[talk: It Buds.]

Well.

Well, well, well, well *smile*.

It seems that yesterday's post struck a nerve with some of my readers.  I got more feedback than usual - with some friends choosing to FB me with bits of encouragement or tips on what helped them to lose those last few pounds, and a bunch of comments about giving my head a shake *grin*.  I accept them all ... 

Some readers viewed my post differently than I had intended it to be read - and I found it a little bit interesting that those who questioned some deep issues in my life, chose to write anonymously *smile*.  Fair enough ... it is not a requirement to state who you are (although I'm thinking I may change that if people are wishing to speak into my life ...).  And the truth is, for now, I accept all comments - whether I agree or disagree with them.  I know that anyone who takes the time to write, must feel passionate about their thoughts and I am very, very pleased for anyone to do so.  The mere fact that there were any comments after this post kinda stunned me ... my readers tend to be a little quiet *smile*.

It's all good - and that's why I put it out there in the first place.

But I found it interesting how people viewed my words.  Let's be honest - I was frustrated.  I'm a goal-oriented person.  I set my mind to something, and I find great pleasure in accomplishing it.  It's how I focused on getting three music degrees in piano performance and teaching, how I started running my own business, how I've pushed myself to run 15km.  I was brought up that way, it's in my blood ... It's a good thing, a bad thing, a positive thing, a negative thing.  

So - my words led others to write their own.  People's interpretation of my life, of how I view myself and the things in it ... it varied from person to person.  Although, I think that maybe having my self-esteem and worth in the Lord balance on a blogpost about a fairly unimportant goal I've had, is not really what I was going for here *smile* ... 

But fair enough to all of you ... and I want to apologize for disappointing you with my rant.  Truly.  And where I might see my humanness, my struggles, my honesty as perhaps allowing others to see me as "normal"  - it seems as though not everyone feels the same.  To have those who see me at church and in the  roles that I play there to think, "wait - she doesn't think she has it all together either" - perhaps that's not a terribly positive thought to others.  It's not my plan to be seen as one who has it all figured out ('cause I don't *grin*), but I certainly don't want portray someone who's a ridiculous mess either *smile*.  I'm really not.  I'm pretty normal that way ... 

The truth is, I think the point of my post was lost in translation - or so to speak.  It's really been all about the goal, as apposed to anything else.  


See, most days, I feel confident - I feel blessed to walk in grace.  I like who I am.  But when it came to this "deadline" of my birthday next week, and blah blah blah ... I found myself rooted in some sort of competition with ... myself.  I'm a motivated person, I want to do my best in all things - and this one ridiculous challenge I gave myself became too much pressure when I realized it just may not happen.  

So.  I read the comments some chose to write.  Over.  And over and over.

At first, some of them stung.  I closed my MAC and walked away ... "really??"  I thought.  But then - I decided to take a deep breath and reflect for a bit.  One "anonymous" person wrote, "So many people are struggling to be these perfect beings all because they are struggling internally with self-esteem. Maybe you need to reflect on your internal issues and ask the Lord to help you through them so you can truly find the peace and joy you are longing for... "

O.U.C.H.

But again ... I decided to stop and think about this for a while.  I asked the Lord, " ... what is going on here?  What is it that others are seeing that I don't?  Why am I feeling flogged over something so silly as to 2lbs??  Give me a teachable spirit ... ".

Boom.  It hit me ... or God nudged me, however you'd like to look at it *smile*.

Do you know what this is?  If you're someone who knows me, you'll know exactly what this is. It's my Shalom plant ... well, it's actually a Christmas cactus.  It was a dear gift from a friend, and every year since Shalom's death it has bloomed the week of her birthday, December 17, 2005.  It's like a beautiful little reminder that Heaven holds a special part of me.  However, it didn't bloom this past Christmas for some bizarre reason ... and it kinda made me wonder if it ever would again.

And here it is - with Shalom's actual due date quickly approaching in May, and what does this plant do?  It buds.  I told a friend on Friday, "I'm having a bit of a rough day ... my plant is budding."  Kind of a strange sentence.  Especially because I know the date is coming ... I don't need any reminders.

So ... when I stopped to reflect on your comments, and allow myself to listen and not be defensive - to ask God what this is all about - something came to my mind: control.  I like to be in control, it's how I function.  It's logical and it doesn't let me get hurt.

The situations in my life where I was rendered helpless, with no control over the outcome, are the ones that have hurt me the most.  And though there are many things that have cut me in my life, none compares to the out-of-control abyss I found myself in five years ago.   The feeling when we had to say goodbye to our little girl, and drive away from the hospital with my arms aching to hold her - there are no words.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but this whole experience feels like a reminder that I need to just let things go; like these last few pounds are frustrating because I can't control them the way I'd like to.  Maybe it's not even about the numbers themselves, but the fact that they seem to have a life of their own.  And this budding plant has reminded me that ultimately I'm not in control of anything.  Not when I belong to Him.  That although it is good to be purposeful and intentional, there needs to be room for God and His grace.  If there isn't room for Him, it just leads to disappointment.  Even when it comes to my body.

I think that if I let go, everything might just fall into place.  

So.  *smile*.

I'm hoping this all makes sense.  I am confident in my relationship with the Lord.  This has not been about that.  Nor has it been about me being a good or bad role model for whatever reason.  For me, this has been a reminder for me to refocus my own control issues and be ok with my failures - big or small.

This is all another reason why I love this blog ... yup - it can sometimes make me feel like I'm a little misunderstood.  I can feel judged or encouraged.  But I find that if I am honest and willing - that if I choose to not be defensive while still using discretion - God can use this blog the way I really want it to be used ... so thank you *smile*.

Again, I hope this all makes sense ... I'm a little nervous about the comments.

Have a good one *smile*.