I'm not sure what's gotten in to me lately, but I've started feeling a little anxious, a little stuck, a claustrophobic. I'm a dreamer at heart ... people might be surprised at that. I'm structured and organized, educated and opinionated ... but a dreamer.
Every now and then, I start to panic over the visions I have in my head. There's never enough time to do it all ... and am I the only woman who feels the clock ticking? I feel like I have an expiration date on my relevancy ...
Maybe it all started with my birthday a couple of weeks ago.
Whatever the case, I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be. Being a mom is never "JUST" being a mom. Being a wife, is a also not a "just" kind of a thing. Daughter, friend, la la la ... same thing. I know that I'm not "just" anything, and yet sometimes - I feel like there is so much more.
And this whole photography thing has really met a deep need for me to be creative, to interact with others, to feel like I contribute financially in the home - as small as it is. But I get frustrated with myself because no one thing satisfies the "itch" I have to learn, to grow, to have something new to show for my life.
I have two very big dreams. Well. More than that. But two that linger over me every day ...
One, is worship. And I am so freakin' thankful that our home church allows me the privilege of being involved with beautiful people and anointed music. When I'm involved, the world stops for me. In that moment, I am doing exactly what I was created for. And honestly - sometimes I'm sad that it only happens for a few moments each month.
The second, is a book that I know I'm supposed to create for moms who have lost children. It's a huge dream - and it's there every single day ... tapping me on the shoulder, asking when I'm going to start doing it.
So. I'm a dreamer ... and there's never enough time to do all that I want to. I want to bake organic bread with my kids, have an hour to work out, edit photos, write songs, brainstorm about the book, meet with a friend for some God inspired conversation, walk to the park with my little fam and hear about school and laugh about their stories ...
I want it all. Every day. All the time.
See the problem?
There's never enough time to do it all ... never enough moments to accomplish everything. And again - the ticking clock of "how long will I be relevant for" ... and I want to kick the enemy in his teeth for pestering me with lies ... for telling me that I've missed the boat on some opportunities, that the things that I can do are not important, that only others can be used, can impact, can count.
And I don't want to believe that I can't do all that is in my heart ... why can't I?
I guess it comes down to me loving this thing called life. And I hope that God will allow me to live long and hard ... because I want to do it all.