[talk: Toasted Skin]

Well.

Well, well.

It wouldn't be a normal day if I didn't feel like my head was going to explode with thoughts and ideas ... I am actually going to pick up some pads of paper today - if I can't write my list down, I go a little crazy.

Let's see ... first off - running.  I haven't run since my 10km this past Friday.  Why?  Well - Easter, for one.  And truthfully, my legs had been aching as well.  Right now as I type this, I'm in full running gear but it looks so incredibly yucky outside ... so instead, I'm considering doing a new 55min Jillian DVD today.  My shins are still sore ... and I actually think it's from a pair of black flats I've been wearing.   They kinda curl when not worn, and I think when I put them on they pull on my shins - kinda above my ankle.  Does that make sense?  Anyway - I've been too afraid to get out there and then have something pull or something.  

And after last week's rant, and because I'm a bit of an "all or nothing" kinda girl, I haven't worked out or weighed myself ... until this morning.  See, I knew I wasn't going to make my goal of 129.99999 *grin* ... so why bother??  Well ... no surprise, but I'm down from my highest, up from my lowest ... I'm mad at myself and couldn't care less all at the same time.

This break has actually been good for me, I think - although I tend to stray quickly if I don't keep accountable.  I haven't been obsessing, but I haven't been on track either.  Ah well ... each day's a new day.  I think this ridiculously yucky weather isn't helping ... 

What else? Well - I'm having a birthday this weekend ... ick.  Well.  I guess not really, but still ... ick.  I'm going to be 37.  Thirty-seven.  There.  I said it.  And that's crazy.  There are times that I actually like telling people how old I am because they are really surprised ... I think it has to do with my height.  Short people look younger, I think.  True.

But when I look at how fast the last 10, 15, 20 year have gone ... ick ick ick.  And yet, I feel like I'm in my "prime", though.  You know?  Everyone ahead of me says, "the thirties and fourties are the best", and I kinda agree so far.  Sure - there are extra lines on the face, some experiences that have left a mark on my soul.  The body ain't what it used to be (who am I kidding - it never was *laughing*) and yadda yadda yadda ... but - all in all, I like who I am ... 

So, what am I doing to celebrate?  I'm leaving.  On a jet plane (insert a good set of nerves right here).  I'm heading to Phoenix with three girlfriends to our place down in Scottsdale for a few days.  As I type this, it just doesn't seem possible that I'm going with all that needs to be done before then - but I think it'll hit me at about 8:30am tomorrow when we all meet.  I'm excited.

I intend on letting the sun toast my skin, on sleeping in until at least 8am, having the time to run in the desert, jacking up the Itunes, laughing until my tummy's sore and wearing cute summer clothes because it feels like summer will NEVER come here.  

Ok.  Now I am REALLY excited ... 

But first I have RHP stuff to finish up, some serious packing to do *smile*, grocery shopping, banking, pickup/dropoff for school ... but my hubby told me I'm not making dinner tonight.  Boo-yah :-).

OH!  

And Part Three of Kin and Kristy's wedding is up on my RedHanded Photography Blog HERE.  If you're able, consider this your personal invitation to become a member of that blog ... makes like simpler.  And you can do the same here to, if you like *grin*.

Ok.

Must run.

Have a great one ... and hey - I intend on doing what I love while I'm away.  And one of those things is blogging ... stay tuned *grin*.

[redhandedphotography: Kin & Kristy's Wedding ... Part II]

... what a morning.   Actually - looking at the clock, it's almost 10am here.  And I feel like it's afternoon already.  

Josiah woke up around 5:30am crying, coughing - well, more like seal-barking - panicked that he couldn't breathe.  I rushed outside with him, trying to calm him, get him breathing.  After about 15minutes or so, Lu came down fully dressed and took Siah to the hospital.

I tried to go back to sleep - it's going to be a long day here - but that wasn't happening.  So up I got ... serves me right for editing pics so late last night, I feel a wee bit exhausted.

Anyway - Siah was diagnosed with croup and was given a steroid.  He's now sitting on the couch munching on an apple, all tickity-boo.  I am so thankful he's ok ... nothing puts things into perspective like sick child.

And I'm heading off solo to a funeral in Vancouver today ... my "honorary" grandpa died this past weekend.  He lived a long, beautiful life - and I'm preparing myself with water-proof mascara for the afternoon's service.  Funerals are a strange thing ... in one way, it's exciting to see people that you haven't seen in a long time ... but then, there's the whole massive sad thing too ... 

On a completely other note, I have put up Part II of Kin and Kristy's wedding ... some of my favourite images of the entire day.  Stop by, if you have a chance by clicking HERE ... 

What else?  I haven't run since Friday's 10km.  My shins/ankles have been bothering me ... trying to be smart and not damage myself.  I'm certain that a few days off won't push me back too far.  I think I'll be ready for a good 10km tomorrow.  I had hoped to do 15km this week - but I think that just may be pushing it ... and if 10km feels tight, I'll bring it down to whatever it needs to be.  It's my last few days as a 30-something-cough-cough year old.  I'm no spring chicken anymore ... as many insist on reminding me now *grin*.  Gotta be smart if I want to be running a decade from now ... 

