[photos: No Christmas Portraits. Boo.]

Well.  You'd think that someone as trigger happy as I am, I would find the importance of a Christmas portrait.  And I do.  But, can I just say, it was just about impossible to get this year.  Katia was having NOTHING to do with it.  And I wasn't even getting a "portrait" ... just a simple photo of the three of them before leaving for Tias' school Christmas concert ... 

I only had a few minutes, but still.

First, we tried having Tias hold her ... and Siah thought his tongue was beautiful, apparently ... 

... then, she started crying, and Siah began jumping up and down on his little behind ...

... then, Katia had enough - and started crawling away ... which was a little dangerous with my camera in hand.

... then I put her back and BAM.  More tears.

... and Tias thought the whole thing was hilarious.

SO.  Today I'm might try again.  It's sunny, snowy, and I think I just might be able to get a pic of the three of them ... maybe even looking at the camera.  Wow.  THAT would be incredible.

Oh.  I got an "ok" pic ... not the greatest.  But - it's documented *grin* ... that Josiah and his tongue.  Hopefully it's just a stage *grin* ... Or.  I could just say, "this photo perfectly documents our three kids at Christmas 2010.  Tias, prim and proper ... Siah, the clown ... and Taya the peanut."

OH!  And I also have put up "Wedding: Mark and Janeen" the maaaaaaasive post on my RedHanded Photography blog.  Click the link, leave a comment - would love to know you were there!  

Have a great one!!

[redhanded photography: Mark & Janeen]

I have a bazillion posts and pics that have been bouncing in my head this last week.  Christmas, Recovery church, our church's production, family traditions, digiscrap pages, an update on the book I'm collaborating on ... more ideas that I have for 2011 and dreaming biiiiig ...

But - it's been a while since I've done a RH post.  SO ... for the latest - click HERE.

(wow.  is that really all I'm going to type??  hmmm.  yup.)

Have a great one!!

[cool products: Christmas Books.]

Every year, I put a little book together for my Mom and Mom-in-Law from the kiddies.  I usually do it at Costco, and it's a bit of work getting images from disks that I've burned - and choosing which ones make the cut.

This year, though, I decided to try something different and oh, oh, oh, am I glad I did!!

I used Blurb.com and created a 12x12 image-wrapped book.  I used my own 12x12 scrapbooking pages (jpegs) from this year, uploaded them and VOILA ... a perfect book for my moms.  I didn't use ALL the scrapbooking I've done this year, but there are about 60 or so pages ... and I made sure to includ events that the families were either at, or would be interested in.

It's a perfect coffee table book, and because it's scrapbooked - it has all the dates, writing, photos - done. Can I tell you how much I love digiscrapping??? It's now helping me out at Christmas time!!!

Here's a peek ... 

The Costco books I was creating, cost me about $40.00 each.  And they usually had about 30 images in them.  These new 12x12 books were more expensive, for certain - BUT, I created a lot more pages and they're almost twice the size as the Costco books.  With shipping and taxes, they were around $100.00 each. 

But they turned out so great - it was worth every penny.

I can't wait to see our moms' faces!!

 Have a great one!

[shalom: Remembering Looks Different. ]

The Christmas cactus hasn't flowered this year.  And that's a very strange thing, as it is what tips me off to the time of year I'm approaching:  Shalom's birthday.  In the past, it has flowered once, even twice in the year - but it ALWAYS does the week before December 17th ... and this year? Nothing.

And every year, for the past 5 years, we have gone to see the Christmas lights in memory of the day we lost her.  It's been a family tradition - something that I clung on to each year ... making sure to document it with photos and painted word imagery.  Would you believe, that this year - the evening of December 17th is being taken up with my hubby's work Christmas Party ... there will be no time to take the family out and venture out to see the lights with camera in hand.

Which put me in a bit of a tizzy.  I'm not really sure what to make of all of it.  I was telling a friend the other night, that someone had said it well - "The hole doesn't change, but the edges get smoother."  And that's how I feel about Shalom.  My sadness for her doesn't change, but the ache kinda has.  

