20 April 2011

[talk: It Buds.]


Well, well, well, well *smile*.

It seems that yesterday's post struck a nerve with some of my readers.  I got more feedback than usual - with some friends choosing to FB me with bits of encouragement or tips on what helped them to lose those last few pounds, and a bunch of comments about giving my head a shake *grin*.  I accept them all ... 

Some readers viewed my post differently than I had intended it to be read - and I found it a little bit interesting that those who questioned some deep issues in my life, chose to write anonymously *smile*.  Fair enough ... it is not a requirement to state who you are (although I'm thinking I may change that if people are wishing to speak into my life ...).  And the truth is, for now, I accept all comments - whether I agree or disagree with them.  I know that anyone who takes the time to write, must feel passionate about their thoughts and I am very, very pleased for anyone to do so.  The mere fact that there were any comments after this post kinda stunned me ... my readers tend to be a little quiet *smile*.

It's all good - and that's why I put it out there in the first place.

But I found it interesting how people viewed my words.  Let's be honest - I was frustrated.  I'm a goal-oriented person.  I set my mind to something, and I find great pleasure in accomplishing it.  It's how I focused on getting three music degrees in piano performance and teaching, how I started running my own business, how I've pushed myself to run 15km.  I was brought up that way, it's in my blood ... It's a good thing, a bad thing, a positive thing, a negative thing.  

So - my words led others to write their own.  People's interpretation of my life, of how I view myself and the things in it ... it varied from person to person.  Although, I think that maybe having my self-esteem and worth in the Lord balance on a blogpost about a fairly unimportant goal I've had, is not really what I was going for here *smile* ... 

But fair enough to all of you ... and I want to apologize for disappointing you with my rant.  Truly.  And where I might see my humanness, my struggles, my honesty as perhaps allowing others to see me as "normal"  - it seems as though not everyone feels the same.  To have those who see me at church and in the  roles that I play there to think, "wait - she doesn't think she has it all together either" - perhaps that's not a terribly positive thought to others.  It's not my plan to be seen as one who has it all figured out ('cause I don't *grin*), but I certainly don't want portray someone who's a ridiculous mess either *smile*.  I'm really not.  I'm pretty normal that way ... 

The truth is, I think the point of my post was lost in translation - or so to speak.  It's really been all about the goal, as apposed to anything else.  

See, most days, I feel confident - I feel blessed to walk in grace.  I like who I am.  But when it came to this "deadline" of my birthday next week, and blah blah blah ... I found myself rooted in some sort of competition with ... myself.  I'm a motivated person, I want to do my best in all things - and this one ridiculous challenge I gave myself became too much pressure when I realized it just may not happen.  

So.  I read the comments some chose to write.  Over.  And over and over.

At first, some of them stung.  I closed my MAC and walked away ... "really??"  I thought.  But then - I decided to take a deep breath and reflect for a bit.  One "anonymous" person wrote, "So many people are struggling to be these perfect beings all because they are struggling internally with self-esteem. Maybe you need to reflect on your internal issues and ask the Lord to help you through them so you can truly find the peace and joy you are longing for... "


But again ... I decided to stop and think about this for a while.  I asked the Lord, " ... what is going on here?  What is it that others are seeing that I don't?  Why am I feeling flogged over something so silly as to 2lbs??  Give me a teachable spirit ... ".

Boom.  It hit me ... or God nudged me, however you'd like to look at it *smile*.

Do you know what this is?  If you're someone who knows me, you'll know exactly what this is. It's my Shalom plant ... well, it's actually a Christmas cactus.  It was a dear gift from a friend, and every year since Shalom's death it has bloomed the week of her birthday, December 17, 2005.  It's like a beautiful little reminder that Heaven holds a special part of me.  However, it didn't bloom this past Christmas for some bizarre reason ... and it kinda made me wonder if it ever would again.

And here it is - with Shalom's actual due date quickly approaching in May, and what does this plant do?  It buds.  I told a friend on Friday, "I'm having a bit of a rough day ... my plant is budding."  Kind of a strange sentence.  Especially because I know the date is coming ... I don't need any reminders.

So ... when I stopped to reflect on your comments, and allow myself to listen and not be defensive - to ask God what this is all about - something came to my mind: control.  I like to be in control, it's how I function.  It's logical and it doesn't let me get hurt.

The situations in my life where I was rendered helpless, with no control over the outcome, are the ones that have hurt me the most.  And though there are many things that have cut me in my life, none compares to the out-of-control abyss I found myself in five years ago.   The feeling when we had to say goodbye to our little girl, and drive away from the hospital with my arms aching to hold her - there are no words.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but this whole experience feels like a reminder that I need to just let things go; like these last few pounds are frustrating because I can't control them the way I'd like to.  Maybe it's not even about the numbers themselves, but the fact that they seem to have a life of their own.  And this budding plant has reminded me that ultimately I'm not in control of anything.  Not when I belong to Him.  That although it is good to be purposeful and intentional, there needs to be room for God and His grace.  If there isn't room for Him, it just leads to disappointment.  Even when it comes to my body.

