Yes, there is definitely a "runners high" that happens ... and I'm addicted.  I wake up in the morning, wondering if I'll get a chance to get my legs moving ... I wake up wondering how I can continue to change my body. It's a really, really insane thing.  Especially for me.

My only problem is that I'm so competitive, even with just myself.  I always want to do better ... and that's just not possible - I know.  I'm going to have days when I'm totally defeated and discouraged by the numbers ...  But as I was running and thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of golfers.  They can have an incredible round one day, and blow the whole thing the next day - just with one bad shot.  That kind of mental focus, to be able to regroup for the next round and just keep going - is what I want for myself.

A couple of nights ago I was waiting for some of the guys in the worship band to show up, and my girlfriend stopped by the church to deliver some Herbal Life (this is not a weight loss program, but rather a vitamin supplement program that promotes a healthier lifestyle.  But I have definitely seen a change since starting this ...).  I was talking to one of the guys about running, and as my friend was walking out of the room I said to the other guy, "... well, I'm not really a runner ... "  and she yelled from behind the wall, "YES YOU ARE!!  YOU RUN, YOU'RE A RUNNER."

I'm a runner.

Have a great one!! 

[redhandedphotography: Grandma Hannah & Granddaughter Adrienne.]

Thanks so much for all the lovely comments yesterday ... I actually found myself coming back and rereading my "You're Beautiful" post - trying to take my own words to heart.  I love when an idea for a post comes together - I had been thinking about it for weeks now - and then, with meeting Grandma Hannah - it just worked out to be perfect timing.

And I loved this photoshoot ...

You can see a million more photos, along with a little write-up, at my RedHanded Photography blog HERE.

On another front - my life has been busy.  Musically, busy - if that makes any sense.  I'm leading worship at our church's Recovery Service this Sunday night, leading at the Elevate Conference next Friday night and Saturday/night and then also leading again next Sunday morning at our church.  So - there'll also be a band practice Tuesday night for the conference, and a Thursday night practice for Sunday morning.  WOW.  It's either all or nothing, it seems *laughing* ... because after that - I'm not on until May.  

OH.  And ... the scale was nice to me this morning ... I know, I know, I shouldn't weigh myself.  But I do.  Every morning.  For me, it helps me be accountable.  And yes, it is also a discourager at times ... I know of people who say, "throw the scale away ... numbers don't matter."  Well.  I'm old school.  For me, it matters.  And the numbers on the measuring tape matter too.

So eventhough it's not a Monday morning weigh-in ... today's weight was:  131.4lbs - I was this a few weeks ago, but it's the lowest I've been (along with that date) - down 2lbs this week.  I'm so close to the 120's, I can taste it.  But here's the really exciting part for me ... my waist:  29.3".   I wish that I had blogged my numbers when I did the "Biggest Loser" before I had Katia.  I didn't, because it was a competition and I didn't want my competitors knowing how I was doing.  But I THINK that I'm actually almost pre-preggo-post-Biggest-Loser.  I know that I weighed in at 130lbs, but I don't know what my inches were.  I know that I'm stronger, and more fit  now than I was then.  

Yesterday I ran my 5km, taking off 25 seconds off from my last run ... tomorrow will be my long run - at least 8km - weather permitting.  Haven't done that in a few weeks ... it's time to not just worry about breaking 30min on my 5km (which, let's be honest, is practically an impossibility for me considering I'm huffing it at 32:23).  And today?  Jillian's Shred level 3.  It has me in the plank stage for almost half of it ... but I think that it's tightening up all the loose stuff on me :-).

What else?

I've got a lot of projects that I'm still working on ... for those of you who think I've forgotten - I have not.  The book of collective stories about the experience of losing a child is still in the works.  I need to email all of you who have contributed to let you know that ... so sorry that I haven't.  But it's being worked on - it's just taking longer than I had thought.  I'll post more on that soon.  

I've also almost completed all of the digiscrapping from the family cruise that I went on this past August with the 26 of us.  It's been so fun reliving it all, remembering funny stories - and choosing which of the bazillion images are going to go into the digiscrap album.  As of last night, I've done over 30+pages.  And I have about eight more to go ... my mom will be happy to read that *grin*.  She loves getting her own printed copy of my digialbums.  Soon, mom ... soon!

Then there's RHP ... I'm meeting with another wedding client today.  Oh - and there's a birthday party tonight that I'm looking forward to.  Um, what else ... well, I haven't been songwriting in the last couple of weeks.  I was working on before going away and I like what it's sounding like so much that I'm scared to write lyrics and mess it up ... for me, once I have lyrics, it's hard to change it ... and I want it to be perfect (fat chance).  