This leads me to a variety of thoughts.  One, I feel thankful that time seems to heal wounds to some degree.    I remember at the beginning, the thought of just being able to breathe without crumbling into a complete mess - was unimaginable.  But now - the hurt isn't nearly as jagged.  And two, I feel a little guilty ... can I really just not do anything on December 17th?  Can we just move on?  It feels almost disrespectful to the whole journey we went through ... like it didn't happen, like she didn't happen - my tiny baby girl, Shalom Hope.  What kind of mom wouldn't pay tribute??

Oh boy.  Here come the tears.

*smile*.  Wow.  Ok.   That feels good.  Maybe I just needed to type some of these things - let some of it out.  A moment of crying actually feels ... real.

I know that she will not be forgotten - but as my friend reminded me - I am not defined by our loss.  Shalom is one part of our expansive story ... a part that has it's fingerprints deep on my heart.  But I know, and live, the joy that has come since that storm.  The unimaginable blessing that God continues to shower on us, with our three children, our marriage, our families, our friends, our church, our home.

...our 2010 Christmas Card

I don't know what tomorrow will feel like ... I usually wake up to a flood of emotions - remembering the exact feeling of waking up on December 17, 2005 and not wanting to get out of bed, get dressed, head to BC Women's hospital.

But, as time would have it, instead I'll be getting up and going to Mattias' Christmas class party, and later - getting spiffed up for a yummy-food-filled-night with my hubby's work colleagues.  A far cry from 2005 - and you know, I think I'm all good with that. 

So.  The Christmas cactus didn't bloom this year.  And I think that it may be God's way of telling me that it's ok to just keep living, not forgetting, but not stopping ... to keep moving forward, keep learning, keep trusting.

Man.  I can't believe it didn't bloom ... 

[talk: Saving Notes.]

When I was a little girl, my mom sold Mary Kay products.  Now - maybe that's not accurate.  I think she had some products that she planned to sell, but instead I got into them and used them to make my 10 year old skin look ... younger?  *grin*

These flamingo-pink products were neatly organized in a gold quilted briefcase ... and long after those products were gone, it became my secret place that I would keep my sacred treasures.  Not just any treasures ... handwritten notes.  I would keep any written word that I didn't want to forget ... an encouraging note - even in grade seven, it's worth millions - , funny stories, admissions to "who likes who" ... I kept a lot of them.  

When I got engaged, I told my future hubby about my gold case.  I asked if he wanted me to get rid of all of those memories ... start fresh.  But he gave me a peculiar look and was, like, "why would you need to throw away those thing that made you who you are today?"  And I was thankful for that.  I'm a sentimental fool - and throwing away bits of paper from the corner of my grade 9 science textbook may have put me into a puddle of tears.

In fact, that bulging gold case is in my home and every year or so, I open it up.  It actually gets more organized each time I open it ... and I usually have my own little laugh at some of the crazy things my friends and I wrote to each other.  I cry when I read things from friends who have passed on, and smile at the notes of upcoming sleepovers, excitement for Friday's youth group, *laughing* ... there are probably notes in there from YOU!

I realized today that I still do the same thing - except in a more 21Century sort of way.  Emails, FB messages, texts ... I save them.  And when I realized that I was saving these (what for, I'm not sure - it's not like I'm going to print them out and put them in a binder ... hmmmmmm *wait a second ... *) - I started wondering what my kids were going to do.  Would they ever write a note?   Or will it only be texting by then?  Ha.  Is it only texting NOW?  What will happen to penmanship (oh, I practiced for HOURS to make sure that my left-handed printing was perfect - despite my teachers telling me left-handed writing would always look like chicken scratch ... )?  And spelling? Is it a lost art?  Oh don't get me started on the text-language-spelling.  I'm a victim to it myself.

Well.  Even this blogging, digiscrapping, Facebooking, texting woman still puts value in the written word stuck to paper.  I love a handwritten note ... and maybe even more so now, because it's such a rare thing.  I love a great pen too.  Almost more than my Mac.  AL-most.  *wink*.  When I was in highschool I always used a teal ink, ball-point pen.  My friend, TMD, introduced it to me ... it's still my pen of choice to this day ...

So - I'm thinking that it's time again to have a chuckle over the images these gold-cased-notes spark in my mind.  I just may pour myself a chai tea and blow the dust off of that case and smile at my 11 year old printing and the rad language I used *grin* (rad.  that was a joke.).