Plus, I think Sunday's stilettos may have done me in *grin*.  But hey - they were killer shoes *wink*.

Ok ... gotta run (not literally) ... so much to do, and I'm already wanting a nap ... 

Have a great one ... 

[redhandedphotography: Kin & Kristy's Wedding ... Part I]

Ok.  No deep, mind-blowing posts today.  I gave all I had last week *wink*.

Today - a few of my efforts are up in a blogpost on my RedHanded Photography blog.  I should add - I'd love you to "join" as a follower of that blog ... it helps me not have to double up on everything!!  So - if you're a follower of this one, why not join the RHP one too ... 

And if you're not a follower of this one, and you actually do follow (are you catching this?) - why not become a follower?  Would love to have you ... yup.

SO.

Come visit my RedHanded Photography blog to view the entire post ... well.  Part I of it *grin*.  

I hope it's ok that I'm in love with this wedding ... kinda makes me wish that I could do mine all over again ... things sure change in 12 years.  But I guess that being able to do wedding photography helps ease the "awe man, I wish I could ... "

Oh wow ... maybe that would be a fun post.  "... if he asked me for the first time today, what would my wedding day look like ... "

Um.  Why am I getting excited???  *laughing*.  I'm such a girl.

[talk: It Buds.]

Well.

Well, well, well, well *smile*.

It seems that yesterday's post struck a nerve with some of my readers.  I got more feedback than usual - with some friends choosing to FB me with bits of encouragement or tips on what helped them to lose those last few pounds, and a bunch of comments about giving my head a shake *grin*.  I accept them all ... 

Some readers viewed my post differently than I had intended it to be read - and I found it a little bit interesting that those who questioned some deep issues in my life, chose to write anonymously *smile*.  Fair enough ... it is not a requirement to state who you are (although I'm thinking I may change that if people are wishing to speak into my life ...).  And the truth is, for now, I accept all comments - whether I agree or disagree with them.  I know that anyone who takes the time to write, must feel passionate about their thoughts and I am very, very pleased for anyone to do so.  The mere fact that there were any comments after this post kinda stunned me ... my readers tend to be a little quiet *smile*.

It's all good - and that's why I put it out there in the first place.

But I found it interesting how people viewed my words.  Let's be honest - I was frustrated.  I'm a goal-oriented person.  I set my mind to something, and I find great pleasure in accomplishing it.  It's how I focused on getting three music degrees in piano performance and teaching, how I started running my own business, how I've pushed myself to run 15km.  I was brought up that way, it's in my blood ... It's a good thing, a bad thing, a positive thing, a negative thing.  

So - my words led others to write their own.  People's interpretation of my life, of how I view myself and the things in it ... it varied from person to person.  Although, I think that maybe having my self-esteem and worth in the Lord balance on a blogpost about a fairly unimportant goal I've had, is not really what I was going for here *smile* ... 

But fair enough to all of you ... and I want to apologize for disappointing you with my rant.  Truly.  And where I might see my humanness, my struggles, my honesty as perhaps allowing others to see me as "normal"  - it seems as though not everyone feels the same.  To have those who see me at church and in the  roles that I play there to think, "wait - she doesn't think she has it all together either" - perhaps that's not a terribly positive thought to others.  It's not my plan to be seen as one who has it all figured out ('cause I don't *grin*), but I certainly don't want portray someone who's a ridiculous mess either *smile*.  I'm really not.  I'm pretty normal that way ... 

The truth is, I think the point of my post was lost in translation - or so to speak.  It's really been all about the goal, as apposed to anything else.  


See, most days, I feel confident - I feel blessed to walk in grace.  I like who I am.  But when it came to this "deadline" of my birthday next week, and blah blah blah ... I found myself rooted in some sort of competition with ... myself.  I'm a motivated person, I want to do my best in all things - and this one ridiculous challenge I gave myself became too much pressure when I realized it just may not happen.  

So.  I read the comments some chose to write.  Over.  And over and over.

At first, some of them stung.  I closed my MAC and walked away ... "really??"  I thought.  But then - I decided to take a deep breath and reflect for a bit.  One "anonymous" person wrote, "So many people are struggling to be these perfect beings all because they are struggling internally with self-esteem. Maybe you need to reflect on your internal issues and ask the Lord to help you through them so you can truly find the peace and joy you are longing for... "

O.U.C.H.

But again ... I decided to stop and think about this for a while.  I asked the Lord, " ... what is going on here?  What is it that others are seeing that I don't?  Why am I feeling flogged over something so silly as to 2lbs??  Give me a teachable spirit ... ".

Boom.  It hit me ... or God nudged me, however you'd like to look at it *smile*.

Do you know what this is?  If you're someone who knows me, you'll know exactly what this is. It's my Shalom plant ... well, it's actually a Christmas cactus.  It was a dear gift from a friend, and every year since Shalom's death it has bloomed the week of her birthday, December 17, 2005.  It's like a beautiful little reminder that Heaven holds a special part of me.  However, it didn't bloom this past Christmas for some bizarre reason ... and it kinda made me wonder if it ever would again.