Hmmm.  I guess that's it?

Wow.  What mish-mash post. 

I liked yesterday's better.

Ah well.

Have a great one!!  And don't forget to visit my RedHanded Photography blog ... and leave a comment if you do.  Would love to hear from you *wink*.

Have a great one!

[make: Eggless Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. And A Rant.]

So.  I wrote some of this last night, and now I'm editing this morning ... I'm sitting in a quiet house for the first time in three weeks.  The boys are off to school and Katia is singing to her "baby" ... I'm in my workout gear (Jillian, you have permission to beat me into submission in a few ...) and I'm having my morning shake.  It's a meal replacement shake that I've added frozen strawberries, pineapple and peaches too.  Then I've added 2tbsp of ground flaxseed and 2tsp of 3-6-9 oil blend.  I been having these shakes for the last 3 weeks or so and I love them. 
Plus, I've been running.  Yesterday's 5km was done without 10/1's (I ran straight, with no breaks) and I did it in under 33min.  Barely.  But I'm proud of that ... I'm not just a wanna-be runner anymore.  I am a runner.  I love it.

And yet ... the scale was up this morning.  133.4lbs.  UP, I said.   Ughhhhh.

It's so freakin' discouraging.  Will I ever be 124lb again?  Heck - will I ever be IN the 120's??  I'm guessing I'm getting stronger, my clothes are fitting well - so that's a sign that things are getting tighter.  But still.  

It's funny - because friends have been noticing a physical change ... I had a friend comment this past Sunday morning.  She hadn't seen me in a while and gave me a lovely compliment - and asked how much weight I'd lost.  And I knew that I had actually gained a bit over the last 2 weeks ... and if I look back at my posts here - the difference since Sept 2010 is only a couple of pounds.  That's it.  In fact - it's been less than 10lbs in a whole YEAR, if I check a post I wrote in March of 2010.

So.  I get frustrated when people say, "You've had four babies," or "You're body's not the same as when you were in your 20's," or whatever.  I feel like NOW is the time.  This is it.  If I don't get myself to where I want to be, it'll never happen.  I'm going to be thirty-shhmmmsffff (hand covering mouth) in a few weeks.  I want to be the strongest, the healthiest, the loveliest that I can be.  I don't want excuses.  

I get frustrated when people have reached their goal and I'm feeling like I'm standing still.

My biggest source of contention is the tire that sits on my waist.  I have NEVER, in my life, had a flat tummy.  It's where I've always carried my weight.  Oh.  That and my arms.  I can never wear shirts that are made for skinny-armed people.  Mine are ... guns *grin*.  Minus the rips.  

I remember seeing girls with tiny waists when I was a teenager and in my early twenties.  Girls in bikinis with hips and a bellyring.  Ok.  And they had long legs too *grin*.  That was NOT me.  I had to try and find my waist *grin*.  Bikinis are a curse ... and I actually own a few.  But ... ugh.  Whatever.  And now - a bunch of pregnancies later, that stretched skin with the added "padding" just won't go away.  Or should I say - it hasn't as of yet.

I'm all for my medals ... the odd stretch mark (I was really blessed to not have any with my pregnancies) ... but this tummy just HAS to go.  I'm guess that cardio and time will do it?  I mean, if I'm working at it - it can't stay forever.  Can it??  I know that I know that I know I have at least 7-10lbs to lose.  Heck, according to the doctor's "height/weight" chart I'm supposed to be between 105-118lbs.  Good-freakin-grief.  That's more than 20lbs??  I haven't weighed 105lb's since elementary school.  So, I'm hoping that if I can lose that 7-10lbs that I know I should, at least 4 or 5lbs of it will be from my gut.  Please and thank you.

Phewf.

Thank you for letting me rant. The tire's still there, but I WILL do my Jillian DVD right after I finish this ... 

Ok ... the next part of this post was written last night *grin*.  Ice cream.  Ok Ok Ok ... I know.  Ice cream and weight loss don't go together ... I hear you.

But I just had to post on this.  It seems as though my home-made-ice-creaming-blogs have changed a few homes from processed, expensive,  store-bought ice cream to make-their-own ... I LOVE that.  And now here's another ice cream addition for your repertoire ... 

* * * * * 

If you know anything about ice cream - you can make it with or without eggs.  With eggs - it's got a much better texture and custard-like smoothness.  It has a richer, fuller, thicker taste.  Oh boy.  Doesn't that sound good??

