19 April 2011

[biggest loser: Why of Course.]

I ran fifteen kilometres yesterday.

To say that I was crazy excited, is an understatement.  That's 3km more than I have ever run in my life - and honestly - I could've gone another 1 or 2 more.  But I don't want to injure myself - that would devastate me - so I made sure that I didn't over do it.

I loved that run ... I gave it all I had.  I ran it in 1:33:13 with an average pace of 00:06:10 per km.  I felt like a machine.  And my legs burned for hours later - a true testament that I pushed myself harder than normal.  I killed it ... 

So, imagine my excitement to stand on the scale this morning.   And then imagine my face falling after seeing that I, in fact, gained a pound.

You know - when I did the biggest loser before having Katia, the numbers went down.  And now that I've taken up exercise, the numbers refuse to budge.  Or they go down for about a half hour before moving back up again.

I hate my scale.

I hate numbers.

And I'm giving my body a recovery break today - so no Jillian (plus I have a bazillion things to do that I should've gotten done yesterday ... beh.)  I may resort to drinking water with lemon and cutting off that limb I've been talking about.  And shaving my head ... that'll maybe make the numbers go down.  

I know that physically, I'm in the best shape of my life.  My cardio has never, ever been like this.  My legs and butt are showing divots where the muscles are outlined ... but that tire around my waist greets me every morning.  I really, really thought that cardio would burn that sucker off of me ... And yet - how insane is this - I would consider trading it all in to be 120lbs.  Ok ... even as I write that, I know that's just plain wrong.  

I'm so frustrated because being 129.9 is far from my actual goal - and yet even that seems unobtainable.  Especially with that birthday deadline I've placed over my head ... 9 days.  It was hard enough to lose 1lb in 14days, never mind 2.5lbs now in 9.

Ugggggh **yanking on my hair**.  So frustrated.

So.  Instead I am going through the house with a garbage bag ... the laundry room is being gutted (yet again, for like, the third time this year) and some of the kitchen cupboards ... the junk that's attached to the side of the fridge ... and just whatever else I can get my hands on.  My house will lose about 10lbs ... the 10lbs I wish I could.
You know ... I recognize my complaining about a few pounds.  I know what it sounds like.  I know that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I know that I am blessed.  But I also know that I'm working my butt off - and that's where the frustration comes from.  

Am I alone in this??  Anyone else trying to do everything right and then get socked in the stomach with rising numbers??  Anyone know what I'm doing wrong?  Anyone have hair clippers to help me shave off at least 1/2 a pound *grin*??

Have a great one ... 



jamiedelaine said...

tania. you're so hard on yourself! and i know you know that. but really, numbers are just numbers. no one knows your number. well. you blog about it, so they do. ;) but you know what i mean?

i have a goal of being in the 120's again someday, but honestly... i don't know if i want to do it. i know i could. sure. lemon water, right? ;) BUT it's not worth it. i'd rather live life in the 130s and... i'll always have stomach fat. bahah. seriously. i've learned to just be happy and feel beautiful with what i've been given, because if we're living active, healthy lifestyles that's all we can ask for. frustrating to always be living in disappointment with the scale. you're beautiful.

Canadian Kristin said...

I totally felt this way yesterday when I got all excited about the new yoga and fitness classes at the local rec centre. Finally, classes during a time in the day when I would have time to participate. A cost I could afford. And the kicker... no childcare. None. So. I can't go. Um, I finally get all interested/motivated/money to spend/timing organized... and there is NO CHILDCARE.
So, I came home and ate two of those flourless pb cookies you had me make. [wink]

Seriously. No childcare. GAH!

Throw out the scale... just chuck it... and keep running, cuz that's just awesome!

Anonymous said...

I will bring the hair clippers with us to AZ...just in case! :)

Love you...don't be silly...you couldn't be more beautiful!
Luv N

Anonymous said...

You're too obsessed. It takes away your joy and is holding you captive. You are giving it a place in your life that its not meant to have. You are a leader to many....which gives you responsibility...don't make them stumble....how many young women out there are struggling with what they look like (in fact addicted to what they look like)....teach them its whats on the inside that matters! Model what is important in life....and an obsession with weight is not one of them.

Anonymous said...

Everytime I read your blog I feel sad that you can't see the great achievement in your life and just be happy with the strides you've made to be a healthy, active woman. Perhaps you could look at your situation differently and remember that muscle weighs more than "fat". So those numbers on the scale are giving you a deceitful illusion.

More than that, I have to agree with the comment below about being a positive influence in our community/society. So many people are struggling to be these perfect beings all because they are struggling internally with self-esteem. Maybe you need to reflect on your internal issues and ask the Lord to help you through them so you can truly find the peace and joy you are longing for.

Anonymous said...

As someone that has inspired so many women by your powerful testimony, the journey that has lead you to where you are today, and the great leader you are in the church, it pains me to read the words in your blog.

I feel that you are being far to critical on yourself. You are beautiful inside and out! I'm reminded by the following phrase spoken over me as a young child:

"If you can't be happy with who you are in Christ, then you can't be happy at all".

Patti said...

Hey Tawn,

Is it possible that you are not eating enough (no question mark because my girls changed my keyboard to a french keyboard and a question mark comes up like thisÉ)

I use the MyFitnessPal App to track my calories and to input any exercise and well, I love it.....

I know that sometimes when we dont eat enough our bodies can go into starvation mode and instead of using and burning...it can just hold on to the calories because it thinks that its not going to get enough....

just a thought....

Anonymous said...

Tawny - take this comment for what it is. Maybe this is your hang up, your issue - but you need to find a way to stop. For real. You are not thinking, giving this so much importance in your world. You were built a certain way. You do your part to be in the best shape you can be in. Really, who are you to be critical of how you were beautifully and wonderfully made? I'm serious sugar. How would you feel should Katia have this struggle? Muscle weighs far more than fat. PERIOD. End of story. There is no such thing as spot reducing. You could stop running and stop eating and lose the weight quickly. You are going to lose muscle and gain fat. PERIOD. my word. Go to a nutritionist already, but you are nuts. ALL SAID WITH LOVE. SERIOUSLY. BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE. LOVE, JANEAN xo
PS - My body, far from perfect, LOL...as we know. I run maybe 3km every few days to keep the ticker actually pumping - but guess what. I loves me. And even though there are a couple parts I don't like, they do not take away any joy I get from loving me!

Anonymous said...

Throw away the scale!!! People have said it before to you...just do it!