And here it is - with Shalom's actual due date quickly approaching in May, and what does this plant do?  It buds.  I told a friend on Friday, "I'm having a bit of a rough day ... my plant is budding."  Kind of a strange sentence.  Especially because I know the date is coming ... I don't need any reminders.

So ... when I stopped to reflect on your comments, and allow myself to listen and not be defensive - to ask God what this is all about - something came to my mind: control.  I like to be in control, it's how I function.  It's logical and it doesn't let me get hurt.

The situations in my life where I was rendered helpless, with no control over the outcome, are the ones that have hurt me the most.  And though there are many things that have cut me in my life, none compares to the out-of-control abyss I found myself in five years ago.   The feeling when we had to say goodbye to our little girl, and drive away from the hospital with my arms aching to hold her - there are no words.

I'm not sure if any of this makes sense, but this whole experience feels like a reminder that I need to just let things go; like these last few pounds are frustrating because I can't control them the way I'd like to.  Maybe it's not even about the numbers themselves, but the fact that they seem to have a life of their own.  And this budding plant has reminded me that ultimately I'm not in control of anything.  Not when I belong to Him.  That although it is good to be purposeful and intentional, there needs to be room for God and His grace.  If there isn't room for Him, it just leads to disappointment.  Even when it comes to my body.

I think that if I let go, everything might just fall into place.  

So.  *smile*.

I'm hoping this all makes sense.  I am confident in my relationship with the Lord.  This has not been about that.  Nor has it been about me being a good or bad role model for whatever reason.  For me, this has been a reminder for me to refocus my own control issues and be ok with my failures - big or small.

This is all another reason why I love this blog ... yup - it can sometimes make me feel like I'm a little misunderstood.  I can feel judged or encouraged.  But I find that if I am honest and willing - that if I choose to not be defensive while still using discretion - God can use this blog the way I really want it to be used ... so thank you *smile*.

Again, I hope this all makes sense ... I'm a little nervous about the comments.

Have a good one *smile*.

[biggest loser: Why of Course.]

I ran fifteen kilometres yesterday.

To say that I was crazy excited, is an understatement.  That's 3km more than I have ever run in my life - and honestly - I could've gone another 1 or 2 more.  But I don't want to injure myself - that would devastate me - so I made sure that I didn't over do it.

I loved that run ... I gave it all I had.  I ran it in 1:33:13 with an average pace of 00:06:10 per km.  I felt like a machine.  And my legs burned for hours later - a true testament that I pushed myself harder than normal.  I killed it ... 

So, imagine my excitement to stand on the scale this morning.   And then imagine my face falling after seeing that I, in fact, gained a pound.

You know - when I did the biggest loser before having Katia, the numbers went down.  And now that I've taken up exercise, the numbers refuse to budge.  Or they go down for about a half hour before moving back up again.

I hate my scale.

I hate numbers.

And I'm giving my body a recovery break today - so no Jillian (plus I have a bazillion things to do that I should've gotten done yesterday ... beh.)  I may resort to drinking water with lemon and cutting off that limb I've been talking about.  And shaving my head ... that'll maybe make the numbers go down.  

I know that physically, I'm in the best shape of my life.  My cardio has never, ever been like this.  My legs and butt are showing divots where the muscles are outlined ... but that tire around my waist greets me every morning.  I really, really thought that cardio would burn that sucker off of me ... And yet - how insane is this - I would consider trading it all in to be 120lbs.  Ok ... even as I write that, I know that's just plain wrong.  

I'm so frustrated because being 129.9 is far from my actual goal - and yet even that seems unobtainable.  Especially with that birthday deadline I've placed over my head ... 9 days.  It was hard enough to lose 1lb in 14days, never mind 2.5lbs now in 9.

Ugggggh **yanking on my hair**.  So frustrated.

So.  Instead I am going through the house with a garbage bag ... the laundry room is being gutted (yet again, for like, the third time this year) and some of the kitchen cupboards ... the junk that's attached to the side of the fridge ... and just whatever else I can get my hands on.  My house will lose about 10lbs ... the 10lbs I wish I could.

  

You know ... I recognize my complaining about a few pounds.  I know what it sounds like.  I know that I have so many things to be thankful for.  I know that I am blessed.  But I also know that I'm working my butt off - and that's where the frustration comes from.  

Am I alone in this??  Anyone else trying to do everything right and then get socked in the stomach with rising numbers??  Anyone know what I'm doing wrong?  Anyone have hair clippers to help me shave off at least 1/2 a pound *grin*??

Have a great one ... 

Really.  

[talk: Some Things Are Unsaid.]

I found this digiscrap post in my filing drawer - and realized that I had failed to post it.  Oops.  Oh well - here are some pages that I did a while back, in all of their glory *wink*.  Double click the images to enlarge.

So ... it's been a few days since I posted.  I've had a lot on my mind ... and although my blog is a place where I like to put my thoughts down, sometimes I need to just keep things to myself *grin*.  You know what I mean?  Sure - maybe the invisible blogging world would be highly entertained by my battles, my disappointment in people, my ridiculous tales of conversations with friends.  But I just don't think that's the wisest thing for me *smile* ... 

