26 January 2011

[redhanded photography: The Pressure.]

**deep breath**

Ok.

The truth is, the more I immerse myself in photography, the more I feel like I'm just not ... cool enough.   The photography industry is all about image (obviously ... image, images ... you do the math *grin*) - and being a stay at home, thirty-something, God-loving mom ... well.  It just doesn't seem ... cool enough.

This process of my new site has forced me to really look at who I am as a professional.  And honestly - even saying that kinda makes me wince.  Professional.  I feel like there would be so many who would cut me down by using that phrase ... 

"You're just someone who likes to take photos ... "
"Did you go to school for photography?"
"How much equipment do you have?"
"Have you gone to the latest "this that and the other" and seen "so and so's" work?"

When I start letting those thoughts come in, the truth is, I feel so defeated.  I feel like I'm just not good enough - that my passion for images is really just my own, and I am the teensiest of fish in the biggest ocean of photography.  And I know that this, for the most part, is a waste of a thought process.  Every person, in every field must feel like this ... no?

It's hard "starting over" as an adult, you know?  I was confident with all of my music degrees and the successful music studio I ran after highschool and in my 20's.  But starting a new career is daunting at the best of times - never mind entering into a field that is so opinionated and diverse.

As I was creating my new site, I really wanted it to represent me.  I've said this before - but I wanted it to be about my images and simple, clean lines.  I'm no indy-artist (oh how I wish I were)... I'm not a fashion connoisseur (are Lulu's considered high-fashion??) ... and I would love to, but I never seem to make the time to go and be inspired by a trip to the city, or a walk on my own to some remote area.  

I'm not.  I'm not.  I'm not.  It rings in my ears.

And as I it rings, I try and choose to think back to my word "intention".  What are my intentions with my business? Well - to provide the very best that I can, at a cost that I think is fair.  Do I want to grow my business?  Yes.  I want to have an impeccable reputation, that will only come with time.  My intention is to be the best that I can - which may be less than the best that someone else can do ... but I truly, truly desire for the people who do entrust me to take their images - to be elated.  I want to hone in on the style that I think I am ... journalistic, documentary, telling the whole story.

My site's not up just yet ... I hope you'll come and see it when it is - and I so appreciate all the encouragement you've given.  Putting your work out there to be critiqued is a scary thing ... and it's so important for me to remember that photography is just one part of who I am.  As long as I am doing my very best for those who hire me, that's really what matters.   That, and making sure all the other facets of who I am are being taken care of too ... wife, mom, friend, worship leader ... digiscrapper *grin*.

Wow.

Where did all that come from??  

On another note - I haven't run in 3weeks.  THREE WEEKS.  Why?  Well, first battling a wicked cough and then a dripping nose ... and then it's been raining, raining, raining.  So.  This morning, as I type this, I am wearing my running gear.  A little nervous that I might throw up - that I'll be sore tomorrow - that I'll feel defeated in the first km.

Intention.  Well.  My intention is to be healthy, to clear my head, to do something that's solely for me.  So, I guess is doesn't matter if I throw up, if I'm sore or even if the 1st km kills me.

Man.  I am rambling today.   See?  I need to run and clear the muck in my head ... 

Have a great one ...

6 comments:

Mary said...

All those thoughts are lies from the devil! Lord, take those thoughts away!

Tawn, you are inspiring, driven & incredibly (let me reiterate this, increddddibly) talented!

I don't have children (yet!) and I don't do half of the things you do and I often wonder how the Lord granted you a 36 hour day ;)

So, take it from a former student, an avid blog reader and an admirer of your business and beautiful photography that I am often in complete awe at how you do everything that you do and how you do it all with such grace, honesty & excellence.

Your passion and drive encourages me to do something I love, to be great at something and ultimately to be the best I can be. So, thank YOU!

Be encouraged and enjoy your run ;)

Shawna said...

AH! Mary - great words!! And all true! Love you Tawn, keep at it!

Breeanna @ a brilliant melody said...

I just found your site :)

I think you are so brave to jump into the photography world since it's something you love doing.

I'm still in the beginning stages of learning how to use my DSLR. Maybe someday I can be where you are and charge people for taking their pictures.

Nice to meet you!

www.abrilliantmelody.com

Rosalyn said...

Tania,

Thought I would share with you something that I think of when I have those same "I'm not" thoughts. Whatever you are not, you make up for a hundred times over with what you are.

Also, you are an incredible photographer and everyone knows it. I'm hiring you for my wedding... whenever that comes... ;)

Tawn said...

Breeanna ... thanks for dropping by! I stopped by your site ... I need a nice quiet evening to go through all your wonderful-ness on your site! Glad you commented and now I know where to find you ;-).

Rosalyn ... have we met? I know a few Rosalyn's and not sure if you're one of them :-).

Rosalyn said...

It's your old piano student!! Didn't think there was so many people with my name out there ;)