11 April 2011

[biggest loser: Changing My Brain.]

I wish I could just change my brain.  Or at least how my brain works in regards to scale numbers.

For the last few weeks, I've been on a regular routine.  Running, Jillian DVDS, shakes for breakfast and lunch, small snacks in between, a sensible (oh.brother) dinner ... It's been working well for me.  But then - I started hearing people say that I need to change it up, that I'll get bored - possibly even allergic (whey protein, peanuts, almonds, eggs ...) if I keep this up.


So frustrated about that, because I was JUST getting on a roll.  And surely I can't become allergic to something after just a few weeks?  My hubby's cousin became severely allergic to almost all of those things I just listed - but that was after yearrrrs of ingesting those foods regularly as a part of his workout regime.  So - I know it's possible ... but still??

And I'm trying to wrap my brain around giving myself a "break".  What's a break?? **laughing**.  I wish I could figure that one out too ... but what I ended up doing, was giving my body a break on Saturday and Sunday.  Partly because I was crazy, stupid busy with worship leading at a conference and at my home church - but partly because I just don't want to injure myself.  Not being able to run would devastate me at this point ... 

But here's the thing - as I type this in my full-on running gear, waiting for my morning's shake and cup of rooibos tea to settle before I venture out for a run - I find that as soon as I break my rhythm, I'm lost.  Yuck.

This is what I mean.  So on Saturday, I had eggs for breakfast instead of a shake, then a morning snack.  I had tuna and crackers for lunch, headed to the conference ... by the time I got home, tag teamed my hubby as he ran out the door, got my kids into bed, it was 8pm.  I didn't want to eat that late.  I had a peanut butter cookie.  (oh man ... as I type this - it sounds sooooo bad!!).  

Then on Sunday, I had a shake for breakfast as I ran out the door to be at the church by 8am.   I had a small baking square at the church cafe at about 10am ... then went out for lunch with some friends from the worship band ... had a grilled chicken sandwich with yam fries.  Didn't eat it all.  Went back to the church for an Easter practice from 3-5pm, headed to the Recovery service at 5:30pm, ate a cliff bar at 6pm - instead of the pizza the service offers.  Then we went to McD's afterwards with a group of friends and our kids, and I had a grilled chicken wrap.

And I weighed myself this morning and I'm freakin' UP.

See.  I need my brain to not care about numbers ... but how do you do that??  How do you make yourself unlearn something that is so ingrained?  Every girl knows what it is to "diet" and I know that's not what I'm doing.  But ... see ... ok - here's the truth.  I'm getting stressed because my bday is coming up and I PROMISED myself that I would be in the 120's by then.  That's two-and-a-half weeks away.    And on Saturday morning I was 130.8lbs (and jumping up and down for joy) and this morning I was 132.2lbs.

Oh. I so know that I'm gonna get ribbed for this one ... I can hear my friends telling me it was because I wasn't eating enough, or because I didn't drink enough water, or because a woman's body just fluctuates all the time throughout the month.   Yeah, yeah, yeah ... water retention or whatever ... call it what you want.  It doesn't change the numbers.  I now have 2.3lbs to lose on 2.5 weeks - as apposed to 1lb on Saturday *rolling my eyes*.

What am I going to do about it?

Run my little butt off today, along with either the P90X 15min ab workout or some light weights/pushups, drink a million gallons of water, try and stick to the "eating every three hours" that my friend has convinced me of ... I'll do my Jillian workout tomorrow ... and keep going from there.

Again ... this is really all about the goal of my birthday, and why I'm pushing myself so much.  And I'm not changing that *grin* ... for my bday, I'm heading for a weekend away with three girlfriends, where we'll be sunning and sleeping and laughing and learning and relaxing.

And I shall be 129.9lbs by then if it killllls me.  Even if it requires me shaving my head for that extra .2lb (laughing ... ok.  that's ridiculous, but that's how frustrated I am ... ).  

The end.


This whole post was completely self-serving and totally uninspiring *grin*.  But - it helps me organize my thoughts, lets me see things in black and white and go from there.  So - if this was a bit of a waste of your time, *eek*, sorry.
Ok.  Off for my run ... 

Have a great one!!!


Nickie said...

I love that you are honest enough to post all these neurotic thoughts! And I truly mean that as a compliment! I have thought those exact same things MULTIPLE times and even worse.... but I just rarely admit to it. Thanks for being honest (and I have to admit it all made me laugh a bit too - not at your struggle, just in a been-there-done-that-considered-crazy-things kind of way).

Tawn said...

... this has to be one of my FAVE comments ever :-). totally neurotic. that's me :-). if you have a suggestion on how to turn my brain of, I'd love to hear it *grin*.