I rarely make it with eggs, though.  First off - time.  Making ice cream with eggs requires time, and more than just that, it requires me KNOWING that I'm going to be making ice cream.  See, with eggs, you've gotta create a warm milk base to cook the eggs in ... blah blah blah.  Then it has to cool down before placing it in the machine ... you get the idea.  Yummy - yes.  Time consuming - yes.

The other thing about eggs in ice cream is the extra calories and cholesterol.   Boo on that.  So - when I make ice cream after dinner, it's usually just milk/sugar/vanilla.  That's it.  Not as rich, but still satisfying. 

Why the speech on eggs?  Well.  As you have just read, they need to be cooked before consumed.  So - when coming up with a Cookie Dough Ice Cream recipe (Tias LOVES cookie dough ice cream at ColdStone and I wanted to surprise him one night with my own version) - I wasn't sure how to do that??  I mean - cookie dough has EGGS in it.

Or does it?? *wink*.

Lookie what I found ... an eggless cookie dough recipe that you FREEZE in little balls or whatever, ready for your ice cream maker when you're ready to make it!!  That is, if you don't eat it all first ... 

Are you as excited about this as I am?

Hmm.

Didn't see any jumping up and down.  I'm sorely disappointed.

*wink*.

Eggless Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough for Ice Cream
5tbsp brown sugar 
6tbsp sugar
4tbsp butter, softened
1tsp vanilla
3tbsp whole milk
1 cup flour 
1/2tsp salt
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

This is enough to make 24 small melon ball size of chunks that can be put in the freezer. When ready to add to icecream, you can cut each ball into quarters.

I made this - and can attest to how FANTASTIC it is.  I currently have a little tupperware container with dough-balls in it for the next time I make icecream.  Tias is gonna DIE.  I'll be his favourite mommy forever *grin*.  

It's a true treat ... and hey - if you just like to EAT cookie dough, this is a safe version.  Although - flour, sugar, butter ... you may need to up your cardio *wink*.  I know that I won't be able to have this in my freezer without a nibble here and there.  So treat it as a special treat ... if you want.

Enjoy - and let me know if you give this a try :-).

Have a great one!!

[running: Trail Blazing.]

So .., I'm still away.  The sun is glorious, the family time has been incredible - the shopping not half bad either *wink* - and running ... well - I've run close to every day since I've been here.

That's kind of a strange thing ... but with such incredible weather, it's all I want to do first thing in the morning.  When I'm at home, the rain and cold can defeat me.  Here ... outside beckons me.

I've been running 5km mostly ... so no really looong runs.  And I've been switching runners with my new Nike Airs - and doing what they recommend ... short runs in those for now.  But today ... today was different.

We're here with some friends ... and it's almost comical how much my hubby is like my friend, and how much her hubby is like me.  NR's hubby is a runner too ... and he's 6.2" tall with long legs.   I'm not 6.2". Close, but not quite *wink*.   I've never run with him.  He could jog to my sprint, probably ... I haven't tried.  

ANYways, JR wanted to check out some of the terrain around where we're staying.  "Sure," I said.  And we headed out this morning and found the perfect spot.  I brought my IPhone to document the time/distance ... and to take pics *grin*.

Oh, come on ... you KNEW I would!

The trial started out going up.  My calves were burning within minutes.  Then, we had to climb over shale rock.  

"Um.  JR,"  I said.  "This isn't a run.  This is a hike ... "

"I know!!! Isn't it GREAT???"  he smiled.

Ugh.

We could see the church below ... we had parked in the parking lot.  A pretty famous church.  Ever heard of Tommy Barnett?   Yeah.  His church ... seats 4500.  But I'll get to that later ... 

When we got to the first peak - it was incredible.  But we were far from done.  "Let's head over there," he said.

Um.  OK ... gimme a sec.  I'm taking a pic ... 

I've never done trail running.  And again - it really wasn't RUNNING.  My heart was pounding, though.  My legs were burning ... all while holding my IPhone.

So silly. 

I will say, that part of the reason I was behind JR was because I really was busy snapping pics *grin*.  How could I not?  ... and I think that I caught a pretty cool shot of him at the other peak ... 

And then he snapped a few of me ...

 

So.  That was our warm up.  The next plan was to head down - without spraining an ankle or sliding down on my butt - and then take some trails around ...

So this is where the running happened.  And it was really, really awesome.  I loved it ... no music playing, just being aware of the outdoors, enjoying the heat, concentrating on my footing ... exploring a place I'd never been before.

Without sounding hyper-dramatic, it truly felt great to be alive. 