*smile*.

Have a great one !!

[redhanded photography: Ben & Vanessa]

... on a much lighter note *smile* - I have a post on my RedHanded Photography blog.  It's a maternity shoot with an amazing couple, Ben and Vanessa.

Stop by, leave a comment - would love to know that you were here *wink*!!

Have a good one ...

[talk: Addiction]

Almost every Sunday night, our little family heads to the Recovery Service at our home church.  I've posted on it before - how much this place has touched me, how much the people have impacted me.  

Last night, little Katia wandered around the room where the service is held.  She walked up to people and waved and said, "hi" while my hubby or I watched.  It was so so beautiful to watch people melt under her little spell.  One man, covered in tattoos, piercings and rough clothes looked at me and said, "I remember when I had tea parties with my little girl."

I am so overwhelmed with how I feel about those suffering from addiction, and the incredible beauty that comes from recovery and restoration.  So many times we write them off, think they're hopeless and manipulative.  And yes - there are those who made bad choices out of rebellion, as apposed to an escape from abuse and emptiness ... I don't debate why people choose a path like that.  Every story is different.  It is true that not everyone wants help.

But this man, I imagined him with coloured beads around his neck and sitting crossed legged with his little angel sipping tea.  And I wondered how long ago that was, and what an ache that must be if she was no longer in his life.  Regardless of how he got there, how his decisions led him to where he is ... the loss must be so great as he walks through the journey of the consequences of his actions.  My heart was sad - but hopeful.  

He is in a place where he is getting the help he needs - spiritually, emotionally and physically.  I pray that he will have another tea party one day ... 

I wanted to share this video with you ... it's from "So You Think You Can Dance" last year - and the first time I watched it I wept.  And the second and the third and fourth.  The concept is Kupono (the male lead) is "addiction" and the hold he has on Kayla (the female lead).  I think it is spell binding - and shows the battle in such a raw way.  

How beautiful it would be to have a part 2 where Kayla kicks his butt - restored, full of hope and promise - through the grace, love and friendship of God.

[worship: In Christ Alone.]

So.

I've been posting a lot of digipages and recipes ... but I've been avoiding writing what's in my heart.  Hmmm ...  maybe that's not accurate.  No.  That's not accurate.  I'm not avoiding.  But maybe I'm just using wisdom (oh, now there's a thought for me *grin*...).  I am not void of faults - that's for sure - and I'm pretty sure I don't need to go into detail on the things that make my head spin.  We've all got them ... *smile*.

But, a couple of nights ago I found myself in a place that feels like home.  Worship.  I've been thinking a lot about it - and I continue to realize that worship is at the core of who I am.  It's how I commune with God, and how He speaks to me.  It's how I say "I love You," and "I'm sorry" - and how I receive His grace.  So many times, the words of other's songs say it best ...

I led at the Recovery Service this past Sunday night.  My soul came alive.  And this song - it speaks truth in every verse.  It's poetry, a twenty-first century hymn.  We've sung it for years, but on Sunday night   watching the congregation of the "untypical" church-goer sing it as one voice ... well - this isn't even close to being the same, but I wanted to share it with you today ... 

"No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man - can ever pluck me from His hand.  'Til He returns, or calls me home, here in the pow'r of Christ I stand."

I'm battling a chest infection or something - and FINALLY got a prescription.  I'm hoping for some sleep as the last few nights have been a gong show. Why is that when I lie down, my lungs fill up and my body seizes in a coughing fit??  So frustrating.  Last night was the worst ... I finally hit the sack at 1am and proceeded in coughing my face off.  Who knows when I fell asleep - only to be woken up at 4am with the power going out and the clocks beeping and our 3 year old crying because his room was now pitch black.  Gong.  Show.  That's four nights that I haven't sleep more than an hour or two at a time ... if this medicine doesn't kick in today I just may shed a few tears.

I'm leading this Sunday morning and have Christmas production practices as well this weekend ... I need my voice.  And my rest.  It's hard to be all that I need to be when I'm tired and sick.  Or is it sick and tired?  *smirk*.  Whatever.

Hmm.

Ok.

That's it for now ... have a great one *smile*.