[digiscrapping: Some pages, some banter ...]

Wellllll ... it's been a few days - and I have a million "posts" going through my head. Don't you find that??? It's like "ooooh - THAT would be a good thing to blog about." Or no. Wait. "THAT's a good thing to blog about." And it goes on and on. To the point where I don't blog because I can't decide what to say. *laughing*. Such a geek, I know.

So - a few thoughts ...

1. I had a few fantastic couples over for dinner on Sunday night - so much fun, such great people. I LOVE to cook and so I prepared french onion soup for the starter, bacon Alfredo fettuccine for the second course, and grilled chicken with roasted yams & potatoes with stir fried peppers & zucchini in Marsala. For dessert - as requested by my hubby - Lemon Pavlova. So. See? I love to cook ... and one of my lovely guests laughed as she said that she wasn't sure if she could have us over for supper b/c she wouldn't do what I did. Hmmm. I've never thought of that before ... See, I just get into this "zone" of loving the smells and flavours and planning. I love writing out the menu and grocery shopping for yummy ingredients ... I love setting the table and all the small details as well as large. So - I started wondering if that's why we rarely get invited over to anyone's house for dinner?? (ok - that's a little embarrassing to admit too *blush*) Maybe not, but if so - that would break my heart. Seriously. I do what I do because I love to do it - not to make anyone feel ANYTHING but the love I put into it. So - if you've come over, and it's made you feel "whatever" - please don't. I love love love love love to do it. And if I do it for you - it means I love YOU too.

2. Oprah's show yesterday: I don't always watch her - she drives me a tad crazy. But I like the decorating or whatever - I tape them and either discard them or watch them when the hubby's playing hockey late at night. So, I watched the first 60 seconds or so and got so sick to my stomach - I halted the PVR and decided today (after chatting to a friend about it) to delete it. I don't like to be ignorant - but putting images in my head of children being ... ugh. I just can't take it. Lord, protect our children and HEAL the minds of those who dream up these intolerable evils.

3. Big Brother: I'm cheering for Dan. End of story.

4. Lampe Berger: I bought one of these the other day. It burns a scented alcohol rather than an oil - and it DISINFECTS the air ... the one I got cleans 150sq ft in 20 minutes. I was told that this is how hospitals used to sterilize rooms at the turn of the century. Sure, our technology is far better now, but sometimes - the basics is good enough for me. So the lampe has toured our home, first our bedrooms and then the main living space - and the way the AIR FEELS afterwards is really fantastic. I bought a "starter" kit for $40.00 including lamp, wick and fuel. Love it, love it, love it.

3. Digiscrapping: I created my first "word art" and wanted to post it .. haven't figured out how to save the image with a transparent background once it's a jpeg (as apposed to a psd file). When I save the image, there's a white background & it's unusable for digiscrapping. Also - don't know how to set it up on my site so friends can dowload "freebies". SO... anyone know? Anyone?? Help! I'm passionate, still ... and here are a few pages of late.

click image to enlarge

[talk: My Eulogy. And Some Hockey too.]

You'd think that I was morbid - with all the dying fish around here, has it gotten me to think about things in a "finalized" kind-of way??

Nope.

BUT tonight I went to the ocean with Josiah. My husband was hosting a stag at our home, and Mattias wanted to stay for the dinner - so being female, I chose to leave and brought my little guy with me. I had no clue as to where I was going to go - actually aimlessly driving south. "Where to go, where to go," I thought. And I ended up at the beach. It was a glorious late-afternoon and Siah and I threw rocks in the ocean, walked along the beach while he pushed his own stroller - it was a quiet, reflective time for me.

Then, I led us to different neighbourhoods - something I love to do - checking out the different homes and the feelings they give off. Some were cozy, some were cold - and some I started dreaming of living in. And THAT's what got me to thinking about my Eulogy.

See - I was looking and dreaming, thinking "oh, if only". And with those thoughts came others; and I wondered how many of us think "if only" and that would make our lives happier. If only we had a basement or a larger backyard. Or a boat. Or a vacation property. Or if we were thinner. Or taller. Or maybe if a relative was still alive, or perhaps if a loved one wasn't sick. And it goes on and on. I think that it's all valid - but it seems to me that we should be easily satisfied - which is a contradiction to the belief I have in hard work and moving forward in life as well. But, that sense of drive is a God given thing - but so is being satisfied, I think.

Which brings me to my eulogy. I wonder what people will say about me when I die - and hopefully I have some time before that'll happen *grin*. Some people don't like me, I know that ... and they probably wouldn't even come *smile*. But the people who do like me and know me for me ... I would want them to think of me as easily satisfied - that I was happy and content. And I think I am for the most part - I don't complain about material things, but I need to be content with the stage of life that I'm at. And that's something I'll be working on.

Ok ... enough of all that *my brain hurts*. How 'bout some hockey??? Oh - you're gonna laugh at this. My husband is OVER the MOON about the new team he's on - and their jerseys were bought at an auction from a movie set (so none of their names are on them *laughing* - they're all the character's names). He got me to pack up the kids and take some pics at last night's game. The boys LOVED it ... and here are some pics.

[talk: God and the Dead Fish]

I wasn't going to post anything today - not much has happened ... life is trucking along quite nicely. But now, I have something to share.

