[talk: More Than I Thought ...]

You've heard me talk about this whole "fear vs. faith" thing over the last number of weeks - and as I continue to try and walk through these issues, I am realizing that I have more fear in my life than I had thought.

Fear, worry, whatever you want to call it.

I fear too many things - things that I cannot control. Which is SUCH a waste of energy, but I'm trying to call it like it is, and deal with it in such a way that I can have a positive outlook - as apposed to the silent doom I feel sometimes.

What do I fear? Oh - the list is ridiculous. I fear earthquakes ... being trapped, being separated from family, losing communication with loved ones, not being able to save my kids from being hurt ... see? Tiresome, pointless fear.

I fear flying. Another thing I cannot control ... and something that pretty much gives me anxiety every night when I think of flying to Sydney on Sunday. What am I so afraid of? Oh, just the basic plummeting in a fiery inferno with that insane dropping feeling ... *laughing*. Oooo - just writing this out seems to be making me smile ...

I fear losing our children to sickness or accident. I fear being alone. I fear being judged. I fear not living up to other's expectations. I fear, I fear, I fear.

And in looking at all of these things carefully, I think that a lot of it boils down to fearing death. Now THAT'S a strange thing for me to say - one who has grown up in Faith and something that I KNOW to be true - the reality of Christ. But it seems to me that somehow, somewhere I have let these thoughts fester and take hold of the silent part of me.

So why put it out there for the world to see? Because I feel it's a tangible way for me to say, "Enough." This whole concept of faith being unable to coincide with fear has been such a wake up call for me. And the truth in that both fear and faith deal with the future - something I definitely cannot control.

So why fear the future? Jeremiah 29:11 is plastered on our basement wall. It says, "For I know the plans I have for you. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." What powerful words ...

And perhaps we can look at different situations and say, "How can THIS situation be best for me?" or "How can I not fear when You've let me down?" or "It's hard to trust when so many bad things happen in this world." The Truth is still the Truth.

So that is what I am standing on and choosing today, and tomorrow and the day after that. I will not fear about the health of our unborn child. I will not fear this Swine Flu and the illnesses of my children or husband. I will not fear a declining recession. I will not fear because He knows my first and my last days - I will not leave His hand and there is such an incredible peace and confidence that happens when you surrender to that. He is ultimately in control of my future - whatever that looks like.

Hmmm. I think I've said that before ... but I'm finding that I need to remind myself often *smile*.