But - here's the thing.  I think it is so important to be careful what you write.  Oh sure - I tell a little here and there - but I certainly don't tell everything.  There are some things - a lot of things - that are really no one's business.  Just because I choose to blog, doesn't mean that I can't use my brain and omit things.    I guess that although I want to be fairly transparent here - you need to know that you don't know everything *wink*.  Sometimes, I actually have things in code *evil smirk* ... really.   So when I look back and read, it'll trigger what was actually going on in my life.

I remember my mom saying something to me many years ago, when she found out I journaled.  She told me to be careful what I put pen to paper about ... because if something should ever happen to me and someone read those words - I wouldn't be there to explain or interpret what I wrote.   It could be really damaging - even if it was done completely unintentionally.   Even if what I wrote was truth ... sometimes it's better to just not write things down.

The last thing you'd want your child to read after you passed, is what you really thought of your husband when he forgot your anniversary for the third time *wink*.

I think it goes back to "intention" for me.  I actually reread my post on that last night ... and it was a good reminder for me.  I actually had forgotten about that word (oops) ... and as I continue to blog and post and do the things that I do in the day ... I'm going to try and remember to ask myself WHY I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm writing what I'm writing, why I'm thinking what I'm thinking ... 

I'm going to take time to mull this over some more as I go for my long run today ... which - I have to say - is going to be a big mental thing for me.  My legs are aching to run (literally) - but it looks so cold and icky ... I'd rather sit on the couch and drink tea.   I'm glad that I have a little network of friends that I've been trying to be accountable to ... they know that I'm wanting to go 14km today.  Eek.  14km.  I'm sure they'll ask ... and I don't like to say something and not follow through.

Better start stretching ... 

Have a great one *smile*.

Xx.

[make: Flourless Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Cookies]

CEW - this one's for you ...

I actually thought I already shared this recipe - boo on me.  It's a freakin' fantastic cookie ... a thin crust on the outside and chewy goodness on the inside ... The oatmeal makes them hearty, and the peanut butter makes them amazing.

Here's the recipe ...


Flourless Peanut Butter Cookies
350F for 9-11minutes

3 eggs
1 1/4 cups brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cups peanut butter
1/2 cup butter, softened
1 cup chocolate chips
2 tsp baking soda
4 1/2 cups quick cooking oatmeal

Directions:

- Preheat oven to 350F
- combine eggs, and sugars.  Mix well.
- add salt, vanilla, peanut butter and butter.  Mix well.
- stir in chocolate chips, baking soda and oatmeal with a wooden spoon.
- drop onto cookie sheet (I like to use the pampered chef "large scoop"  ... makes the perfect size, and then I flatten with a fork).
- cook for 9-11minutes.

Yeah, yeah ... there's a small barrel of sugar in it.  But there's noooo floooour *singsong*.

Enjoy.

I dare you to eat just one :-) ... have a great one!

[big dreams: Got Me a Goal, I Do.]

OK.

If you're one of my FB friends you may have seen this.  Last night I posted a status saying one word:  thinking.   And it ended up being a massive convo where I found myself excited, deciding on a new goal for myself.

Aside from a million other things going on in my head last night - I started thinking about my running.  I've been saying for a while, that I want to do a marathon.  One day.  But - as it was pointed out to me last night - am I actually being smart about how to train for that??

I had been chatting with CHW and she was right ... I need more than a "birthday-lose-a-couple-pounds-goal."  I need something hardcore.  I'm goal oriented.  I like to plan, attack and conquer (in a very 5ft tall, feminine sort of way *wink*).

SO.  There's a half marathon in September.  $48.00 to register.  And I think that I'm going to do it.    Notice my liiiiittle bit of hesitation ... I don't like to say something and not follow through (although, this totally happens to me at the best of times ... ).

But 21.1km.  That's crazy far.  Like ... 3 hours?  2 hours??  A million hours????

Yikes.  My heart's racing.

The furthest I've run is 12.2km.  And although I didn't die - I'm pretty sure I'm not able to double that right now.  I've got to figure out how to train for such a thing ... and figure out how I'm going to find the time to do it too.  I mean, taking 1.5/2hrs in a day to run ... then cool down, shower, begin the day??  Oh ... k.   Thinking outloud here ... but I'm guessing that with daylight savings, I just might be doing this once the kiddies are in bed?

I don't have to decide this right now, do I?

And there's a website that I've been told about - Runners World.  There is a BUCKETLOAD of info there ... I'm going to dig into it this week while I suffer from being a playoff-hockey-widow *wink*.  

So ... who's in??  MK - you were a part of that convo ... you know I'm coming after you *grin*.  NS?  You in? I know you're a runner ... and LOVED your comment on my neurotic post *grin*. Girl - you have no idea how neurotic I am ... my brain never, ever stops.

To all of you out there who think, "I could never ... ", I'm realizing in my old age *eyeroll* that there really isn't anything that you can't do.  You've heard it a million times before ... If I can do it, anyone can.  And that's the truth.  Anyone who has known me knows that I'm really not an athlete - I've never been passionate about my health like this before.