Last night I noticed that Luigi, Mattias' pet fish, was vertical. Not a good thing for a fish, I think. I mentioned it to Mattias and his eyes welled up and his jaw got firm as he said, "No, Mummy. He's fine." Hmm. This was not going to be easy.

When we came home from preschool today, Luigi was on his side - his gills moving every now and then. Not a good thing for a fish. I warned Mattias, "Luigi is very sick and may die. Sweetheart, I am so sorry." To which the tears flowed and Tias got on his bed and cried as he hugged his favourite stuffed toy.

Oh boy.

Well - Luigi was dead within the hour and when I told Mattias, I was on the phone with my husband. He was actually at the pet store trying to find the perfect replacement for Luigi and had intended on switching them before Mattias realized one of his pets died. Yet again.

But I had mixed feelings about that. See, while Luigi was still alive, we prayed to God that He would make Luigi all better. And I felt that if we switched fishes, Mattias would believe God healed the fish, and I thought that would be wrong of us. God doesn't always heal.

Now, I believe in a God who does heal. How He chooses who and when, that I don't understand. For me, it's like, "Come ON God. Do it for this little boy ... it's just a fish." But He didn't. And you'd think I know all about God and his choosing. He completely restored my husband when he was to have spinal surgery in our first year of marriage (that's a story I'll have to share with you). Completely. And I often forget about that, especially when He chose to not heal our little girl, Shalom.

So. God and the dead fish. He is still God. I just wish that I knew His thought process a little better *smile*. And as for Mattias - I asked him if he wanted to say anything to Luigi before I *cough* flushed him ... and he looked at me with eyes welled and said, "stay here, Mummy." He went upstairs, and after a few minutes, returned downstairs. Big tear stains streaked his face and he said, "I just whispered something softly to him." "What did you say?" I asked. "I said, 'goodbye Luigi'". Seriously. This kid just breaks my heart. And I told him what a beautiful little boy he was, and how proud I am that he loves so much.

And now? Well, I'm actually currently waiting for the clean fish-tank to be ready for Guido. And a new friend ... that's right. My husband came home early from work and brought a smile to Mattias' face with a new little fish. His name? Luigi. Of course.

[digiscrap: OOOO Where Do I Start??]

SO much to say ... and not sure where to start. So I'll start with this:

Don't you just hate the yo-yo effect of life sometimes? I mean, a few days ago I was - once again - feeling gloomy and lonely, isolated and bullied all at the same time. What's with that??? Then the sun comes out (literally) and my own clouds of gray are lifted. I'm wishing that the weather didn't predict my own mood *grin* for there seems to be a real co-insiding of the two.

I went from these sad emotions to a glorious Sunday. I love my home church and the people in it. There's a real sense of "family" birthing there - and I have the privilege of being involved in the music there. Nothing is greater than people joining together in worship. Nothing. And for me, that says a lot - because I love to do a lot of things *grin*. So I came home in a state of euphoria - a real sense of who I am and why I'm here. Such a contrast to the day before ... such a yo-yo. Such a pain *grin*.

Then - I get this comment from "Yin". Did you read it? OH MY WORD. The woman made my day. Now - to those of you who DON'T know who she is, she is a digi-queen and has a bazillion (well, not quite) hits on her site to prove it. She creates fantabulous pages and gives out freebie templates from time to time. I snatch them up as quickly as she gives them out - and got brave a few days ago to tell her "thanks" for the ideas. I left my blogsite there, inviting her to come and check out my pages - NEVER thinking she would. But she did ... and left kind words to boot!! She actually asked if she could put some of MY pages on HER site. **clonk**. Sorry. That was me, falling over.

SO - now I have to step it up just in case she makes her way over here again *laughing*. And I'll need to start posting "credits" of the products I use too - which will be a huge deal b/c I have so much digi stuff on my computer - it's a little crazy. And if she reads this - she'll probably be horrified that she made my blog topic. But maybe she'll smile, and I'll have validated her the way she validated me *grin*. How nice would that be??

Ok. Tomorrow? Tias' very first Music for Young Children class (you can see him drumming videos here) is in the morning ...then off to see Toopy & Binoo (what on EARTH am I thinking??). Our dinner guests canceled, so it will be a quiet night of "Big Brother" and digiscrapping.

For you? I wish you a glorious day full of sun and no yo-yo-ing. Have a good one *grin*. And here are some of my recent layouts. Enjoy. Or not *grin*.

click images to enlarge

[talk: And for Today's Post]

Thank you SO much for the stories you shared about your brushes with fame *grin* - I loved reading them and feeling connected to you all ... such a fun thing *grin*!

But on to my REAL life ... the sun came out yesterday and we ventured to the park. I was a "single" mom for the day and night - and that meant planning ahead and coming up with fun things to do. I sure love our boys ... and time spent together is pretty great - even when it's exhausting.

And today? Well - it was the first day of Tias' second year of preschool. More like an orientation, a getting together and reminding all of us moms how things work. A refresher *grin*. And now we're ready for the school year.

And the rest of today? Spent outside, laughing and creating memories. And me trying to save the moments forever with my camera. Being a mom is so bitter-sweet. The guilt I feel when I choose to do something other than being with them. The guilt of dreaming of them being older and less reliant on me and being able to be more selfish with my time - all the while praying that they'll stay this way forever. The way they giggle, and make up silly words. The way their feet look when they refuse to wear their shoes outside. The way their hair smells when they come for a close hug. Oh how I love them.