Has another year gone by? Another year full of wonderful blessings and accomplishments?
Yes - I s'pose it has.
But on this day, I stop. For today marks the anniversary of our loss. It was 3 years ago today where we had to say goodbye to Shalom Hope, and I find myself feeling like it was a lifetime ago.
I woke up this morning, nervous as to how I would feel. But I opened my eyes, looked around the room, and thought, "Hmmm. I think I'm ok. I think I feel just fine." Which is a strange, almost guilty way to feel. Because just a few days ago I couldn't even think of her without have a wet face. But today - well - the ache is just a dull one.
I continue to try and find balance with this whole thing. I had a friend this week feel that she needed to apologise for a comment regarding children (*smile* when she needn't) - not wanting me to think that she didn't validate the whole Shalom experience.
I told her that it happens to me on a weekly basis. Someone says, "Oh - you have just the two boys?". Um. No? Yes? Do I want to get into it with a stranger? If I say, "No, we lost our daughter 3 years ago," it just makes the person feel horrible. And if I say, "Yes, we have just the two," I feel this pang of remorse for not taking the opportunity to talk about her.
"Two boys, huh? So are you going to try for a girl?" Um. No? Yes? Am I supposed to say, "We already have a girl." Or do I say, "Fingers crossed ..." with some Cheshire grin??
"Oh, I so understand, I miscarried at 6 weeks." And this one is the hardest. Because I, too, have
miscarried and it is just as heartbreaking of a loss - of course. But the path of Shalom was such a lonely one - to have to choose. I still don't know of anyone with as unique as our own circumstances.
Last night, Lu and I talked for just a moment about it being December 17th. And he said, "Josiah is just the light of my life. I would walk it all again to have him here. It's all good." He's right. I would too. Not that I would want to lay Shalom's life down for Josiah ... but it is what it is and as I watch him run around the house, chasing cars and hearing the pitter-patter of his chubby feet ... it makes me smile.
December 17th is just another day.
But we will go see the Christmas lights (if this snow lets up a bit *grin*) and it is my most favourite thing to do. To be a family, all bundled up, drinking hot cocoa ... and it doesn't seem like a gloomy thing to do - like going to Shalom's grave. We haven't gone there in a while.
The lights are so cheery, and the boys will just love it. It seems like a healthy thing to do ... but I sometimes wonder if people think we're a bit wacko for doing it in memory of her.
So - that's where I'm at today ... feeling good, feeling strange, livin' life.