01 September 2009

[new baby: A Mother's Guilt]

Katia is almost a week old ... and although it would be amusing to say, "WOW - a week already?? Where does the time go??" ... truth is, is that it has been a long week.

I got a phone call from a Public Health Nurse yesterday, going through all the necessary medical questions of jaundice, filled diapers, correct latching etc ... Quite honestly, I just wanted to get off the phone as Katia finally fell asleep and I had promised Mattias that he and I would have a Wii competition. But the nurse kept on and on, Katia started to cry, Mattias was pulling on my leg ... and the poor nurse said, "How are you doing emotionally??"
And the tears rolled down.

I told her that everything really IS fine. My husband has been amazing, friends & family have been so supportive, our home is in order thanks to Miss. S ... but I haven't been getting much consecutive sleep (a night, an hour here an hour there ...) and I feel like my blood is a maze of hormones that makes me dizzy.

She told me, with a smile in her voice, to just have a good cry. I haven't gotten 'round to doing that yet. Seems like I'm being pulled in all the different directions - and I just want to be a good mom. That's what all of us go through, I'm sure. Spending time with one child, while another asks for your attention somewhere else.
This is a short season - and honestly, I actually don't mind the night feedings where Katia and I are alone in the quiet of the night. But I feel so guilty about the time she takes during the day, time that used to be the boys.

BUT - I will say this ... I am SO thankful to be done the pregnant part. I can at least play "hide & seek" with Siah ... I can tickle attack Mattias and have him jump on my back. I can get in and out of bed with ease, the 10times I need to at night, and singing the "Day Song" to the boys (a improvised song I sing every night about what we all did that day) with cuddles is SO much easier ... And the recovery from Katia's birth has been flawless, unlike the other two boys. I am so thankful that there haven't been any complications ...

On another note, my father returned from a Missions Trip to Russia & Poland (our family's love for Russia is shown in our wee girl's name ... ). He was away for the birth, and got to meet his new granddaughter yesterday ... straight from the airport. How long do you think it took for him to fall in love with her?? *GRIN*

Anyway - that's where I'm at today. Feeling blessed, guilty, tired, elated ... basically just a wee bit imbalanced *grin*. If I can stay on top of the emotions, I'll be just fine ... Blogging seems to help - and knowing that this is also journaling (when I print this all out in a book), makes it not seem like such a waste of time *GRIN*.
Have a great one ...

6 comments:

Crystal said...

I know that this is your third..so you know the drill, but I can still remember, as it was only two months ago the first two weeks..and how overwhelming they were. I remember whenever anyone would say hi to me I would just start crying:) but by week two, it just stopped like that, and my hormones ran there course:) And as my mother in law would remind me in the tough moments..this too shall pass..it only gets better and better:) and it has..so be encouraged, and we will pray you get rest as I learned quickly after my girls birth, there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method!*grin*

Kristin Pue/PraiseCharts said...

I think you are completely NORMAL!!! I can't imagine having 2 running around and a new one. You are doing amazing, and it will end...this is just a season. Let us know if there is anything we can do ok? Love ya

shirley said...

Tania what encouraged you to take up blogging?

Patti said...

Hey Tawn,

Just remember that you don't have to be supermum. This is a tough stage and 3 kids (one a newborn) is not easy no matter how much help you have (those hormones and lack of sleep are SO BRUTAL). Be easy on yourself....in the long run, your boys won't begrudge you for not doing it all right now. Lots of love. Congrats on your sweet girl. Your family is perfectly balanced now. Big hugs!

Tawn said...

Shirley: I find that the quiet of the evening makes me want to write ... I love journaling, but have found that blogging actually feels more "real" than just writing my secret thoughts in a book ... and blogs can be printed out into books - so it's a double whammy! And it's a great way for family and friends who live abroad to catch up with what's going on around here ...

Lori said...

Thank you for being so real!! It is a tough job transitioning back to having a newborn. I just went through this (going from 1 child to 2) and it was a LOT harder than I thought it would be. I've had many good cries, lots of overwhelmed times, but I know this time won't last forever...it goes by so fast and, the hormones will even out eventually. Hang in there!!