And we headed back to the church to the parking lot ... we sprinted - full tilt - to the front of the church, stretched and I checked our stats on my running app.  We had gone 2.56km and over 150meters in elevation.  Our time was weak - a lot of chatting and pic taking - so it was about 35minutes.

After we cooled down a bit, we headed into the church.  And we happened to get let in by a nice lady who had seen us sprint in the parking lot - and as we entered, we realized we were on the stage.  4500 seats, three levels and balconies ... and the lady said, "would you like me to turn on a few lights?"

Um.  Yes??

Lights came on.  We stood there, sweaty and gross ... on Tommy Barrnett's stage.

How awesome is that? *GRIN*

So ... that's my story of my first trail run.  And I really, really liked it.  I'm sore now, but want to do it again tomorrow ... we're heading home on Friday.  Not much time left, and I'm a little sad that we didn't do this earlier ... 

Now ... to find a friend to trail run with back at home?  

Have a great one :-)!!!

[digiscrap: Lotsa Pages ... and Some Venting.]

Last night I headed to HandM with my friend.  

We're away right now, in sunny Phoenix, and I had a goal to be a certain "number" by the time I was down here.  I hate it when I think I'm slimmer than I am, go and pick out some cute things to try on, only to be completed gutted that nothing does up.  Seriously ... and don't just say, "get a bigger size" because that, in itself, is enough to make a grown woman cry.  Can I hear an "amen"??

So - this morning I ran my 5km, had a shake for breakfast and now intend on swimming and sunning the day away with my kiddies while snacking on almonds and blueberries.   If I don't get my body back soon, I just may eat my way to happiness.  Which will make me very unhappy.  You know how it goes ... 

And I'm trying to decide WHY one day I can feel super lovely, and then next - like a heifer.  Who decides this??  The mirror?  The scale?  My clothes??  I hate it ... in heaven my image of myself will be healthy and I will be happy.  

Enough of that.

So.  I am trying REALLY hard to get all the pics from 2009/2010 off of my computer.  They're all backed up - I just need to digiscrap them.  Last night, 6pages done.  I have about a million to go - BUT I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Deleting files of images makes me so happy.  It's like purging for the computer *grin* .... 

Double click the images to enlarge.

And you know the routine ... have a great one!!

[talk: At the Core of Who I Am.]

Yesterday, I got to be a part of something great - something that hits me so deep that I cannot explain it.  I know I say it often, but I guess my repetition just lets me know just how important it is to me ... 

Worship.

It had snowed through the night, made me a bit nervous about whether the band would all get there - but they did.  And it really, truly, rocked my world.

I've been leading worship since I was barely a teenager ... a lifetime ago :-).  And every now and then I get a really overwhelming emotion of gratefulness that someway, somehow, I was chosen for this.  Even 20 years later ... leading, watching, participating, encouraging ... in that moment, in those moments, the rest of the world falls away.

It was interesting because this past weekend I had some pretty intense conversations about my faith.  Truthfully, I don't really like debating about it - but I'm not afraid to.  And I'm not afraid to get stuck in a corner of defending absolutes and just shrugging my shoulders.

See - yesterday morning, having an intimate experience with God in worship, makes every argument and debate fly out the window for me.  Unless you've experienced God's love and His grace - there's no point.  You can argue about emotionalism, manipulation ... you can reason with science and facts.  You can think you've won ... but at the core of who I am, is my faith.  You cannot persuade me, you cannot move me.

So for me, yesterday's service was more than just a worship service.  It was more than seeing other believers encouraging others ... it was more than being a part of incredible music or me giving it my all - it was simply yet another confirmation of who I am and who God is.

I don't know where God is taking me in all of this.   Sometimes I panic about time.  Awe, who am I kidding - I panic about time all the time.  I hear the clock ticking inside my head.  I feel the urgency inside to get going, to make it happen (whatever that is).  I'm continuing to try and figure out how to walk through open doors and what that looks like - and I'm also realizing that I'm already doing that, to some extent.

I've been planting a few idea "seeds" with a friend on the East Coast of America.  I have no clue what it looks like, but I'm believing that the connection there is for a real purpose.  I'm believing that I'll visit Virginia/Washington DC sometime this year and be amazed at how God has been putting all the pieces together.

Again.   No clue what it all looks like ... big dreams don't look the same for everyone.  My big dreams doesn't have to mean big numbers.  But God's plan for me is BIG - whatever it is.  It's His plan.  It can't be small. I can't judge it with human eyes ... touching one life is BIG.

So.

That's what's on my heart and mind today ... confirmation in who I am, stronger belief in who He is, and trying to walk the path that He's leading me on.