I think that if I let go, everything might just fall into place.  

So.  *smile*.

I'm hoping this all makes sense.  I am confident in my relationship with the Lord.  This has not been about that.  Nor has it been about me being a good or bad role model for whatever reason.  For me, this has been a reminder for me to refocus my own control issues and be ok with my failures - big or small.

This is all another reason why I love this blog ... yup - it can sometimes make me feel like I'm a little misunderstood.  I can feel judged or encouraged.  But I find that if I am honest and willing - that if I choose to not be defensive while still using discretion - God can use this blog the way I really want it to be used ... so thank you *smile*.

Again, I hope this all makes sense ... I'm a little nervous about the comments.

Have a good one *smile*.


Jen said...

Well put.

For those concerned about you being a role model - you've just proven why you are such a good one. (Not that this has anything to do with that, but still.)

Thank you for posting this. What is far more inspiring than seeing someone as a 'human' is seeing someone accept criticism and feedback (constructive or otherwise) from others in a healthy way.

I personally find your blog a refreshing point in my day, regardless the topic :)

And FYI - you look great :)

Anonymous said...

This is my first time reading this, but, on a side note the two pounds is now muscle from running and getting stronger. You're probably in better shape than you think. So know that you really did reach your goal. Toned and in shape :)

Jenica said...

You should give yourself a break. Everyone has days when they feel frustrated with life only to have others point out that there are much worse things to worry about. It's not really the feedback you were looking for...oh well.

But I understand your need to have control (I have that problem too) and it's ok. Perhaps some people took it the wrong way because of what is going on in their own lives. I for one love your blogs because you are so real and you often make me laugh. You've also made me cry, but the point is you are human and you make mistakes. You're honest and refreshing. Some people will understand and some won't. But it doesn't matter. So give yourself a break...you deserve it :)

Shawna said...

Good job, nail on the head hit ;) Well done.

Hmmm, so sweet to see your little plant coming into bloom, those little plants are emotional little things..and maybe it's just what you needed ;)

alisa said...

I think it's great to have goals & your discipline has been very admirable, and perfectionism is probably something that your personality naturally gravitates to. I understand that. I also think that in order to be "free" in God, those of us who are perfectionists have to let that go, and let God call the shots & be ok with things not being perfect, or not being exactly as we would have them - and I think you get that. I think your honestly is great. Back in the old days when I modelled, we were always measured (bust,waist,hips) & those were the only numbers that mattered, because weight really does fluctuate & I think one can go batty trying to figure out the reasons for the numbers on the scale (usually some kind of water retention is involved)! I think if you are healthy & fit into the clothes you want to fit into, then you're doing alright! And as we get older it's not as easy to just drop a few pounds (at least for most of us). You're doing great, and just be glad you're able to run! I've been out with an achilles injury unable to run for the last few months & it's a real drag! And that's very cool about your plant. God has His perfect timing & way of speaking, doesn't He?

Anonymous said...

UHM, kudos, cin cin and carry on darling! LOVE this POST, LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! xxoo Janean

JENIFER said...

I think you're amazing. I don't know your testimony but I can only imagine how hard that must have been. You must be a strong woman for God to have let you go through that....love the plant.

jamiedelaine said...

love this tania. came back to check out the comments of the other post tonight and see any new ones. loved reading this. i totally hear your heart. be blessed!

Tawn said...

... can I just say, "THANK YOU" and let you know how much you all warmed my heart?? I so appreciate all that you said, it was lovely to read. :-). Blessings to you all. Xx.

Tracy Schmunk said...

Hi Tawn...

I haven't read your blog for a long time and just caught up on the last couple over a cup of tea. Wow...there was a lot of interesting feedback! I think I possibly understand you. Although I don't document it in the same way, I too have a constant goal for myself physically. I am 40. I'm not 35 or 30 or 25 anymore. I will never have the same shape that I once had. I have accepted that. However, that doesn't mean that I give up on being healthy and striving to be the best that I can be at 40! I want to feel good and look good...for me!!! There is a balanced place between the two extremes of "love yourself no matter what" and "I'll never be good enough". Yes, we are to love ourselves, but not use that statement as an excuse to not try to be better (not just talking physically, but in anything). Yes...the condition of our soul is the MOST important thing!!! It needs to be exercised spiritually in God's word, in prayer, in caring for the world around us. But I also believe that our body is important and is a reflection of who we are inside. I'm not talking about the "perfect body" here...there is no such thing. I'm talking about being healthy and being the best YOU possible! I think that without goals, we miss out achieving! So...I think your honesty is wonderful. More women think this way and have the same frustrations...you are just brave enough to put them out there! Keep striving!

Love, Tracy

Mining for Diamonds said...

Tania, reading your blog reminds me of my bloggy friend Sandy Cooper. She blogs over at God Speaks Today, http://www.godspeakstoday.net/2011/04/two-announcements-and-two-questions.html You both have a lot in common from the fitness goals to sharing in the experience of losing a child. I think you would really like her blog. I haven't read much of your blog until just today, so now that I'm at Blogger I'm going to follow you. :)

Blessings, girl!