Go on - you can do it.  Post your goal and I'll gladly cheer you on :-)!!!

Have a great one ... Xx

[katia: Nineteen Months.]

Since this blog also helps update my family from out-of-town (like, WAY out of town ... hi NZ family!!) ... I thought I'd continue with a couple of posts on our children.  So - with the sun shining bright yesterday, Katia and I went for a little walk around our neighbourhood - and I decided to bring my camera.  So glad I did.  It was a perfect opportunity to capture some pics of our little girl.  

Trying to snap pics of a 19month old is trick.ee at the best of times.  But it's even crazier when you're the mom and the photographer.  But amongst all the running, falling down from running, and "noooo Mommy"'s ... I got a few.  Dozen.  A few dozen *grin*.

Katia is the princess in our home ... with her tiny, birdlike voice and crazy, infectious laugh.  And those lashes.  I'm almost a little envious ...

She never stops talking ... "Mommy", "Papa", "Tias", "Jo-Jo" (that's her own name for Josiah and he hates it *grin*), "Nana", "Baba" (grandpa's title), "Nonna", "Nonno", "stuck" (for shoes that won't go on, and toes that haven't gone all the way into her jammies), "chick'n", "pizza", "juice", "amen", "go", "kay", "more", "car", "pease", "tank you", "bye" ... it's crazy.  I don't think the boys said much until they were at least two ... no need for sign language here.  She's communicating just fine. 

And It always amazes me how girls are just ... girls.  After two boys, I knew that boys were just boys - but I kinda thought that they would rub off on her.  That she would be more inclined to play with their toys, and do what they do.  Nope.  She has her babies, her baby stroller, her hair "prettys" ... she wants her toes "pink", and when she sees me putting on my lipgloss she stretches her arms and proclaims "MORE!!!"  Little girls need no help in being little girls.

It's hard to believe that she's already 19months old.  And then again, it's not.  What's almost harder to believe is that I'm not pregnant *laughing*.  Nope - never again.  But this is the longest I haven't been pregnant in 7 years.  THAT feels crazy.

So things are feeling good, feeling completed.  She is the perfect addition to our home - our boys adore her and she has her Papa wrapped around her littlest finger.  She's a peanut, a tiny little thing ... and we are so in love with Katia Rose.

Have a great one :-).

[biggest loser: Changing My Brain.]

I wish I could just change my brain.  Or at least how my brain works in regards to scale numbers.

For the last few weeks, I've been on a regular routine.  Running, Jillian DVDS, shakes for breakfast and lunch, small snacks in between, a sensible (oh.brother) dinner ... It's been working well for me.  But then - I started hearing people say that I need to change it up, that I'll get bored - possibly even allergic (whey protein, peanuts, almonds, eggs ...) if I keep this up.

UGH.

So frustrated about that, because I was JUST getting on a roll.  And surely I can't become allergic to something after just a few weeks?  My hubby's cousin became severely allergic to almost all of those things I just listed - but that was after yearrrrs of ingesting those foods regularly as a part of his workout regime.  So - I know it's possible ... but still??

And I'm trying to wrap my brain around giving myself a "break".  What's a break?? **laughing**.  I wish I could figure that one out too ... but what I ended up doing, was giving my body a break on Saturday and Sunday.  Partly because I was crazy, stupid busy with worship leading at a conference and at my home church - but partly because I just don't want to injure myself.  Not being able to run would devastate me at this point ... 

But here's the thing - as I type this in my full-on running gear, waiting for my morning's shake and cup of rooibos tea to settle before I venture out for a run - I find that as soon as I break my rhythm, I'm lost.  Yuck.

This is what I mean.  So on Saturday, I had eggs for breakfast instead of a shake, then a morning snack.  I had tuna and crackers for lunch, headed to the conference ... by the time I got home, tag teamed my hubby as he ran out the door, got my kids into bed, it was 8pm.  I didn't want to eat that late.  I had a peanut butter cookie.  (oh man ... as I type this - it sounds sooooo bad!!).  

Then on Sunday, I had a shake for breakfast as I ran out the door to be at the church by 8am.   I had a small baking square at the church cafe at about 10am ... then went out for lunch with some friends from the worship band ... had a grilled chicken sandwich with yam fries.  Didn't eat it all.  Went back to the church for an Easter practice from 3-5pm, headed to the Recovery service at 5:30pm, ate a cliff bar at 6pm - instead of the pizza the service offers.  Then we went to McD's afterwards with a group of friends and our kids, and I had a grilled chicken wrap.

And I weighed myself this morning and I'm freakin' UP.

See.  I need my brain to not care about numbers ... but how do you do that??  How do you make yourself unlearn something that is so ingrained?  Every girl knows what it is to "diet" and I know that's not what I'm doing.  But ... see ... ok - here's the truth.  I'm getting stressed because my bday is coming up and I PROMISED myself that I would be in the 120's by then.  That's two-and-a-half weeks away.    And on Saturday morning I was 130.8lbs (and jumping up and down for joy) and this morning I was 132.2lbs.

