15 December 2008

[talk: Sigh. I Feel It Coming.]

It did it again.

The Christmas Cactus bloomed ... how does it know?? I mean, it's not like my house temperature drops to freezing levels and lets the little plant know that it's winter time. But it's a smart creation and it bloomed the most incredible blossoms this year. The stems were heavy with pink flowers.

And my heart grew heavy as well - as I braced myself for the anniversary of our loss of Shalom. It's been three years - can you believe it? And yet, as December 17th creeps up on my calendar, it all begins to replay in my mind. Everything tweaks a memory ... setting up the Christmas tree, the first snowfall, the Christmas Production at church. And it's not like I feel the need to stay in bed for a week and sob until there's nothing left - no, that's not it at all. But there are moments - just a few - where I ache to hold my little girl.

I'm certain every woman, or man for that matter, who has lost a child knows exactly what I mean. Regardless of the length of gestation - a child is a child. And I would guess that most women remember the day they lost their child and as that date approaches, their arms begin to ache too.

We're still really not sure if we'll have more children. *smile* Things are getting easier around here with 2 growing boys. The thought of going to a newborn - well - some moments it seems like the GREATest thing, and the next, I feel selfish as I start to see a bit of freedom and opportunities for me on the horizon. But ultimately, He's in control - um, that would be God *grin* - and we want His will to be done, not ours. So we shall see ...

So - that's where I've been lately. Don't get me wrong - life has been GOOD *smile*. I love the Christmas season, despite its little reminders. I'm a big fan a tradition, and the annual events bring normalcy to me. And we've been spending so much time with family, old friends, making new friends ... we are blessed.

And on Wednesday, we will go see the Christmas lights. Shoot. My eyes welled as I wrote that. *moment*. Ok. I'm good. *smile*. We'll get hot chocolate and walk to see the lights in a nearby neighbourhood. Apparently, it's going to snow - so I hope that it all works out. Because, that's what we do on Shalom Hope's day.
Then we're going to my bro & sis-in-law's for my mom's birthday dinner. Her bday is December 16th.

Ok - enough of all that ... it's Monday - and that's when I post my weekly meal plan. Here's what I've planned for this week:

Monday - at my in-laws
Tuesday - roast beef, baked yams, green beans
Wednesday - at my sis-in-laws
Thursday - Chicken Hurrey, brown rice, brocolli w/cheese
Friday - Smart Chilli, homemade crusty bread, veges and dip.
Saturday - out for dinner.

And for you, dear friends, I wish you Peace for today and Hope for tomorrow. Just as our little one's name reminds us.

3 comments:

Kristin said...

[hugs]

Patti said...

I love her name, and every time I think of you and her, I'm also reminded of my brother and how we held onto "Shalom" - nothing missing, nothing broken - when he was in his darkest hours.

I look forward to the day when we meet our precious little ones again.

Thinking of you over this season. Much love!

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about of you on that day as well. Yes my arms ache as well when I lost our little girl as well they still do after 3 yrs. I always think of what things would be like if she was here with us. God bless you this christmas. Rosalia