This has been such a strange week for me. My brain has been full of ideas and thoughts - and blogposts - and then ... nothing.
Writing, for me, is so so needed. I've written dozens and dozens of journals - in really great times, and really, really hard ones. It was a way for me to process things, to remember things. I love reading them now and seeing how I felt about things and how I feel now about them. But now - I don't journal so much. I blog. But even then - I don't spill my innards out into the blogging world ... and I don't spill them out onto paper either. My mom used to say to me, "Be careful what you write ... you don't want to get hit by a car and have someone find what you've written and you aren't there to explain it." Morbid, but wise *grin*.
I don't like things festering in my mind or soul ... and writing is one way that I can put it out there, re-read it and get some perspective.
My hubby's been gone all week ... and although I am a pretty independent person, it has actually been quite lonely. I'm kinda craving a hug ... I haven't been "held" all week. And I'm actually kinda surprised by that, because I know many wives who have husbands who leave for weeks on business, or are on shift work and they are like ships in the night passing by. I don't know how they do it. My hubby is more of a 9-5 guy - so his absence in our home is so noticeable. Not having someone to "debrief" with at the end of the day ... it's been a bit sad. And no hugs ... gee - I think I'm really a huggy person *grin*.
My hubby comes home on Sunday ... and these next two days might have been the hardest and loneliest, but instead I'm heading to a Woman's Retreat. I'm one of the worship leaders for it - so I should've known this would be a hard week, just because of that *smile*.
I say that, not to give credit to the Enemy - or to speak defeat over myself - but looking over these last few days I can see how time has been spent elsewhere instead of where it could've been. I had plans for the "free" nights that I had with my hubby gone - songwriting, digiscrapping, watching a movie or two. But instead, I was drained by the end of the day. So thank goodness for His mercies that are new every morning ... I am looking so forward to some balance in my mind and being vulnerable with the Holy Spirit this weekend. This time away is perfect timing for me ...
I think 2011 is going to be a big year for me ... January has been full of so many crazy emotions, new ideas and possibilities, big dreams and big defeats ... that it actually makes me excited for what God has planned for me. I have a few questions I want to set time aside for this weekend to have Him to answer. "Why did such-and-such happen?", "When will this and that happen?", "Where were You when I needed You for this?" ... "Thank you for helping me with this ...". You know what I mean?
And can I just debrief about this weather for a moment?? It just sucks the life out of me ... grey, grey, grey. I actually think it triggers something in me ... I'm a very sentimental person. I hear a song, and I get thrown right back into the moment. I'll be walking by the perfume counter in a mall, and smell something that puts me at a different place immediately. Or I'll drive by a house that I once knew well and feel like I'm 15 again. I truly cannot control it. It just happens. And I think that's what the greyness, raininess of January does to me. Shalom's funeral was a grey, January day. It's when I miss her the most.
*sigh*. Ok. Let's change this up a bit ...
On a COMPLETELY different note - I am down 4.5lbs this week. I took sweets/dessert out of my diet and I cannot believe what the scale is telling me. Ok. So I did run one 5km and did the Shred workout twice ... but still. It just proves that sugar is my enemy. Now - that's not to say I'm at my goal ... I was up after New Years, so I'm now point5lbs from my lowest since having Katia. But. That's still 7lbs until wedding weight. I have to be in a bathingsuit this weekend at the Women's Retreat ... all pastey and stuff - but I guess we all will be *wink*.
This summer - I want to be in the best shape of my life (I kinda already am, which really isn't saying much *laughing*). Ok. This summer - I want to run a half marathon.
Oh.boy. Sounds like an impossibility ...
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My hubby just Skyped me ... that.felt.lovely.
Have a great one!