Oh. I so know that I'm gonna get ribbed for this one ... I can hear my friends telling me it was because I wasn't eating enough, or because I didn't drink enough water, or because a woman's body just fluctuates all the time throughout the month.   Yeah, yeah, yeah ... water retention or whatever ... call it what you want.  It doesn't change the numbers.  I now have 2.3lbs to lose on 2.5 weeks - as apposed to 1lb on Saturday *rolling my eyes*.

What am I going to do about it?

Run my little butt off today, along with either the P90X 15min ab workout or some light weights/pushups, drink a million gallons of water, try and stick to the "eating every three hours" that my friend has convinced me of ... I'll do my Jillian workout tomorrow ... and keep going from there.

Again ... this is really all about the goal of my birthday, and why I'm pushing myself so much.  And I'm not changing that *grin* ... for my bday, I'm heading for a weekend away with three girlfriends, where we'll be sunning and sleeping and laughing and learning and relaxing.

And I shall be 129.9lbs by then if it killllls me.  Even if it requires me shaving my head for that extra .2lb (laughing ... ok.  that's ridiculous, but that's how frustrated I am ... ).  

The end.

(grin)

This whole post was completely self-serving and totally uninspiring *grin*.  But - it helps me organize my thoughts, lets me see things in black and white and go from there.  So - if this was a bit of a waste of your time, *eek*, sorry.

  

Ok.  Off for my run ... 

Have a great one!!!

[biggest loser: I'm A Runner.]

The sun came out yesterday ... and my legs were itching for a run.  

As of late, I've been concentrating on improving my 5km.  I've always averaged around 00:34:00/00:35:00 minutes - and then as of late, I've been knocking down the time to around 00:32:00.  Taking off a couple of minutes is huge in running ... and I've felt like getting it to under 00:30:00 is a pretty much near-impossibility.

Then this week I ran it in 00:31:00 (even.  :00.  seriously).  I was soooo pleased with that.  A few seconds quicker and I'm running it within 30minutes.  That's a big feat for me and my little limbs ...

Yesterday I took a friend's advice and decided to run for time, rather than distance.  He suggested that I run for at least an hour - after hearing me complain about the tire that I feel is sitting on my waist.  He said that for the first 30minutes of a workout (with your heart-rate at a specific level), your body only burns sugar.  After the 30minutes, it begins to burn fat.  So - with me working on getting my 5km in under 30min, although great for cardio and my legs/butt (seriously.  can't believe the change ...), it's not burning the fat.

So, with his suggestion of an hour in mind, I stretched, set my Itunes to shuffle, and went for it.  And for those of you who have done any kind of workout for a consistent amount of time, you'll know what I'm saying when I say it's AMAZING how your body conforms.  It's like it WANTS to change, it's excited to.  It becomes so much more capable, efficient.  I mean, once I found my pace (I use an iphone app to watch that ...) I didn't even need to breathe out of my mouth.  It was actually ... easy.

I'm no longer doing 10 and 1s (running 10, walking 1) ... although if I up the distance to 15km or so, I will implement that I think.  It's in the Running Room Bible -  it's to allow time for muscles to recover ... 

As I approached 55minutes, I realized that I was almost at 10km.  Oh MY.  I was giddy - which is kind of a strange feeling when you're running - but I couldn't believe it.  My last 10km that I measured was 1:16:12.  And although I DID run 12km this past Saturday at 1:33:16 .... still.  My time was killing it ... 

So - with the thought that I could actually, maybe, possibly, do 10km in under an hour - I began to sprint ... and it was intense and easy all at the same time.  Euphoric.  I could've kept going ... I was actually a fair ways from our home but I decided to mark the 10km rather than just go for the hour for the sake of it ... my final time?  00:58:48.  And that was for 10.20km.  

I started crying.

Now, more than ever, I'm hungry for what I can push my body to do.  Yes, there is definitely a "runners high" that happens ... and I'm addicted.  I wake up in the morning, wondering if I'll get a chance to get my legs moving ... I wake up wondering how I can continue to change my body. It's a really, really insane thing.  Especially for me.

My only problem is that I'm so competitive, even with just myself.  I always want to do better ... and that's just not possible - I know.  I'm going to have days when I'm totally defeated and discouraged by the numbers ...  But as I was running and thinking about this yesterday, it made me think of golfers.  They can have an incredible round one day, and blow the whole thing the next day - just with one bad shot.  That kind of mental focus, to be able to regroup for the next round and just keep going - is what I want for myself.

A couple of nights ago I was waiting for some of the guys in the worship band to show up, and my girlfriend stopped by the church to deliver some Herbal Life (this is not a weight loss program, but rather a vitamin supplement program that promotes a healthier lifestyle.  But I have definitely seen a change since starting this ...).  I was talking to one of the guys about running, and as my friend was walking out of the room I said to the other guy, "... well, I'm not really a runner ... "  and she yelled from behind the wall, "YES YOU ARE!!  YOU RUN, YOU'RE A RUNNER."

I'm a runner.

Have a great one!! 

[tias: T-Ball]

Hockey season is over.  

