13 May 2010

[talk: Dreams]

I'm not sure what's gotten in to me lately, but I've started feeling a little anxious, a little stuck, a claustrophobic.  I'm a dreamer at heart ... people might be surprised at that.  I'm structured and organized, educated and opinionated ... but a dreamer.

Every now and then, I start to panic over the visions I have in my head.  There's never enough time to do it all ... and am I the only woman who feels the clock ticking?  I feel like I have an expiration date on my relevancy ... 

Maybe it all started with my birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Whatever the case, I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be.  Being a mom is never "JUST" being a mom.  Being a wife, is a also not a "just" kind of a thing.  Daughter, friend, la la la ... same thing.  I know that I'm not "just" anything, and yet sometimes - I feel like there is so much more.

And this whole photography thing has really met a deep need for me to be creative, to interact with others, to feel like I contribute financially in the home - as small as it is.  But I get frustrated with myself because no one thing satisfies the "itch" I have to learn, to grow, to have something new to show for my life.

I have two very big dreams.  Well.  More than that.  But two that linger over me every day ... 

One, is worship.  And I am so freakin' thankful that our home church allows me the privilege of being involved with beautiful people and anointed music.  When I'm involved, the world stops for me.  In that moment, I am doing exactly what I was created for.  And honestly - sometimes I'm sad that it only happens for a few moments each month.  

The second, is a book that I know I'm supposed to create for moms who have lost children.  It's a huge dream - and it's there every single day ... tapping me on the shoulder, asking when I'm going to start doing it.

So.  I'm a dreamer ... and there's never enough time to do all that I want to.  I want to bake organic bread with my kids, have an hour to work out, edit photos, write songs, brainstorm about the book, meet with a friend for some God inspired conversation, walk to the park with my little fam and hear about school and laugh about their stories ... 

I want it all.  Every day.  All the time.

See the problem?

There's never enough time to do it all ... never enough moments to accomplish everything.  And again - the ticking clock of "how long will I be relevant for" ... and I want to kick the enemy in his teeth for pestering me with lies ...  for telling me that I've missed the boat on some opportunities, that the things that I can do are not important, that only others can be used, can impact, can count.

And I don't want to believe that I can't do all that is in my heart ... why can't I?

I guess it comes down to me loving this thing called life.  And I hope that God will allow me to live long and hard ... because I want to do it all.

3 comments:

Kristin Erickson said...

Agreed.

Lisa said...

Welcome to motherhood - especially of 3. Im so thankful that Ron has allowed me to persue my business, and yet there is so much more of my business I want to explore. And yet there is so much more of being a wife, mother, and homemaker that i want to conquer as well. Although when I have attempted some of the things I dream about they are not as gratifying as I thought they would be. Right at this moment I can tell you that there is no other place I want to be than to watch my kids here in hawaii.... if thats all i do is just watch them - its been been a good trip!

Lisa B. said...

I think everything inside of you is a testimony to the amazing power of our God. Recently I have been reminded of all the special things being a woman means...so many beautiful facets to who we are, each with its own time, purpose and function.
Its encouraging and inspiring to hear and see your dreams and visions...keep going & keep shining, you've so much to give to the world!