[talk: Scary Times, Thankful Times, Memorable Times]

Before I get onto other things, I wanted so let YOU know about something that hit far too close to home. A young family from our church was moving this past weekend, and upon the truck being filled, GS noticed a pink package on his doorstep. Assuming it was for one of his two young daughters, he went to get it - and decided to take a look inside. Upon doing that, he detonated a bomb *yes, a bomb* and is currently in serious condition after shrapnel made it's way to his liver, along with other wounds and burns. GS works at a local university campus with Campus Crusade for Christ. Motives are unknown, as is whether this was an intentional act on GS and his family - specifically, his little girls since the package was pink. You can read more about what happened here . Not a conceivable thing to happen around here. And it has hit our church and community pretty hard. So if you have a moment, say a prayer for this family. Their journey is far from over.

On a COMPLETELY different note, I was nominated for a BLOG AWARD. Now, I have no clue what this means (Ed McMann didn't show up at my house with a cheque or anything *wink*) but I was pretty honoured. Especially from whom it came from ... Simplyyin is a Digi-guru and actually thinks that my work is worth noting. Superb!! Check out her link here to see my layouts on her site. Blows my mind, it does. I failed art-class *grin* ...

Now - apparently, I'm supposed to list 7 things that I love or am thankful for - kinda an acceptance speech, I guess *laughing*. Here 'goes:

1. GOD. He saves me daily and for that I am so thankful.

2. FAMILY. My parents who raised me, my husband who chose me, my boys who remind me of what's important.

3. OLD FRIENDS. The ones who have seen me at my ugliest and still choose to walk the journey of life with me. They are some of the greatest people who walk the planet.

4. NEW FRIENDS. People who teach me new things about myself and about life in general. New friends are like the different spices that make the same boring dish different every time.

5. CANADA. I love this land that allows me the freedom to worship. It frustrates me, and I don't always feel like my thoughts are the majority - but I love the different cultures, the VAST beauty (come ON, is there anywhere more incredible *grin*) and it's simply "home".

6. MY CHURCH: These people are my family without the genetics *grin*. I trust these people, give my best to them, and support all the different adventures the church goes on.

7. MUSIC: Without music there would be a hole in my soul. Music is what connects me to so many people, and is my red-telephone to God Himself. Losing music would be losing myself.

OK - obviously there is SO MUCH MORE to be thankful for, but I was told to do seven things. I could easily add health, financial stability, my hobbies (digiscrapping, photography, cooking, hostessing) ... did I do alright?? And are you wanting to see some CRUISE pics. Well, here are a few ... you can feel free to weep openly with me at the obvious loss now that it's over.

Naw. I'm not dramatic at ALL ...

[talk: Dreaming Makes My Brain Hurt]

Seems to me that this has been happening often *grin*. The whole brain thing ... it tends to be working overtime as of late. But that's a good thing, I think. That is, until I start losing sleep over my thoughts and dreams ... yes, I have dreams. I'm pretty sure that I'm "living the dream" already ... I have a good life. And I LOVE life ... and all that is in it. Even the crud, which has been filtering its way into my head recently. But over this last week (that has been high with emotions) I'm starting to remember the dreams that I've had - and deciding whether they are important anymore.

And they are.

I am so thankful *big shout out again here* for Carmen's words in my comments a couple of days back. When she said that " just Tawn" wouldn't BE me anymore if I wasn't a wife. Or a mom. Or a teacher. Or all the other hats that I wear. She is SO right **lightbulb moment**. And that brings me to me - and I think I like "me". I'm 34 now (um. who said that??) and I'm realizing that I am a woman of many opportunities. My life has not been hindered by the right choices I've made, but rather made me IN to this woman that is just "Tawn".

See? My brain hurts.

And my dreams? My OWN dreams - not the ones I have for my family and loved ones? Well - I dream of being involved in worship. And I already am - but I dream of more. I don't know WHAT that means, I just know that I have an ache in my soul for greater things. Not fame or fortune ... but I would love to lead and write songs that touch people. To know that in some small town in Nova Scotia, with the congregation of 50 people are meeting with Him through songs that He's given me to share.

Ever since I can remember, I've dreamt of running my own Bed & Breakfast - but only for those in the ministry who need rest and restoration. I know what the cabin should look like, the layout, the decorating ... And I know what would kinds of food would be on the menu ... Pan seared chicken breast simmered in Marsala and served with oven roasted rosemary potatoes and maple carrots. Lemon pavlova for dessert (how many of YOU have I served that to? *LOL*). I dream of that.

I dream of going to Africa - of seeing the Village of Hope and giving a piece of my heart to yet another group of children. To sing "Father Abraham" and revert to complete silliness. To hear their stories and be changed. And I want to rummage through the markets of Istanbul, buying spices of intense colour and artwork of vivid shapes and hues ...

Oh dear. I've done it again ... ramble ramble ramble. So - those are some of my dreams - and yes, I WILL post my cruise pics on here. They do exist *grin*.

Oh - and before I go, would you mind if I took a moment to thank a couple of people? Yesterday I was informed of a couple of webpages that were created to encourage to me. Seriously. Don't laugh *smile*. They made my day. So thank you DS and ANA ... as I told you both before - you made my heart sing.

And you can write my eulogy anytime *wink*.

[worship: It Was Inevidible,Wasn't It?]