It was a hard season, for sure.  The kids in Tias' hockey club are die-hards.  Tias isn't.  He's not aggressive ... he's social.  He likes to win, but he sees no point in putting effort into something that he's not the best at.

Smart?  Maybe.  Lazy?  Perhaps.

But the last few weeks of hockey season proved to be his best ... just in time to start t-ball.

We missed last year's deadline, and made sure that we didn't this year.  Tias has a natural swing - he's been hitting the ball when tossed for a couple of summers now.  Far different than hockey - where he barely touches the puck.

Tias' friend across the street was enrolled, and my hubby was recruited to help coach.  So now Tias was MORE than excited for t-ball ... and would you believe he was the first kid on his team to hit the ball from the pitching machine.  He glowed for hours afterwards.  

 

My hubby's family was a soccer family (duh.  Italiano.).  But my family was a basketball/baseball family.  My dad played on our church team - he played catcher.  I remember going to the games as a little girl, meeting friends there, playing in the trees or writing stories on notebooks ... I loved it.

I think I may have romanticized the whole baseball thing ... but for me, it means sunshine, family time, KFC for dinner, warm wind.

But I guess it'll also mean rain, arguments, late dinners and cold breezes.

I love watching my kids try something new.  And I believe that if you try enough things, you'll find something they're good at and find a natural confidence in.  Hockey wasn't it - although he doesn't want to quit, and very well could catch on next season ... but t-ball seems to be a good fit for him.  Athletically, socially ... it works.

Here's to some sunshine :-) ... oh - and see the freckles?  I love his freckles.  Can't kiss them enough *grin*.

Have a great one ...

[digiscrap: Renovations.]

I've been trying to get photos from, like, 2009 - off of my computer.  I was so overwhelmed with all of the reno pics I took - that I just decided to make it simple.  Each page is the same template that I created ... which made the whole thing a lot easier.

So - voila ... our home from beginning to end.  Double click the images to enlarge.

Have a great one!

[cool products: Some of My Faves.]

It's raining and dreary.  Grey and life-draining.

My scale is a liar.  I want to scream at it ... I wish I could take the need for numbers out of my mind, but I  can't.  Yup - I'm stronger.  Yup - I've lost inches. Yup - I know that a pound of muscle takes up less room than a pound of fat.  Yup, yup, yup.  Doesn't matter that I can start to see definition in my upper abs.  I want to be 124lbs.  I may just chop off a useless limb to do so ... just not sure which one.

So ... being bummed about the weather and the numbers on the scale,  makes me want to think about things that I love ... running, photography, music.  If you know me - you know about all of those things.  BUT - here are a few of my fave things that are a little less obvious ...

1. The Range Rover.  Oh.  I looooove this vehicle.  My silver minivan looks like a rustbucket compared to this sleek piece of luxury.  It can rain all day and it would still look pretty outside in one of these.  And with all the driving I'm now doing - I think that I could pretty much live in this and be happy *grin*.  I'll take mine Supercharged in Stornoway Grey, please and thank you.  For a mere 6digits, it's a steal *wink*.

2. Ok.  Maybe that was a bit much ... still love it though.  How about this?  My new fave lipgloss ... L'Oreal's Infallible Lipgloss in "blush".  It lasts for hours, literally.  And I love the pale pink hue.  I may buy a few extra tubes in case some crazy person at L'Oreal decides to discontinue it ...

3. I've been listening to a lot of different music, as of late.  Download whole albums at a time; a real mix-mash of stuff.  But I'm loving the sound of Adele's "21".  I love her raspy voice, and the cool 60's-club vibe her tunes have.  I've also been loving John Mayer's Battle Studies ...  and I'm aware that some people just don't don't like John.  But I think he's a musical genius.

4.  I HATE when I bend down to pick something up and I'm terrified that I'm giving a show to those behind me.  So - I bought a belt ... without with any care of what it looked like b/c I'm not planning on it being seen.  But now, I'm kinda liking my python skinny belt ( no snakes were harmed in the making of my belt.  I got it at Jacob).  It might just become my new fave thing in my closet ... but this is in my "things I love" not because of how it looks - but because I will no longer fear crack.  *wink*.

5. Every night - without fail - I moisturize.  Doesn't matter what time I hit the hay at.  And not for any other reason than that I love having my skin "fit" before I go to bed.  So ... every night, religiously, I use Aveda Replenishing.  I love love love it.

6.  My Nike Free runners.  They were such a great purchase ...  you can read about them here.  I actually believe these runners have bettered my running - if that's really possible.  I didn't run my last 12km in them - but I was doing my timed 5kms in them - and I really, really think that they helped strengthen my legs.  Believe it.  Oh - I love that they're orange.

7.  I have a new favourite tea ... and ok - it's not some fancy-schmancy expensive one either.  It's by Lipton ... it's a decaf green-tea with a hint of pear.  I'm starting to get addicted to it ... 

