09 June 2009

[books: Five Love Languages]

**post written week of May 21st ... saved and posted during renos**

ok ... so RATHER ridiculous of me to be doing a post on a book I've never read *blush*. But, the idea of this fascinates me and I think that the concept of these five languages is brilliant. They are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Lately, as I've continued examining myself and all the icks and yucks that I see, certain comments in conversations have really struck me. One being a conversation I had a month or so - and the conversation was actually about raising children, not love languages. But this woman said that she's been trying to teach her child to not have high expectations on people, because it simply leads to disappointment.

She had no idea how often her words would ring in my ears for days and days afterwards.

This brings me to my love language, or rather how I personally interpret love. For me, Words of Affirmation are the ticket to my well being. I look for them, listen for them ... a "good job", or "thank you" or "I noticed ..." or whatever, breathes life into me.

And I don't REALLY like that ... because as I continue to try and grow as "me", I realize that this particular love language is pretty high maintenance and so dependant on others. Which leads me back to what my lady-friend said to me about expectations on others. I find myself in a perpetual circle of "do they like me?" or "what have I done wrong?" or some other negative mind-set. Where did this come from? Well, I recognize the event that took place in my adult life that made me question all of the friendships that I had formed throughout my life ... so, seeing that (only very recently), is going to be the first step to me feeling normal again. Normal.

So, back to my love language ... it puts unrealistic expectations on others. So that is going to have to change ... it'll take time, but I want to learn to trust friendships again, without having to be affirmed and reaffirmed every 10 seconds, and I need to take this responsibility off of those whom I care about most - especially when they don't even realize it *smile*. In the same way, I'm going to try and keep my ears closed to those moments where I feel personally attacked, and I become defensive. I need to realize that being poked fun at is ok, or taking some criticism won't kill me *smile* ... to not take it as an insult. And if those comments are meant to hurt and destroy, then I need to simply walk away, for I am not nearly as strong as I may put on ... my skin is thin. Sometimes far too thin.

On a final thought, I found it interesting that I don't GIVE Words of Affirmation easily. Strange, I know. You would think that how I receive it, is how I would give it. But that's not the case. I SO admire those people who are Gift Givers - a small card, a trinket that made them think of someone they love, remembering a birthday ... My brain doesn't work that way, sadly. I'm sure I disappoint so many who receive their love that way ...

For me, Acts of Service is how I show others that I love them. Inviting someone over, making dinner or coffee, making them welcome in our home. Also, Quality Time is something that I give to those closest to me. Time is precious to me, so when I give it - it says "I love you" all over it. If I try and get together, if I pick up the phone or write an email to you, even a note on your FB wall *smile* ... I'm screaming "I love you" - even if it doesn't get heard amongst the bustle.

Have you thought about Love Languages outside of your marriage (ie your "friends" relationships)? Are they different than what you need from your spouse? Do you find that unrealistic expectations hurt you? Do you feel like you disappoint others? Well - I stand WITH you.

And for those of you who read this and think," What? What is she talking about?" , I applaud you - sincerely. I could learn a lot from you ...


Still Enjoying the Journey said...

Hey Tawn ... Thanks for your post! It's a great reminder of where we put our hearts.
The whole expectation thing is a tough one, but a great LEARN if it can be done. Years ago in full-time ministry, dependant on the commitment of others for support (in every facet!) led us to learn that concept on a steep curve. Now, as your friend told you, I must help pass that on to my son. But then of course, there's the reverse ... learning to following through with OUR commitments so not to fail others. Then there's the whole circle of others putting expectations on us that we are even unaware of ... obviously we will fail those ones!
Wow! Life can seem extremely complex when I start rambling on ... but I have chosen to just DO life as authentically as can-loving and serving to the best of Christ's strength in me. That's all I can do ... and those moments I fall, or something 'fails' me, then it's time to get my eyes upward again. A tough, but so rewarding lesson.
Thanks for your encouragement through your blog! I always look for your new posts ... you may even call me a blog-stalker! :-) Good thinkg I live miles away! God bless.
PS Enjoyed the Love Language book years ago ... My love language has changed SOOSOOO much over the years. I just love being with people I think. Quality time from friends ... Acts of service from my hubby. I wonder what THE LOVE LANGUAGE for kids says? Gotta get that one now that I'm a momma!!

Still Enjoying the Journey said...

Wow ... Maybe I should have made that a post on my own blog. Sorry for taking up sooooo much space!

Ruthie Nicholson said...

I so enjoyed your open heart and transparency. We all need to be vulnerable in order to fully understand and have a meaningful relationship. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I too show people love through acts of service. What I have learned is that when I really get to know someone I realize what THEY love. Then it is actually fun to love them the same way they give it away. It's a pure heart that counts in God's eyes. So my motive is the most important.
Above all put on love that binds everything together in perfect unity!!!