And hey ... on a COMPLETE side note (I'm good for that ...) the scale has been surprising me.  131.4lbs.  I'm hoping to be in the 120's (even 129.9 *grin*) by the time we leave next week to our spring break destination ...   Man.  I am only 1lb away from being the LOWEST I've been since I had kiddies ... the weight I was when I finished our "biggest loser" competition.

But I'm not done ... I want to lose some more, tone it up, have the body that makes me feel strong and healthy.  The body that makes me not worry about "if" I can fit into something and where the summer swimsuit season doesn't make me hyperventilate ...

But for this week ... 1.5lbs is ALL I need :-).  Today ... I shall run.

Have a great one.

Really.

A GREAT one.

[talk: Fester Schmester]

This has been such a strange week for me.  My brain has been full of ideas and thoughts - and blogposts - and then ... nothing.

Writing, for me, is so so needed.  I've written dozens and dozens of journals - in really great times, and really, really hard ones.  It was a way for me to process things, to remember things.  I love reading them now and seeing how I felt about things and how I feel now about them.  But now - I don't journal so much.  I blog.  But even then - I don't spill my innards out into the blogging world ... and I don't spill them out onto paper either.  My mom used to say to me, "Be careful what you write ... you don't want to get hit by a car and have someone find what you've written and you aren't there to explain it."  Morbid, but wise *grin*.

I don't like things festering in my mind or soul ... and writing is one way that I can put it out there, re-read it and get some perspective.

My hubby's been gone all week ... and although I am a pretty independent person, it has actually been quite lonely.  I'm kinda craving a hug ... I haven't been "held" all week.  And I'm actually kinda surprised by that, because I know many wives who have husbands who leave for weeks on business, or are on shift work and they are like ships in the night passing by.  I don't know how they do it.  My hubby is more of a 9-5 guy - so his absence in our home is so noticeable.  Not having someone to "debrief" with at the end of the day ... it's been a bit sad.  And no hugs ...  gee - I think I'm really a huggy person *grin*.

My hubby comes home on Sunday ... and these next two days might have been the hardest and loneliest, but instead I'm heading to a Woman's Retreat.  I'm one of the worship leaders for it - so I should've known this would be a hard week, just because of that *smile*.

I say that, not to give credit to the Enemy - or to speak defeat over myself - but looking over these last few days I can see how time has been spent elsewhere instead of where it could've been.  I had plans for the "free" nights that I had with my hubby gone - songwriting, digiscrapping, watching a movie or two.  But instead, I was drained by the end of the day.  So thank goodness for His mercies that are new every morning ... I am looking so forward to some balance in my mind and being vulnerable with the Holy Spirit this weekend.  This time away is perfect timing for me ... 

I think 2011 is going to be a big year for me ... January has been full of so many crazy emotions, new ideas and possibilities, big dreams and big defeats ...  that it actually makes me excited for what God has planned for me.  I have a few questions I want to set time aside for this weekend to have Him to answer.  "Why did such-and-such happen?", "When will this and that happen?", "Where were You when I needed You for this?" ...  "Thank you for helping me with this ...".  You know what I mean?

And can I just debrief about this weather for a moment??  It just sucks the life out of me ... grey, grey, grey.  I actually think it triggers something in me ... I'm a very sentimental person.  I hear a song, and I get thrown right back into the moment.  I'll be walking by the perfume counter in a mall, and smell something that puts me at a different place immediately.  Or I'll drive by a house that I once knew well and feel like I'm 15 again.  I truly cannot control it.  It just happens.  And I think that's what the greyness, raininess of January does to me.  Shalom's funeral was a grey, January day.  It's when I miss her the most.

*sigh*.  Ok.  Let's change this up a bit ... 

On a COMPLETELY different note - I am down 4.5lbs this week.  I took sweets/dessert out of my diet and I cannot believe what the scale is telling me.  Ok.  So I did run one 5km and did the Shred workout twice ... but still.  It just proves that sugar is my enemy.  Now - that's not to say I'm at my goal ... I was up after New Years, so I'm now point5lbs from my lowest since having Katia.  But.  That's still  7lbs until wedding weight.  I have to be in a bathingsuit this weekend at the Women's Retreat ... all pastey and stuff - but I guess we all will be *wink*.

This summer - I want to be in the best shape of my life (I kinda already am, which really isn't saying much *laughing*).  Ok. This summer - I want to run a half marathon.  

Oh.boy.  Sounds like an impossibility ... 

* * * *

My hubby just Skyped me ... that.felt.lovely.

Have a great one!