SO ... how am I doing? I'm going mental trying to put SPACES between the paragraphs - but it's not working *ugh*. And aside from this ridiculously dreary weather - I'm doing alright. Seriously, I'm so thankful that I overdosed on vitamin D in the sun last week because I think I just might have scurvy by now if I hadn't ...

And regarding my last post? *smile* I sure got a lot of kind words and wisdom from some remarkable people. Don't you find that when your head's hanging low, there are people around to remind you of all the good stuff? Or are just there to validate? Mighty wonderful, I'd have to say ... and a special shoutout to Carmen, whom I don't believe I know personally, but such wise words were spoken from a lovely heart. Thank you *smile*. You're right.

Does that mean that I'm not still in mourning the smack of reality? Nope. I still am ... and as I said to my mom today (poor lady, she reads my blog and after seeing her today I could tell that she was a little *cough* perplexed about my last post), "It's not that I'm unhappy. If anything it just shows how WONDERFUL the vacation was." And I have this to add as well: when our insecurities rear their ugly heads and we find ourselves wishing we were someone else or whatever the case may be - be thankful that you CAN see those insecurities. I told my cousin (who was on the vacation with us - and feeling quite the same as I), "It's like realizing you're living in the Matrix ... Last week I felt like my eyes were opened to some things about my life - and it was hard and wonderful all at the same time. Just because it was a lonely place doesn't mean I'd want to live in ignorance instead. I'd rather know I was living in the Matrix than be unaware." Ok. If you haven't seen the movie, you'll have no clue what that was all about.

And as for the Cruise of a Lifetime - do I have pictures? Sure do ... I posted about 2.7 billion of them on my FB. Trying to chose 10 of them to show you has given me a headache. Maybe tomorrow *grin*.

So, instead, I've decided to continue down the path of transparency and show who I am. Who I am, at the core, is a worshipper. If you've come to this site looking for Digiscrapping or something else, I invite you to take a moment and see what really is the most important thing for me.

I hope that's ok.

[talk: Hello Me ... It's Time To Say Goodbye Again]

I've been debating how transparent I should be on this blog. A-HA .. I've got your attention now *smile* ... Some of you who come and visit, I've never met. Most, though, are friends or are church family - and I feel a responsibility to be accurate in my words. I would hate for my ramblings to be misinterpreted or diluted ... or slandered. But after my brain aching over the same thoughts, I've come to think that maybe - just maybe - I'm not alone in this one. Something has really caught me by surprise.

Seriously - every time a friend has looked me in the eyes, with a big grin and said, "SOO???? How was your trip??" I can't even talk. My eyes well up and I quietly say, "I can't talk about it just yet." How crazy is that?? And I'm certain they think I'm a loon, or that our vacation was just the worst thing ever.

But it wasn't. Our vacation was incredible. We had SO much fun with our cousins and with each other. And I will be sharing about the crazy things we did, and I have a few million photos to share too *grin*. Fantastic ports, a beautiful ship, hot, glorious weather. A really perfect holiday.

But as the week went on, I found myself spending more time on my own - and being satisfied with that. I haven't really been on my "own" (aside from those 30 hours in Phoenix) and being able to dive into selfishness on a daily basis. When I say that, I mean that I didn't have to make sure that Josiah was being watched while I went to the bathroom. Or I could read entire chapters of my novel without interruption and get lost in the story. I could stay out until 2am, watching a movie or having a brewed tea. I could meet people, whom I did - such wonderful people - and laugh, learn, just be with.

And I was just ... Tawn.

Even as I write this, tears stream down my face. Not because I don't love my life - I do. It's not about that. If I wasn't married for 10 years with two glorious kids - having every moment for myself - I would be doing everything in my power to BE that married person with two glorious kids. I am satisfied in that. But I feel like I'm already losing that person that I got reacquainted with on the ship. I'm already waist deep in titles of what I think I'm supposed to be or what others want from me. And I'm certain that most of those titles are accurate, and yet being just Tawn was the most glorious part of my week away. I've never been on a vacation where I feel like I physically took of my Coat of Titles and got to have just me shine through.

As the Lord would have it, I became attached to a family on the ship. How this happened, I'm really not sure. But it did. They were all on board for their parent's 50th Anniversary - and they represented Christ so evidently. We hit it off and to them, I was just me. Not a wife or mom. Not a hostess or a worship leader. I wasn't a piano player or a music teacher. I was just Tawn ... do you get the reoccurring theme here *smile*?

And maybe this is what the whole experience has been about for me - remembering to have moments where I can be just "me" and reinforcing the desire to be known and to know others ... Maybe even YOU don't see me as all of those titles either. Maybe you DO know who I am, and it's just my own insecurities living the unspoken expectations I feel. Maybe it's all in my head - trust me - there have been a LOT of things going on in this head of mine *grin*. So many things.

And I know that this is all mighty strange - but for me, this moment is so real. And tomorrow it will feel less strong, and the day after that and after that. And eventually I'll read this and not even be able to relate to any of it ... I just hope someone who reads this can.

Which leads me to this final thought - if coming home has been such an emotional experience, do I wish I'd never gone? HECK no. I wouldn't trade a moment, a conversation, a new friend, a photograph ...

I just wish I could relive every moment all over again.

[talk: I'm BAAAAAACK ... and My Brain Hurts]

... and is spinning with all that has happened in the last week. I have so many thoughts that I need to organize before I throw it all "out there".

Come back later ... there'll be something to entertain you, I promise *wink*.