8.  My hubby got me a Nixon watch a few months ago.  I had no clue what a Nixon watch was ... I'm not all that up on name-brand stuff.  If I like it and it's a name-brand, fine.  But I'm not one to go looking for  name-brand stuff.  Needless-to-say, the name Nixon meant nothing to me - but I liked the watch.  And a few days ago I had some random person ask me, "so you think you're a surfer now?" when they saw the watch.  Yeah, dude.  I think I'm a surfer *insert eyeroll here*.

 9.  "Captivating".  You really ought to read it ... I mentioned it a couple of days ago in the post "You're Beautiful".  For every woman who wants a fascinating view into how God sees her beauty ... and probably every man should read it too.  I think John and Stasi were bang on here ... 

10.  And finally -  I love this blog.  I love being able to write and create ... to share things I like or feelings that I've had.  To go back and re-read past thoughts and see how I've changed, or stayed the same.  So thank you - for taking the time to read my posts ... but even if you hadn't come - this blog would serve enough purpose for me, just by it being a place where I can write.  And I'm intending to print out my blog into a book for myself - through Blurb.  Seems like a great way to keep these thoughts of mine, and since I've put so much time and effort into this - I'd like to have a copy.  Hmmm ... maybe next week I'll get on to that ... 

Now ... of course I love so many other things - my hubby, my kids, my family and friends, my church, my home, being involved with worship, photography etc ... it goes on and on.  And as I said to a friend recently, I don't just love a little - I love whole heartedly ... even if I don't seem like that kind-of-a-sap.  

But that's another post ... 

Have a great one :-).

[redhandedphotography: Grandma Hannah & Granddaughter Adrienne.]

Thanks so much for all the lovely comments yesterday ... I actually found myself coming back and rereading my "You're Beautiful" post - trying to take my own words to heart.  I love when an idea for a post comes together - I had been thinking about it for weeks now - and then, with meeting Grandma Hannah - it just worked out to be perfect timing.

And I loved this photoshoot ...

You can see a million more photos, along with a little write-up, at my RedHanded Photography blog HERE.

On another front - my life has been busy.  Musically, busy - if that makes any sense.  I'm leading worship at our church's Recovery Service this Sunday night, leading at the Elevate Conference next Friday night and Saturday/night and then also leading again next Sunday morning at our church.  So - there'll also be a band practice Tuesday night for the conference, and a Thursday night practice for Sunday morning.  WOW.  It's either all or nothing, it seems *laughing* ... because after that - I'm not on until May.  

OH.  And ... the scale was nice to me this morning ... I know, I know, I shouldn't weigh myself.  But I do.  Every morning.  For me, it helps me be accountable.  And yes, it is also a discourager at times ... I know of people who say, "throw the scale away ... numbers don't matter."  Well.  I'm old school.  For me, it matters.  And the numbers on the measuring tape matter too.

So eventhough it's not a Monday morning weigh-in ... today's weight was:  131.4lbs - I was this a few weeks ago, but it's the lowest I've been (along with that date) - down 2lbs this week.  I'm so close to the 120's, I can taste it.  But here's the really exciting part for me ... my waist:  29.3".   I wish that I had blogged my numbers when I did the "Biggest Loser" before I had Katia.  I didn't, because it was a competition and I didn't want my competitors knowing how I was doing.  But I THINK that I'm actually almost pre-preggo-post-Biggest-Loser.  I know that I weighed in at 130lbs, but I don't know what my inches were.  I know that I'm stronger, and more fit  now than I was then.  

Yesterday I ran my 5km, taking off 25 seconds off from my last run ... tomorrow will be my long run - at least 8km - weather permitting.  Haven't done that in a few weeks ... it's time to not just worry about breaking 30min on my 5km (which, let's be honest, is practically an impossibility for me considering I'm huffing it at 32:23).  And today?  Jillian's Shred level 3.  It has me in the plank stage for almost half of it ... but I think that it's tightening up all the loose stuff on me :-).

What else?

I've got a lot of projects that I'm still working on ... for those of you who think I've forgotten - I have not.  The book of collective stories about the experience of losing a child is still in the works.  I need to email all of you who have contributed to let you know that ... so sorry that I haven't.  But it's being worked on - it's just taking longer than I had thought.  I'll post more on that soon.  

I've also almost completed all of the digiscrapping from the family cruise that I went on this past August with the 26 of us.  It's been so fun reliving it all, remembering funny stories - and choosing which of the bazillion images are going to go into the digiscrap album.  As of last night, I've done over 30+pages.  And I have about eight more to go ... my mom will be happy to read that *grin*.  She loves getting her own printed copy of my digialbums.  Soon, mom ... soon!

Then there's RHP ... I'm meeting with another wedding client today.  Oh - and there's a birthday party tonight that I'm looking forward to.  Um, what else ... well, I haven't been songwriting in the last couple of weeks.  I was working on before going away and I like what it's sounding like so much that I'm scared to write lyrics and mess it up ... for me, once I have lyrics, it's hard to change it ... and I want it to be perfect (fat chance).  

Hmmm.  I guess that's it?

Wow.  What mish-mash post. 

I liked yesterday's better.

Ah well.

Have a great one!!  And don't forget to visit my RedHanded Photography blog ... and leave a comment if you do.  Would love to hear from you *wink*.

Have a great one!